Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[Papa4Life]

Sorry, T, what I meant was that by using LRT you are validating their feelings of wanting to step back and reconsider their lives and what they want to do with it. So by "moving on", you're acknowledging that they have a right to do that - or at least validating their reasons for wanting to do that. So by saying that you always wanted to stay together, to their way of thinking, what they might hear you saying is that their feelings were wrong and that you knew all along what the right thing was for them to do. Does that make sense? Like I said, I'm just coming to this realization myself, so take it for what it's worth. But, yes, I do think you should let it lie. More for your own sake. Remember, the things that happen aren't the problem, they're just a symptom of the problem.

[azguy]

Your possible reply sounds reasonable, but be aware that she is trying to draw you into a further conversation while you are still rather emotional about this. If you are not ready, simply repeat your request. If it helps maybe say "I would like to take a week to think about it, and then talk." or something specific, so she doesn't feel left hanging.

She is looking for a reassurance that you understood her pain. That is okay, but until you have your own hurt under control, I suggest not trying to address hers. You want to talk to her in a loving detached way about the problem, and it's completely okay if you are not there yet.

Bottom line: Do your best to make this a constructive conversation about what you and she can do better in the future.

[Maritimer]

Wow what a roller coaster of emotions you must be going through!

One rule you are ignoring is not to have any expectations. I fell into this trap a few times! Your morals are different than hers, she never lied or tried to hid it. One thing I realized is not to ask questions if your not prepared to hear a answer you dont want to accept.

Take a step back, keep working on yourself, think about a validating response and be the better person. Stay strong buddy!

[T1000]

I have no idea how to validate her last message.
Until it comes to me, if it comes to me I'm just going to leave it.

I find the expectations thing so hard. Who can really have no expectations of something so massive in their lives.

I could have not asked the question but it would have eaten at me until I asked anyway. I have way more questions that I feel I need to know the answer to but will also cripple me.
I honestly (really deep down) expected (f***ing hate that word now) for her to say no. I honestly did. I was asking just to confirm what I thought (more fool me).

What I want isn't available anymore and never will be.
I would like to think I can get past this but right now moving on feels more realistic in what I 'm willing to accept.

I do agree that I can always change my mind down the road. That road looks pot holed, cracked and covered in barbwire right now.

[Papa4Life]

I understand that you feel that way, T. Give yourself some time and ctry to think about WHY it bothers you like it does. Is it just the fact that it happened at all? Is it because you convinced yourself it would never happen? Is it because you waited, whereas if you had known you might have acted differently?

I dunno, it seems like what your W was asking for was forgiveness. Maybe by pointing out that she feels like you didn't take her decision to separate seriously, she's trying to say, "I tried to warn you. The fact that you tried so hard to hold on only makes me feel worse now." But I just keep coming back to the idea that, hey, after she flew off and looked around a bit, she still decided to come back to you.

She might be thinking now that she wants to come back, but not if that means she will be resented by you for the rest of her life.

Give it some time, T, I urge you to go for a run, see friends, go bowling, something to get your mind off it. You need some perspective, but that takes time.

[T1000]

I know I need to give it time. I plan on going to a new gym after work plus I've got an episodes of Game of Thrones to watch too.

Is it just the fact that it happened at all? Yes
Is it because you convinced yourself it would never happen? Yes
Is it because you waited, whereas if you had known you might have acted differently? Yes

I'm fine for a few hours then I will get an image in my head and it feels like I'm gonna drop me to my knees. I stop straight away and try to think positive. It fills me with such rage and anger.

I feel like our union, the bond that we had has been tarnished by this and this alone. More than a physical and mental separation ever could.

A big part of the problem is if I can't I let this go. I'm scared that I can't. I feel like I want to lash out at her for hurting me. I feel like she is a slut who slept with first guy who asked her out. God only knows what else she might have been up to. I meant that little too her.

I think a big problem of mine is jealousy and control.

[jp787]

I think a big problem of mine is jealousy and control.

This is my problem area. I also think that I consider or treat my W as a possession. It is very, very damaging to both people.
The one who feels controlled wants freedom and the one controlling does anything to maintain control. I think it is good that you question that you are controlling and continue to look at it.

[T1000]

It's something I wanted to bring up with my IC on Friday.
That should be a fun session with all the current events!

[stilllookingup]

I obviously don't know what was going through her head so I can't say for a certain but she probably felt wanted and loved (or liked) by this guy. If I remember correctly she wanted to end this marriage in the first place because she felt so lonely? Oh I'm sure this guy was so nice to her, comforted her and made her feel she was wanted. We are so weak and dumb sometimes we fall for an act like when we feel lonely you know. Don't get me wrong.. I still wish she had been strong but she wasn't. But others are right. If she didn't want to save this marriage she wouldn't have told you the truth I don't think.

I remember few years back my H's friend's wife slept with a guy she worked with, he kicked her out and then forgave & took her back. Now they have a beautiful daughter and seem to be very happy together. EVERYONE who knew about it thought that was it. The husband's best friend defriended her because of that. But to everyone's surprise he took her back. And he didn't do so for the sake of their kids because at that time they didn't have kids.

[Fartiltre]

Hi T

Last week you wrote to me:
“Having all these thoughts running through your head can make you manic.
I think a lot us just read other peoples posts and move on, I thought I would have a go at responding to other people sitch's if I feel I can add anything to help.
It's easier to be subjective on other sitch's than your own.”

IT HELPED ME!

Try being objective! She left you, she is gone and she meets another man…
I understand your hurt but she is not to blame! IMHO!

Look at the text she wrote: ….”if we ever got back together”…
If you take this statement and the ones from the last week or so I think she is moving in your direction. At the moment you are hurting and you focus on OM. Look at the rest – look at the whole picture!
Read your own thread, remember your Rocky quote. This is a major blow to the guts but it won’t take you out, unless you let it! Get OM out of your head and get back on the horse!
With time you will know if you can live with it or not, but do not make that decision now. If you do, you will decide on basis of hurt, despair and anger. Make your decision objective as you told me!

NOW:
Go to the gym and work out. When you are done then start over! Get exhausted!
Watch Game of Thrones and then get some rest
Control your feelings and certainly keep them to yourselves for the moment!

ABOUT THE TEXT:
Please remember that I am not a vet (I am a newbie) and that you’re the one on the battlefield – not me! I would properly think very hard about answering at all if I got a text like this, but if I did I would go with something like: “I understand your sayings and the reason for them. I respect you and your opinion and it makes me happy that you are so honest with me! I hope we can talk later but timing is rather bad at the moment.”
Then I wouldn’t answer calls or texts before my head was clear again!