Hey Opt...what Tal said....let me add this...can you give him a ton of "mental space"? Drop the rope, so to speak? I know in my sitch the tighter I held on, the more he pulled. I know you're facing the demon but IMHO, the better you can let HIM deal with it (and tacitly let him know that you trust him by doing that) the better off you'll be.
Be kind to yourself...the phase you're in right now is truly exhausting (as you know)
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I am so sorry your day and week got so rough. It is natural for you to feel upset but try to hang in there and detach for now.
I think your H is putting some pressure on himself too and that is why he was so jumpy when leaving for his meeting. I hope that the rest of your weekend went well - post meeting. How was he when he got home?
Have you been able to get out and let off some steam exercise-wise? You are under a tremendous amount of pressure yourself and that can trigger your migrane as you know. I am worried about you.
I should be around tomorrow late morning, early afternoon if you want to connect on Yahoo.
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Checking in on you, girlfriend. Are you staying the course during this emotionally turbulent time? Do you have any other outlets, like a C or good pals to talk without censure, who won't report back to H? I'd like to think that you're emotional needs are being addressed. Hang in there!
Another week goes by and time does fly. I cannot believe it is midFebruary already... I have been very busy at work and barely able to log in. I will have to spend hours on the bb to catch up with everybody. Sorry.
Things at home seem to be the same. I had not brought up anything about H's office or how things were since our two outbursts in the weekend but I do not think it was a good idea because I kept being eaten up by anger and resentment. I got to a point in which I felt nearly ready to just go on with the divorce, and the only thing that kept me from having him served was that I just could not bring myself to do that to my daughter. She has been such a happy little camper since Daddy came back... she has even been praying every day to God for a little brother...
Now that I checked, I had not posted about the other little 'incident' during the weekend. It was a virtual copy of the first but on Sunday. Again my mother called me and made me feel hunted; then H said he'd dropped us at the bookstore while he checked on work (he had called at noon to ask whether he should finish then come home or come home and then we'd go out together, and we'd wait at the bookstore while he finished work: I chose the second option). We went on and I am quietly thinking of my convo with my mother and trying to think of a way to tell her to please not check up on me every 5 minutes because it makes me feel spied on. Suddenly H asks what's wrong with me and I say 'nothing.' Next thing I know he is in a pelter, saying that he had asked me what to do and I had chosen to go to the bookstore and have him go to work now. I told him he was mistaken and we kind of glossed it over, but it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth, metaphorically speaking.
The rest of the week went by fast, with lots of meetings and committees and late hours. My mood did not get much better and I still felt H was trying to hide things from me and keep me away from his work and his office.
Yesterday morning I had a dream. It is rather blurry right now (it has been one day after all) but in my dream it is 4 am and H and I are talking R in bed; he tells me that things are good and the wh*re and her daughters are gone for ever; I ask for his new car to go to work and he says no prob. Really nice, uplifting dream.
Anyway, I wake up at 6 am and I think the convo WAS real, so I get up, get dressed and get H's car keys to go to work (early morning meeting) and kiss him bye. I get in the car and next thing I know a furious H is in the garage asking WTH do I think I am doing.
Me:"You told me I could take the car to work today" H: "Did not" Me: "Did" H: "Did not" Me: "But we talked earlier..."(realization hits) "Don't tell me it was a dream" H: (going back to bed in a bad mood) "Do whatever you want" Me: (frozen in the spot) "It cannot have been a dream"
Anyway, I go back to the bedroom (corporate meeting temporarily forgotten before more pressing problem) and he is back in bed, very mad at me.
H: "I am leaving". Me: (with supernatural calm) "If that is what you want, fine. But this is it. We are not going to be playing this game with D anymore. I cannot have her go through the same thing again and again any longer." H: "You always bring her up" Me: "I cannot differentiate between what is good for her and what I want for me. Her needs are first" (meaning even though I may not care for you any more I am ready to work on this for her sake) H: (grumble) Me: (calm and bussiness like)"If that is what you want, I'll call the lawyer tomorrow. When do you want to be served?" H: (grumble) Me: "Is it what you want?" H: "No, it is not what I want but I do not know what else to do." Me: "You can try telling me things"
Seemed to open a floodgate. I cannot recall the thing verbatim any longer, but he told me that the wh*re is looking for a job and is still there because she still has not found one. That he could kick her out immediately but he does not want to. That he has to do this his way, and has even wondered why is he doing it like that, whether it is some kind of perverse, teenage desire to make me suffer or to disobey... That he has learned that he does not feel anything for her and even confessed that it has been over a year since he had sex with her. That it has been good for him because it has convinced him that he is able to work with her and now he avoids the office unless he has clients there. He told me that a year ago he did not know what he wanted, but that now he knows he wants us, he loves me and wants to live with me.
