first time(&last) & still need help

[nero]

hey hi-

thanks for "sane" response to my relative insanity this morning..

thanks for "holding my hand" here also. this coming & going stresses me out (ya think???) . counting down time to go-

I am in L w/a memory. Just watched Practical Magic, maybe I should make a brew and dance under the moon light while purring the brew over all of his personals.

you make me smile now that you say do a brew - maybe tonite i'll make a voodoo doll of him - just for fun and to pander to the wacky side of my sense of humour- and begin sticking it with pins. I DO NOT BELIEVE - by the way. but it could be a fun de-fuser of bad bad feelings roaming around inside my head. (i'd like to put war paint onmy face too)

i am in love with the memory too. how sad THAT sounds. if he's a "terminal case" - why doesn't he just die already for cripes sake?

- it's all true - all your observations.. i don't like it tho. yeah - i know, none of us do. who said we get to?

Short, but to the point he has said, I'm not a R guy the way you need,

Maybe - but the jerk knew this all about me when he "picked" me allll those years ago. i never lied at all about WHO I WAS & what i needed to be happy. no kiddin. i never ever pretended to be anything other than a "true love forever" kinda guy. now, if he'd been honest about himself and just said - "hey baby, i'm a lying cheatin kinda guy - hang on to your hat". maybe i wouldn't be so mad at him rite now.

Your not a couple! I am all or nothing as well, but we can't have either right now, so we just have to act as if I guess.

i hate the feeling powerless crap- i never realized what a control guy i am. i absolutely detest feeling this whole mess is out of my control. i see it is NOW. I sure used to resist that with all my might - so sure there must be SOMETHING a person can DO. NADA - wouldn't even have the energy to do it or even try any more. hello - foreign legion? are you taking recruits???

Crap - time ticking away. took that pill- awaiting serenity...

tick - tock - tick - tock - any last requests....too bad i don't smoke huh? you know- he was a lovely man when he smoked- calm, funny, on & on. he grounded me - ha! part of me thinks it's that simple- on that drug he was wonderful. off it- he's an edgy - jacka$$.

i was wondering myself about the pretending (but isn't that acting as if is???) i don't feel like it anymore either.

im so tired of feeling like a fraud. Inside I feel like i did all those years ago "hey- here i am - like it or leave it".

that's what i feel again. no pretending. no bs. too bad i was alot younger & cuter back then. better bargaining position i'd say.

like i don't know this guy- if we were beginning to get to know each other - at a party - at work - i sure wouldn't be trying to sell him a bill of goods. been called a "b!tch" a few times by icky bar-pickup-guys who want the "girlie whirlie show" from me and when i niecly say sorry, not interested really - they go bonkers. i'm never rude-just not fake.

Hard, HELL ya, but maybe if I can start it, I will get it, like smiling when your sad and now your not sad anymore. I already do look at him like, eeww who are you, what is wrong w/me your not coming back.

\

i know- isn't it wierd the 1st time you realize you're looking thru new, objective eyes and thinking about what you're 'REALLY seeing? and it's not at all what you used to see. scary kind of. so then - begs the question if the people we are now - would ever find something to like or love in the person they are (?) now. ??

oh yeah - i guess the whole point of this is that some day they (hopefully) crawl out of their respective tunnels are are somewhat what they used to be before they plunged off the deep end. i forget. forget they may still be "in there" somewhere.

guess i'd better go call airport check time. xxo (()) thanks again man- it's a wierd morning

[albamarie]

make him ask. never offer anything? do we need to 8itch up??? whattya think?

Yes, you need to back off and make him ask, I started that months ago, they do eventually ask. My H said a few days ago he see's I don't do things with L anymore, he said my homemade popcorn was missing L w/butter! To F***ing bad, you don't get L from me anymore you sh!t head.

Funny you said to 8itch up, I was reading a book called way do men L mean women. I think I am too nice, to agreeable and to willing. But, that is me and there needs to be a man out there who is deserving of my character. I hate giving H any of my good girl agreeable me these days, I am getting ballzy in my answers to him, he takes it.

Today I just want him to die already, put placebo's in his aspirin bottel, jump in the lake again. D is very much like a death, but at least death means done. And, we're not even in D, or break up yet, image, all that pain and anger pent up inside him will be redirected at us the minute we try to extricate ourselves from the situation via divorce or moving out.

I feel damned! Hold on Nero, and one day I'm just going to make you send me some scones UPS

[NLW]

Hi Nero,
Just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and I know exactly what you are going through and feeling. Well, at least I flatter myself that I do.

