Beginning and end of a bright green morning

[optimist]

Well my friends... I think I have messed it up big time.

It has been a very disappointing week, marked by my fears and concerns when I discovered on the wh*re was still working in the office and that my H kept trying to hide things from me and continue to live as if nothing had ever happened. I got to a point in which the only thing that kept me from calling the attorney and going on with the suit was the thought of how much my D would suffer if we got a divorce...

Last night we went to dinner together and our daughter lost her first tooth... we snuggled through the night and this morning everything seemed to be ok... He even fixed breakfast... he called at 10 am to tell me he was still home and about to go to work and came back at 2:30 pm with lunch because I had a migraine.

I do not know how it happened. I did not even see it come. We had been watching a DVD, resting, and my headache was gone. Then my parents called and they kept me talking. I was upset, because I feel very hunted when they call... they keep asking questions and telling me they miss us (D and I). At this point the gardeners come and H tells them to do some stuff and they do all the wrong thing and they ask for a ton of money...

Then I am still on the phone with my mother and H gets dressed to leave. I hang up on my mother (they don't know we are working on our M and would disapprove if they did) and go to ask him what's up. He tells me all about the gardeners and "I'm telling him no way they are going to come on Monday and mess up this again. I'll call them now." And I try to. At this H tells me he is leaving to go to an evening meeting of which he had not told me a thing and I'm totally speechless and unhappy with the news. And he keeps asking me if "I let him go." Then he gets upset at me, says "what on h*ll am I doing? I don't have to be asking permission to do things" and leaves kind of muttering darkly he might not come back. He turns back quickly to pick up something and I tried to talk to him, but he would not listen.

I feel broken inside. Broken and tired. I think we have both tried, our way. But his way is not my way and my way is not his. I do not want us to continue to hurt each other like this... and to hurt our daughter. How many more times does she have to see her Daddy leave and her mother in tears... or trying to suppress them?

I am so tired...