He mentioned the weekend fiasco and I explained that I was mad at my mother, not him, and he was overreacting to my moods and interpreting as related to him, not to me. I told him to stop trying to read me and start asking questions and giving me more information himself, because I was not going to be walking on eggshells.
I had to tell him we'd talk later and rush to work 30 minutes late. I came home really late last night and wiped out, so we did not talk. He is still home though, and this morning he called me to invite me to breakfast.
But if it is so positive, why am I not any happier?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Opt, I know it was a difficult and hard conversation... and I am sure you will have more ahead. I've even thought of the conversations ahead that H and I will have to have... ugh. BUT, you need to relish these conversations... understand that you are going to feel lousy after talking to him because he is not (because he cannot) telling you what you want to hear, but he IS sharing with you, he IS talking to you. So listen, validate. Remind yourself that eventually the OW WILL be out of your lives, clearly that is what your H wants.
They all have to clean up their messes. They all have to disentangle themselves from the web they have created. Be thankful and grateful that although your Hs efforts seem to be taking forever, he has decided to make the effort. Hang in there, girlfriend.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Another weird update. Valentine's day was another fiasco. I was not feeling like doing anything special, so I did not give H any presents or even mention it. He did give me three nice paintings and we stayed home because it snowed; everything was pretty nice initially.
We were watching movies and H put the channel on CNN and went to the kitchen. At the moment they were putting on the special on Infidelity. I started to watch it and it seemed good. H came back, saw the topic and without a word, changed the channel to 'Cliffhanger,' a movie we have watched 100 times. I got up and went to our room. He asked if I wanted to watch the movie and I said 'no, I've already seen it.' I started to watch the special, but I really could not bear it alone, so I went back and asked H to watch it with me. He got mad and refused... then I went back to bed and tried to sleep, but could not. I went back to the family and found that H had turned the TV off and was slepping in the couch. I asked him to come to bed and he replied gruffly "I am in bed." I said fine and went back to bed, but could not sleep so I sat in silence by the coach. At some point, he fell off the coach, hit my feet and realized I was there. We just hugged for a while, then went to bed...
Sunday and Monday went by fine, with lots of work but no serious glitches. And this morning started well . Then I picked up the mail and there was a letter from 'the other' CFC saying something about talking to the wh*re about H's account with him. Apparently, without telling me a word about it, my H has changed all his retirement accounts from our financial consultant to this guy. I ran into H at work and told him to give me a call when he had time to speak. A little while ago he did.
I was in the middle of the office and quite constricted to talk, but he was in his car, and was very vocal. He does not want to include me in his financial life. He feels I am controlling him and being vengeful. He is not interested in going to counsellors or working through any books. He resents even my talking to friends about our problems or being on the bb. He accused me of turning all his friends against him. He wants to forget everything and live his life with us sharing only what he wants to share.
I explained to him that I needed validation, and to be included. That I could not just ignore what happened. That I was trying to make our R more open. That I wanted to be informed, not to control him.
I told him I did not feel loved or valued, just useful. He got mad and cited instances of behaviors that prove he loves me (his being more accesible, his informing me of what he does...). I tried to explain the LL concept to him, but he did not want to listen. He seems to think I should be happy with whatever he does and accept whatever he wants to give me, even when it is clearly not what I need or want.
I am seriously wondering whether our R is just fundamentally flawed. I want things he really cannot give me, he wants things I cannot accept... Maybe it just will not work. He is trying. I am trying. We may just need different things.
At this point, I am hanging on by my fingertips. The thought of my D's face if her family falls apart is the only thing that stops me from calling it quits.
