The long and winding road

[Mtnman]

I understand completely tvs. W is acting normal a lot and, at times, making real connections with the boys. Happy and hurt at the same time.

[reachingHigher]

But tvs, remember the backwards direction of connection? As much as it hurts, it's so positive he is interested in the precious boys!

It was last August when I noticed my H becoming genuinely interested once again in the boys. I remember the longing for that interest in me.

It's like you're so happy they are reconnecting with the boys...but there is a terrible ache inside.

Your H just isn't there yet, to do more.

I'm so glad you all had a happy day. Happy days are building up in H's memory bank too. He just doesn't show it.

And I am so glad he was sleeping in bed with you when he got the 6 am text. I'm guessing her true colors are starting to show. Maybe it just is taking a while b/c the true colors had to get through the 40 pounds. Idk.

Thanks for the update.

It made me happy to know you had a happy day (mostly).

[uRworthy]

I'm sorry, my friend, that the day was tinged with a little bit of sadness.

I understand why you felt that way. What you are doing is so hard, having him at home.

And you have been a champ.

It is true that the reconnection with the spouse is the last one.

And while it is important to have hope, because anything can happen, I know that sometimes doubt seeps in. And that's ok.

I agree with RH, he is making memories to put in his bank.

And it is wonderful that he has become interested in your sons again.

So, I guess what I want to say is that I understand what you are feeling. And I know how very hard this is for you.

And I also wanted to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman. And I wish with all my heart that things turn out the way you want them to.

[GALbaby]

Like RH..it made me happy to hear you had a happy day today, even though you deserve a happy EVERY day! we appreciate our blessings, however small. We are on the roller coaster ride right along side you TVS. Am feeling those bumps along every step of the way with you. Always hoping and praying for a return to "normal" family life for you.

I am coming on to 12 months BD and feeling a little reflective. Didn't come here until June and met you and RH soon after. What a journey we've all had and how quickly the time has passed. Keep hanging in there and you will be rewarded with happiness every day, I know it.

[wishing, hoping]

What makes me happy for you is that it seems to be genuine care and concern your H has for your children. He's not just putting on an act. That is the best part because while I am glad my H has picked up the slack in his taking care of the kids, it seems to be for his own intents and purposes. It isn't genuine. Yours is and I am so happy for that. For that reason I can see your sitch turning around if you just hang on. You have what's real. I have a lie and I often wonder if there was any truth ever.

Hang onto these happy times!!!

WH

[job]

T,
I'm glad he's thawing out a bit and reconnecting w/the boys. Reconnection will be the exact opposite of how he entered into mlc.

Please take some time and read the thread that I started many years on reconnection. I think it will help you better understand and give you a little bit of peace. If you can't located it, I'll be happy to drop it into your thread for you.

Enjoy your day.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi everyone~

Thanks so much for all of your support and kind words. It was comforting to me to wake up this morning and read all of your posts.

Last night was tough for me, I had some quiet tears alone at bedtime. Tears for what was, tears for what I wish to be.

Snodderly, I have read the TMAK reconnection thread - many times! I am finding it is more difficult to deal with when it is reality versus a hypothetical situation. It does make me feel good to think that maybe, just maybe, he is really making his way through. Slowly, but surely.

Maybe rH and I can head to the hardware store to get a group discount on patience shovels lol!

rH, I understand what you mean. He is doing what he is capable of doing at this point.

And I really loved what you said about building up happy days in his memory bank. I guess sometimes I feel like he just stumbles along each day, with no real memory of anything to do with his family. Maybe he does remember our happy times together...

And your 40 lbs. comment had me laughing out loud!

UW ~ I know you understand exactly what I'm going through and feeling. It does help to know that people out there get me, get my situation.

I think I have my guard up too because he was normal/nice last weekend, then the switch flipped, and he was miserable when he came home Monday. He was then pretty moody and miserable for the rest of the week - till Saturday morning - then the switch was flipped back.

