Well, we did talk a bit last night... though it was a rather anticlimactic conversation.
We were having dinner and watching the news and I asked him what had he wanted us to discuss when he came back. He answered: "Well, exactly that. That I am home and we will work things out." I said nothing.
A bit later he added: "I really appreciate you giving me that time for me to sort things out and make my decision. I needed to decide whether I loved you or not and whether I wanted to go back for you or for our D. And I am sure it was also a good thing for you." I said: "Not exactly. It was a terrible experience for D and I had no time to do anything but be there for her. You cannot imagine how bad she was." H: "Yes, it was terrible for me not to call you. When you left me at the airport it was all I could do not to run after you two and the car." I remained silent.
H: "When I was away I realized I really loved you and missed you, not only D. I could not wait to come home." Me: "So, when you came home in August, you did not know if you loved me?" H: "Well, I loved you but I did not know whether I wanted to come back because of you or because of how bad you felt."
Me: "And what are you going to do?" H: "I am going to close the office. I have found some other things to work in and I think that in 2 weeks, I will be alone in the office. I do not even want to change the accounts. I will just close them and open new ones in a different bank."
Me: "And what are you going to do with the house?" H (who up to now had no idea I knew about the house): "I bought it as an investment. I am talking to some people who want to rent it for a bussiness." Me: "Why did you not tell me that you were buying it?" H: "You were in no shape to tell you" I managed not to tell him what a crappy excuse that was.
Me: "Do you realize that if you do not include me in your life and your bussiness decisions this is not going to work? That unless we get involved in each other's stuff we are going to end back in the same sh*tty sitch?" H: silence. We keep snuggling and watching TV... I do not bring anything else up... for now.
The problem guys is that I have heard all that before: the "ILY, not our D. I am back for you, not for her"; the "they'll be gone in 2 weeks"; the "I will close the office" and the "Do not worry, everything will be OK"
Any thoughts?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I have been doing a lot of pondering the postings Kitti has put up from Brian Tracy.
There is a line that has hit me like a ton of bricks....
What you believe... WITH CONVICTION...becomes your reality.
So my thoughts are simular to what you are thinking. I doubt what I am seeing from my H. If I think about the above line, and I am doubting, I cannot believe with conviction and therefore my subconcious if effected and that in turn makes my gestures, my tone and my words reserved. I may not notice it, but I bet my H does. It may not even be a concious thought for him either, but I bet he knows I am being that way.
I just wonder what effect would be different if I TRULY let it all go and HAD FAITH and BELIEVED?
Just my rambling thoughts today. Sorry I don't have an answer for your questions.... can only let you know I'm having simular feelings.
opt, i think this is a great beginning, i know it sounds like the same ole same ole, but there is a diff between then and now, so take this in, you gave him some things to think about and let it go until the next time...
It's good that you and your H were able to have a discussion...even though it wasn't all encompassing and even though it didn't leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy about the hopefulnes of the sitch, it was still a good talk.
You said that he's told you some of those same things before...well, okay...now wait and see.
I know it has helped me to set a 'time frame' in my mind as to what I believe is a reasonable period for my H to Do the things he's said he will do. In my sitch, there are two big issues that need resolved in order for me to be content to carry on this R. I have (in MY OWN MIND) given H until Spring to fulfill those "TASKS" (for lack of a better word).
One of the two 'tasks' is relatively simple, but to him...the holding out on it I believe is his 'safety net' his 'foot out the door' just in case...The second thing will be far more difficult for him, because it means he will have to come completely 'clean' with me about everything....and THAT is NOT something my H wants to do for fear it will 'rock the boat'....but without that...I see no point in prolonging the existence of a less than honest relationship.
So my suggestion to you would be to give the things that HE no doubt sees as BIG...some time. Allow a 'reasonable' amount of time for him to settle in, feel safe in his decision to come home and time to reestablish his connection to you.
Remind yourself that Rome wasn't built in a day...and your reconciliation won't be either. BUT also, give yourself permission to set your boundaries and a time line for YOUR NEEDS to be met so that the future with you H isn't all on HIS terms and to meet HIS needs because if you make YOUR needs secondary in the long haul...the only one you'll be left to dislike, will be yourself.
So what's reasonable to you? Two months, six a year? T2
Haven't been here for a few days. I am glad that you were able to have a R talk, however brief it may have been.
I agree with water - your actions and thoughts will be reflective of what is going on inside of you. I am not just saying this, I am living it.
Last Tuesday, I put aside my misgivings and uncertainty and greeted my H with lightness and laughter. I got it in return. It set the tone for the rest of our evening and week.
I know you have been down this road before, but the road is newly paved, reopened after being closed for construction. Give your H the chance to take action. What have you got to lose? It won't hurt any more or less by letting go and trusting him to do what he says he will do.
You are strong, which is great. You are successful, you are a great mom. Just open up the part of you that says "Go for it" and live with the rewards.
You go girl!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Well my friends... I think I have messed it up big time.
It has been a very disappointing week, marked by my fears and concerns when I discovered on the wh*re was still working in the office and that my H kept trying to hide things from me and continue to live as if nothing had ever happened. I got to a point in which the only thing that kept me from calling the attorney and going on with the suit was the thought of how much my D would suffer if we got a divorce...
Last night we went to dinner together and our daughter lost her first tooth... we snuggled through the night and this morning everything seemed to be ok... He even fixed breakfast... he called at 10 am to tell me he was still home and about to go to work and came back at 2:30 pm with lunch because I had a migraine.
I do not know how it happened. I did not even see it come. We had been watching a DVD, resting, and my headache was gone. Then my parents called and they kept me talking. I was upset, because I feel very hunted when they call... they keep asking questions and telling me they miss us (D and I). At this point the gardeners come and H tells them to do some stuff and they do all the wrong thing and they ask for a ton of money...
Then I am still on the phone with my mother and H gets dressed to leave. I hang up on my mother (they don't know we are working on our M and would disapprove if they did) and go to ask him what's up. He tells me all about the gardeners and "I'm telling him no way they are going to come on Monday and mess up this again. I'll call them now." And I try to. At this H tells me he is leaving to go to an evening meeting of which he had not told me a thing and I'm totally speechless and unhappy with the news. And he keeps asking me if "I let him go." Then he gets upset at me, says "what on h*ll am I doing? I don't have to be asking permission to do things" and leaves kind of muttering darkly he might not come back. He turns back quickly to pick up something and I tried to talk to him, but he would not listen.
I feel broken inside. Broken and tired. I think we have both tried, our way. But his way is not my way and my way is not his. I do not want us to continue to hurt each other like this... and to hurt our daughter. How many more times does she have to see her Daddy leave and her mother in tears... or trying to suppress them?
I am so tired...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Dearheart - don't let a bump in the road make you feel like you've piled into a ditch. The w*ore ain't but a little misquito and he's still MLCing. It doesn't go in a straight line upwards....lot's of ups and downs from here.
Any chance you can get the boy into MC?
Wolfie had MAJOR autonomy issues--worrying about being under a microscope--afraid that I would never allow him any privacy. Take care of yourself - he still has the heebie-jeebies and so do you, but his mind will slowly clear.