It's just that what you write about your H and your own feelings is so similar to what I've experienced.

Please don't apologise for your posts. They help me at least!

It seems like I'm not going through this alone when I read how you feel about things.

I was contemplating doing a 'quote' post from your previous stuff to show you exactly where you and I have had the same experience.. but this seemed a little lame - as it happens so often.

I would just be repeating slabs of your text and saying "Me too", over and over.

This is big, Nero. We may not get over it, but we have to get though it.

[nero]

hey hi NLW

thanks so much for the kind words. some times i wonder if i'm just a ranting idiot throwing this stuff out there.

i read other people - and i quote it and i say "me too" til the cows come home. i don't know why- it helps to know others feel the same- so i'd say go ahead and do it and make yourself feel better (if it helps). i think it seems to.

i'm soooo shameless (at this point) i'll take any help any confirmation from anywhere.

and i'm not a big ole needy person- it's just that this sitch has bout "killed me". no kidding. would you ever have known what friends went thru with thier divorces or how this felt from tv shows and movies? not me.

i feel embarassed & sorry about every person i've known - who went thru this - and i should have been more more supportive - and i knew it form the outside and never ever ever knew how darn horrible they were feeling inside this kind of a sitch.

did that make sense? anyway- with a few friends i've pretty much given up having any decency and shame and just talk to them about it. a sister went thru it herself- and a couple friends are happily married and cannot imagine.

it's okay- it's kind of "saved me" this forum and those chats. if we were to patch it up (who the he!! knows) i'll just deal with it then. the fallout or residual bad feelings.

this awful thing is about us - sorry, but true. getting thru it any way we can with our brains in tact. YOU'RE sure rite about getting thru it. i didn't think i would when it first happened- no kidding. i've never ever in my life felt soooooo = well, with no ground under my feet.

i hope to never again. i'm not doing everything rite i'm sure. like, probably if/when the giant split comes- i don't think a person can be ready for "it" - well, unless it's me doing the leaving. somehow after allllll these years- i still can't imagine not knowing this guy.

but knowing him now (who is REALLY is) apparently- i'm not sure i'd get to know him this well if i really knew originally. know what i mean- his inside integrity. i don't think there's any there anymore.

it's a big problem- who he is inside- and who he told me he was. and if he thought he was that guy at all. i don't think so any more. what the heck to do with this information and how to use it to make myself "not care" anymore.

oh well- exhausting junk. for this moment he is here innj- up on garage roof nailing on shingles????? i don't know why he still comes here or is in mylfe.

i kind of believe the folks who say he's just a cheating jerk and i should be gone. he clearly IS cheating jerk-

i wonder now, two or so yrs later- if i'm wrong about this being mlc - and he's only a spinless, self-indulgent cheating lowlife??? hard to change a lifetime view of a person.

he is clearly crazy and rewrites history (per mlc outline) and is reliving his youth , and alot of things that fit perfectly with what mwd says about it.

i am probably in last stages of just tiredness from figuring.

i don't think i'm totally detached or i wouldn't be here. rite??? i mean- if we don't care anymore- we wouldn't bother.

i do get self-conscious sometimes because i get in a emotional tailspin adn this stuff pours out. then i feel a bit embarassed by my own inability to conquer ita ll and move on immediately.

i'm sure i'll do it all wrong- and end up surprised and sorry about all the things i didn't do better or sooner or whatever-

that's my down side of taking each day as it comes. no future- no past - no -plan (overall) since can't speak for h, nothin.

well, health, alive, sane(pretty much) some family, some friends, some talents & interests, planted a tomato yesterday

small graces

i'm glad tohear from you- write - rant - it's okay and i wouldn't feel lame if i were you- just blam in there and throw in your two cents- it helps me (us) all to know you know, what we know, etc etc etc.

like holding hands a bit -

thanks for being out there. i'm sorry you are - hang on- you're rite - we can do it - we HAVE TO do it , don't we?

xxoo

[nero]

hiya-

i sure agree. and i'll take those scones. we'll have to have a reunion someday and we will (hopefully) laugh about this and not feel pain anymore.

i know- d is like death. it's darn hard to choose it - isn't it? even knowing it might be painless and "over" - it's still hard.

we can do it- hang on- h on roof - be a damn shame if he slipped off and fell on his stupid head and got "reformed" due to giant brain-jolt. oh man- reduced to that, ratty things. i don't actually wish he'd fall- it might be justice tho.

i need to regain my sense of humour- i'm always saying people don't laugh enough- i sure don't last couple years. had a glass of wine with a buddy in the garden other nite and laughed like mad- i'm sooooooo sick of being pent up and tired and exhausted and thinking and caring. i wanna be free too-

oh well- out to have a "great day" with tons of pma-

much like pms - flip of that coin

hang on - we can do this. i'll work on my scone recipe- need to add more butter so they actually taste like something we should be eating.

xxoo

[willbwell]

thanks for writing this for people like me who come constantly to this board to get some insight to this crazy reality.
always looking for that silver lining...

