I can assure you I took the separation very seriously. I was very upset when you left. It was the end of our relationship as it was. I decided if it could be saved it was worth saving. I wanted to keep our family together. Every time we interacted, went on vacation, slept with each other and had fun with the kids during our separation it gave me hope that it wasn't the end. I hoped for a new relationship with you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thanks for the input Papa4life. I know it wasn't done TO ME. I feel like I'm the one that getting the rough end though.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I took the separation very seriously. I was very upset when you left. It was the end of our relationship as it was. I thought what we could have was worth fighting for. I wanted to keep our family together. We have been separated but we haven't been apart for longer than 2 months in between the times we got together. Every time we interacted, went on vacation, slept with each other and had fun with the kids it gave me hope. I continually hoped for a new relationship with you.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I can do the no responding thing but why am I doing it? I think her reply is defensive and I can see why she would go that route. She feels attacked so she is trying to convince herself or me that she was not in the wrong. I think wether she was wrong or not is subjective, I think she was but I'm the hurt party. She sounds like she is also trying to communicate how she feels.
What is going dim going to achieve? I need to not attack her but ignoring her doesn't feel right. I know DB is counter intuitive and I understand going dim/dark when a boundary is being crossed or to increase mystery and I understand keeping quiet if all I'm going to do is pi$$ her off. I know that it could turn into an argument if i handle it badly.
She says it's done, she has apologised if she has hurt me and she possibly wants me back. How does going dim help?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Hi again T. WOW, her response is a complete validation of what MWD has said about what the entire point is of the LRT! Which is, of course, to make it clear to the WAS that you are strong enough to move on with your own life with or without them. IMO, using the LRT is a validation of the WAS's feelings of confusion and uncertainty, and it shows them that you didn't just didn't feel that you knew all along that their feelings were "wrong" and that they were bad people for having those doubts! Wow, I'm kina just realizing this myself as I write this.
Look, I can tell you are very hurt about this admission, and I can understand that you would feel that way, especially knowing that you made the decision not to see other people during your separation. But that was YOUR decision. And as everybody keeps reminding me, you can't control another person's actions. And you have to remember, you were the one who asked her about this, so it's not as if she told you just to stick it to you. She's concerned about your feelings, that's got to tell you something.
I guess what I'm driving at here in a very roundabout way is that you should in no way make your W feel guilty about what she did. I daresay that your actions in the hours and days ahead could make or break your future R with your W. If I were in your sitch (and I sort of am), I would just back off. Let it lie. Don't bring it up, but if she wants to talk about it, listen and validate. Let HER think about how she wants to address it. That puts you in a more powerful position.
Jealousy is usually the fear that your S's actions somehow make you less of a man in the eues of other guys. Well, I'm technically a guy, and I look at it as your W having serious doubts, exploring her options, and realizing that what she wants is you. How she arrived at that realization is incidental. It's not the path, it's the destination that counts. And while I'm sure your W is glad that she took the opportunity to explore her options and figure out what's best for her, she'll probably regret this one aspect of it and probably see it for what it is: another avenue she explored when reconsidering her life, but otherwise meaningless.
Keep your chin up, T, you'll get through this.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
So do I validate the last thing she said or let it lie?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
"IMO, using the LRT is a validation of the WAS's feelings of confusion and uncertainty, and it shows them that you didn't just didn't feel that you knew all along that their feelings were "wrong" and that they were bad people for having those doubts!"
Not quite sure what you mean here.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
I am not a vet but you were kind enough to give me advice when I needed it so here is my thought.
I understand why you want to communicate and talk with her - I feel the same way all the time....but think back and read your old postings from when it all started! IMHO your text-responses are VERY pursuing and I think you will realize that, if you leave them be and read them later or tomorrow.
Question here is - as always - what do you want? Do you want her back or not? Is the OM a "dealbreaker" or not? To me it would not be and I agree with azguy. Perhaps this OM in fact could be a turning point for you! You have done so well and now you are backsliding! Only a few days ago you felt her interest!. I understand your feelings and hurt, but from an outstander and an objective point of view - she hasn’t done anything wrong! You are not together!
Forgive her and get your grip back or don’t forgive her and risk the backslide - as I see it!
Move on with DB for the moment! Read Sandi2 rules 10 times! Think straight! You can always turn her down if this is a dealbreaker for you, but don’t backslide before you are absolutely sure that this is your opinion. Think about your reactions when she dropped B! Where did they get you? What are you about to do now?
(I hope you read this as well meant and kind words – it is! I understand your feelings and needs!)
If you need to give her an answer, then just validate her feelings and let it rest there! Don’t argue!
Pulling! Fartiltre
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