What am I doing wrong? And do not say drop the rope: I did it once, he felt unloved and got involved with the wh*re...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Pam just had a great insight about my sitch, while we were chatting on IM. Here is the convo:
Quote: psluke1 (12:04:22 PM): It partially sounds like communication to me psluke1 (12:04:26 PM): optimistdb (12:04:36 PM): communication? optimistdb (12:07:06 PM): You mean he does not see that his buying the house she lives in and changing his retirement accounts to a guy that calls her to set up appointments and writes to him to her address might upset me? psluke1 (12:07:55 PM): Yes, he isn't seeing what you are saying he is hearing something totally different psluke1 (12:07:59 PM): I think you aren't asking what he is thinking but it is like you are neither one totally understanding the other and locked into your positions. psluke1 (12:08:08 PM): I am not explaining well optimistdb (12:08:08 PM): I know optimistdb (12:08:17 PM): No, you are explaining it fine optimistdb (12:08:24 PM): that is how I feel optimistdb (12:12:05 PM): Any ideas on how to get out of the impasse? psluke1: but how do you get him to see that without feeling attacked and controlled?
Any suggestions? I am abusing poor Pam enough...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Have you read Dr. Laura's book the Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands? Get it. You may get a new perspective on how to talk to your h and deal with this impasse.
Hello my friends and sorry for the long hiatus. I felt I needed a break from the BB because I was starting to neglect living in the real world so that I could live in the virtual one. Not a good decission if I want to have a real life...
Anyway, in the R front things were about the same. No more fireworks, lots of (we continue our green mornings... ), and lots of time together. I had even resolved last night to give him time to get to kick OW out his way...
After the bomb, I had asked him repeatedly to do things for me and he never did, but since he came back from his vacation I had noticed he did do some, like leaving his cell phone open all the time, and calling me with his plans beforehand... So, even though I had seen a bunch of weird 'flags' go off (he had told me he was not moving his retirement accounts to the other CFC and he has, he insists the wh*re is looking for a job, but she's still there...) I thought I should quit doing 'more of the same' (e.g. ask him to do things he obviously did not want to do) and wait and see what happened. So we have been in limbo for 2 weeks, not a bad kind though.
But today, I am furious. I need to vent here before I go off and do something very precipitate. Trying to keep myself from calling my lawyer as we speak... or write... whatever!
I went to our D's new school for the final admission's interview and she scored really high in her tests for a 4 year-old: 89 percentile in nearly everything. I was totally proud, so I dropped by H's office to show off (I had been worrying about her motor skills and H had been telling me not to worry).
When I got there, H was working and OW and her D were there as office staff. I sat in his office to wait for him and noticed 2 coats and 2 jerseys that used to be home were now there... He also had NO pictures of me whatsoever, and several of D in front of the wh*re's house...
And in that W's office there is a new cartoon of her and him framed and on the wall (I saw it from the door, so I could not see when it was done, but it was not there 2 weeks ago, when I dropped by). She used to have a bunch of pictures of her and her family in that place (including one of her son's wedding with my H there)...
It made me think there is something fishy going on. Well, if all is over between them and she is looking for another job why would she bother to frame an old cartoon and put it in her office?
And he kept being very cold with me and telling me to 'take care. Good bye' when I told him 'see you later, love you'...
I want to puke... I suspect he is playing the double game again, telling her we are getting a divorce any day and telling me we are together for ever... That would explain why he does not want anything from me in his office... why he does not want me involved in his finances, and why he does not even dare borrow my car...
Of course, the W does not realize that if I went ahead with the divorce she's know right away: she and her family would be sub poenaed (is that the correct word, ODGA?) to depose as to the adultery... But of course she's not smart... or is too greedy to care...
As I get calmer, I am remembering that when I asked him if I should bring the clothes home with me, he answered "I did not buy those clothes." Meaning that they were a present from her and he did not want them anymore... I did not dispute the assertion, but we had bought one of the coats and the jerseys together...
What do I do now?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
. Then I picked up the mail and there was a letter from 'the other' CFC saying something about talking to the wh*re about H's account with him. Apparently, without telling me a word about it, my H has changed all his retirement accounts from our financial consultant to this guy. I ran into H at work and told him to give me a call when he had time to speak. A little while ago he did.
), and lots of time together. I had even resolved last night to give him time to get to kick OW out his way...
I suspect he is playing the double game again, telling her we are getting a divorce any day and telling me we are together for ever... That would explain why he does not want anything from me in his office... why he does not want me involved in his finances, and why he does not even dare borrow my car...