[nero]

hey hi will be-

i sure "hear " ya. me too. i come and i rant and say stuff on my mind and wonder if everyone in the universe out there thinks i'm off my rocker most of the time. i just don't care any more too much. everyone can have their opinin of me. they just don't know - do they??? unless you're plop in the middle of this mlc crappola - who can really know what we're feeling, how long long long it feels, how every single day we all probably want tojust chuck it- reconsider - think , "okay, one more stinking day" - etc. it goes on and on doesn't it.

i have to admit- i'm not any happier about it- and maybe a bit more accepting - -I hate admitting even to myself that i feel on a more even keel when h is around. he's got ow firmly planted (i believe) in his life out there. when he's in fl- i'm doing better- but pretty much still hate it like mad and feel like a mad bull inside.

i'm doing lots bettter on outside & in general (two years of knowledge) a million years of blind trust & stupidity- oh well huh?

thanks for saying you're out there. i always wonder who exactly is out there. dawn i know- she's my bud, and stays by me. everyone else- hit & run. i'm guilty of same- kind of allover the place.

anyway- it's awful isn't it? i'm sure glad to have the support & this place to go. i'd probably have given up waaay before now. it's an interesting idea - dbing. it's sure hard and long and hopefully not fruitless. who can ever know tho?

times like this i wish i were more intensly religious. i've got some religion- it's more kindly & nice to have. rather than total immersion and ability to let it go and think it will be taken care of by a kndly God. i'd like to- i guess i'm just a responsible kinda gal and think i've got to look over my own affairs best i can. it aint pretty

oh well- trying to put some junk (uh hem - wonderful anttiques)on ebay- just trying to find new homes for some grat stuff have accumulated over the years. isn't it sad that the only thing probably thatkept me from walking out first minute i found out all thi smlc crappola was the thought of moveing and seling and packing alllllll that stuff in fla house- and the notion that i could not deal with that on top of my world being destroyed in one minute.

oh well- here i am- good luck and say hi now and then- i'm not too private any more- my shame and discretion have been tossed to the wind. it's still got to be better than putting my bsiness allover facebook - wouldn't ya think?

anyway= it's all out there with me- how the heck can anyone understand or help if they don't know- it does help me-

thanks

xxo

[nero]

hey dawn & world-

i find it hard to remember to 8itch up and not be me. it's wierd to try and be some other kind of personna. i'm working very very hard on stopping my stupid mouth from saying "i'm sorry" every five minutes for everything in the world - and explaining - and "taking the bait " on anything inflammatory.

it's work man- i like caring- that's the hardest part- telling myself to stop it. i'm assuming if he works long and hard enough at being what he is currently- it will stop by itself. like my mom- sad to report - how i feel about her is different and i don't see it ever going back to what it was. too many bad feelings & on-purpose jabs. h too- he's not as bad as her. maybe that's why i can still even be here- comparison-wise- my mom has been worse last 15 years than i could have ever forseen.

oh well huh? people sure "make their own beds" - i do feel sorry for them having to lay in it- but i don't honestly see how i can or could have helped or saved them.

they WILL cut off their noses to spite their faces . man, i'm full of proverbs today- i do like them.

i got nothin much- just checking in while he's on roof to say hello and hope your day is going okay. will go read your thread now- take care - hope there's peace in dawnland today.
xxoo

[NLW]

hey hi NLW

thanks so much for the kind words. some times i wonder if i'm just a ranting idiot throwing this stuff out there.
Don't we all? - At least I do.

i read other people - and i quote it and i say "me too" til the cows come home. i don't know why- it helps to know others feel the same- so i'd say go ahead and do it and make yourself feel better (if it helps). i think it seems to.

Yep, you're right!

i'm soooo shameless (at this point) i'll take any help any confirmation from anywhere.
Me too!
and i'm not a big ole needy person- it's just that this sitch has bout "killed me". no kidding. would you ever have known what friends went thru with thier divorces or how this felt from tv shows and movies? not me.