I saw a reconnection to our home first (being home more, no coming in at 3:00 am every weekend, doing chores around the house), and then our children. This has taken 15 months post bomb. Not sure how long before that he started to disconnect (I'm guessing around a year).

Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day stuff, I lose sight of the big picture. There has been change and progress.

Hey Gal! I was very reflective around the year mark too, I think because I set that as my original personal goal to make it to. It was bittersweet for me... I was proud that I hung in there, that I made it a whole year. But I was saddened by my H's continued alien behavior (no doubt magnified by the holiday season!)

I remember very clearly when I joined the boards. I was having many sleepless, crying filled nights. I felt so lost and alone. But that all changed

Thanks for always encouraging me, not to mention providing a laugh or two along the way!

WH ~ I feel for you, sometimes I get mad at your H and I've never even met him! I always believed that if a M fell apart and two people just couldn't work it out, at the very least they should love the children they created together and be the best parent they could be. But MLC is a whole different ballgame in so many ways.

My H has said numerous times since the bomb that he thinks he's a bad father, so I think that on some level he knew he was different and disconnected from them too. He told me he always feels bad after he snaps at them or loses his temper.

It has been very, very difficult at times to step back and let him figure out his R with the boys - but it seems to be working.

I really hope one day your H will see how precious your children are, and have a genuine, loving R with them.

And M-Man, thanks for stopping by. You have been doing a great job DBing, keep up the good work!

Onto today....

So H comes up to bed around 5:00 am. Asks me to scratch his back and put lotion on it, said the itching was unbearable. Also asked me to put lotion on/rub his hand because it gets so sore from constantly itching. Then, I know you will all love this part, he says his stomach has been really dry, could I put some lotion on it?

So there I am, 5:00 am, H laying in bed with me in his underwear as I rub lotion on his stomach. Interesting to say the least! (And I'm pretty sure that would not be on the OW's approved activity list for H! Lol!)

Part of me does it because I feel it is a way for us to connect physically since there is no physical affection/sex between us. I also truly do have compassion for all his itchiness - that is legit. (Not sure about the stomach though lol!)

He was good again today. For as nice as the weather was yesterday, it was cold and rainy today. We both did a lot of cleaning and organizing around the house.

Out of the blue this evening, he volunteered to go get us some ice cream. The first thing I think of is "Guess OW needs him to call!" I hope she is riding his a$$ about everything and anything. That's who she is - that's how she has always been with her H since I've known her.

That grass once thought to be so green continues to wilt away...

Sorry for being a big windbag tonight!

Have a good evening everybody

[wishing, hoping]

(((TVS)))

Doesn't sound so bad. : ). Sounds like a nice weekend. Maybe the OW has been given the boot. The two sizes too small boot of course!!!

We're here for you!!

WH

[job]

T,
I agree w/Wishing, your weekend wasn't too bad at all. I know you are tired and getting frustrated, but you've had some positives over the last few months. Take a look in the mirror...you've grown, you've become more independent and wiser because of this journey. You are a very compassionate lady who had a lot to offer and my word...the patience you have shown your h is unbelieveable.

Your h is reconnecting and you will be the last one he reconnects with. When they go into the dark hole, you were the first he disconnected from, etc. It does work backwards and I've seen it take place many times. The problem is, by the time the mlcer attempts to reconnect w/the lbs, the lbs has given up and moved on. Sometimes, the mlcer doesn't know which key to use to open the door to start the reconnection w/the spouse and they will find excuses, etc., to get a foot in the door. T, it will happen, but this is a very slow part of the journey because there are signs here and there of clarity and they make you wonder about him and what he's really up to....stay positive!

I hope today is a good day for you and your boys.

[uRworthy]

T, I would be worried if there werent tears from time to time. After all, what you are going through is excruciating at times.

I do believe your h is working his way through. But it took him a long while to get to his crisis so it is going to take a long while to get out of it.

You know how I feel about you.

Keep on keeping on.