Well I reckon I am a big ole needy and this has just about killed me too.
Literally.
And no, who would have known? I just thought "Oh, they've split up. Oh well". Not a second thought.

i feel embarassed & sorry about every person i've known - who went thru this - and i should have been more more supportive - and i knew it form the outside and never ever ever knew how darn horrible they were feeling inside this kind of a sitch.

did that make sense? anyway- with a few friends i've pretty much given up having any decency and shame and just talk to them about it.

Yep, me too. The details are gory and humiliating. Unbelievable even.

a sister went thru it herself- and a couple friends are happily married and cannot imagine.

it's okay- it's kind of "saved me" this forum and those chats. if we were to patch it up (who the he!! knows) i'll just deal with it then. the fallout or residual bad feelings.

Yeah, I wonder about this a bit too. But you gotta talk to someone, I figure.

this awful thing is about us - sorry, but true. getting thru it any way we can with our brains in tact. YOU'RE sure rite about getting thru it. i didn't think i would when it first happened- no kidding. i've never ever in my life felt soooooo = well, with no ground under my feet.

I can't even begin to describe how i felt. Worse than death. Sounds melodramatic, but you have to experience it to know.

i hope to never again. i'm not doing everything rite i'm sure. like, probably if/when the giant split comes- i don't think a person can be ready for "it" - well, unless it's me doing the leaving. somehow after allllll these years- i still can't imagine not knowing this guy.

but knowing him now (who is REALLY is) apparently- i'm not sure i'd get to know him this well if i really knew originally. know what i mean- his inside integrity. i don't think there's any there anymore.

They sell their souls i think.

it's a big problem- who he is inside- and who he told me he was. and if he thought he was that guy at all. i don't think so any more. what the heck to do with this information and how to use it to make myself "not care" anymore.

oh well- exhausting junk. for this moment he is here innj- up on garage roof nailing on shingles????? i don't know why he still comes here or is in mylfe.

i kind of believe the folks who say he's just a cheating jerk and i should be gone. he clearly IS cheating jerk-

Yeah, hard to get past this.

i wonder now, two or so yrs later- if i'm wrong about this being mlc - and he's only a spinless, self-indulgent cheating lowlife??? hard to change a lifetime view of a person.

he is clearly crazy and rewrites history (per mlc outline) and is reliving his youth , and alot of things that fit perfectly with what mwd says about it.

Yep, Mine to a T, too.

i am probably in last stages of just tiredness from figuring.

i don't think i'm totally detached or i wouldn't be here. rite??? i mean- if we don't care anymore- we wouldn't bother.

That's it. Sit back and watch, but geez, these guys are killing us.

i do get self-conscious sometimes because i get in a emotional tailspin adn this stuff pours out. then i feel a bit embarassed by my own inability to conquer ita ll and move on immediately.

i'm sure i'll do it all wrong- and end up surprised and sorry about all the things i didn't do better or sooner or whatever-

I feel this way often.

that's my down side of taking each day as it comes. no future- no past - no -plan (overall) since can't speak for h, nothin.

well, health, alive, sane(pretty much) some family, some friends, some talents & interests, planted a tomato yesterday

Wow, this sounds like you've come a long way - knowing what this was like in the beginning.

small graces

i'm glad tohear from you- write - rant - it's okay and i wouldn't feel lame if i were you- just blam in there and throw in your two cents- it helps me (us) all to know you know, what we know, etc etc etc.

Thanks, you've given me such confidence to continue and I love being able to get to know you more.

like holding hands a bit -

Sweet!

thanks for being out there. i'm sorry you are - hang on- you're rite - we can do it - we HAVE TO do it , don't we?

Totes dude (as my D17 would say (only ironically!).

xxoo

Back at you.

[albamarie]

Hey Nero

I got nothing! I tried to do things for myself this weekend, I kinda did some things other than sit at this lap top. H spent his time eating my BBQ and watching my 800 channels of tv, while do nothing in his miserable life. So glad I can make him feel so comfortable

Today is a beautiful day, I may try to lay down some seeds if it isn't going to rain, again. See H all weekend sit as I walk past 1000x's really brought back memories of how he was never more than this anyways. He was always a slug, what am I fighting for. Romeo, Romeo, where the hell are you Romeo!

I know you have your not-H there visiting your necessary chorus, shelves, roof, and your sick mom. Hey, who knew you had a handy man who worked for free, oh other than possession of your soul Hey, both our H's said that's what their still around and good for!

h will be working this week and I get the house to myself, what a load comes off the minute he walks out. I think I will rearrange all the furniture and paint the bathroom.

hope your fairing well with H in your space!

<3 dm