Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[azguy]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine the emotions that must be swirling in your head right now.

This will likely take awhile for you to decide how you feel about this. Can I suggest an approach?

Thank her for being honest with you. Tell her you are still dealing with your reaction to it and would like to take some amount of time to consider it carefully. Then just go off and really think about how you want to respond to this. Be as open and kind as you can muster (think of her as the mother of your kids, if kindness seem wrong), but also don't try to discuss it until you can get your head straight.

Take your time with this news. Vent here if you need to. Hang in there.

[T1000]

I really appreciate the support.

Yes I am glad she didn't lie and I appreciate that she didn't.

I've always had a hard time with the fact that there was people before I even met her.

On our honeymoon just through a simple conversation about one of her vacations a boyfriend was mentioned that I never knew about. When I realised they will have had sex it destroyed me. I know it's not a rational reaction but that is where my thoughts go and I have always struggled with that.
If I struggled with that and feel horrible inside whenever I think of her with anyone else before we even met how am I supposed to get past this?

Now there has been someone else after we got married and after she has had our kids and I don't see me getting past that.

Everything I read that is supposed to help me understand or move past it doesn't even register at all.

I was reading about breathing this morning, sexual arousal was mentioned and it set me off again.

I got her some really nice gifts for her birthday at the beginning of the month, I feel like such an idiot. Even looking forward her birthday is going to remind me.
We were together on Valentine and she must have started with OM right after. How am I supposed to see Valentines day the same way with her now?
She would have been with him on Mother Days too, ooh another significant date to stamp in my brain.

It makes me so angry that she used to pour it on thick about how tired she was and how she needed the rest and could I have the kids for public holidays. Feel so used.

It probably didn't have anything to do with me. She was probably just wrapped up in her own emotions.
Doesn't make any difference it's there now and will always be there.

[azguy]

I hear you.

Part of what makes being attached to someone so difficult is how vulnerable you are. She can hurt you in so many ways, even if she doesn't intend to. There's no way around it. That hurt you're feeling, I think, is because you still care for her. Otherwise what difference is it to you what her actions are?

I often had the same feelings as you about some bad moment spoiling a holiday or a special event in our R. It's hard not to think it'll always be there. I think what triggers this is our hope that the event will be something special, so it's especially jarring when it's something bad.

I'm curious why you feel so strongly about her being with someone else before your R? Do you understand your reaction?

[T1000]

I hear you.

I'm curious why you feel so strongly about her being with someone else before your R? Do you understand your reaction?

Jealousy.

I don't know anyone that has the problem that I do with it.

I had a very limited sexual past before meeting my W. I don't think that helps.

[T1000]

I never lived my 20's like I should have due to a real lack of confidence.
I could have been doing whatever I wanted for the last 9 months and maybe this wouldn't have been such a block for me, I probably would be in a different place though.

[azguy]

I understand the anger over the affair. But to compare it to relationships she had before you two were together suggests there is more. I think you have a handle on it. If you were more confident, old relationships, I think, wouldn't bother you as much.

Think of it this way, she strayed, and now she's interested in coming back to you. There must be something there she finds pretty damn attractive to have to swallow her pride and want to return. And that's after she thought she would find something better elsewhere. She screwed up but you can be confident that she see you as worth having a relationship with.

And presumably the work you've been doing on yourself had already convinced you of that, independent of what she thinks.

[T1000]

I appreciate your input azguy.

The work I have done on myself has convinced me of that. I wish I was who I am now when i was younger. I'm not 'there' yet but I become better all the time.

I sent her this, it's pretty much what you said. I thought it's better than nothing and it's better than the stuff I feel like saying right now.

Text:
Hi,
I want to thank you for being honest with me yesterday.
Im trying deal with my reaction and I would like some time to think, time to get my head straight.
End of text

[Papa4Life]

I agree with azguy, T1000. She went out and tested the waters and discovered that maybe she already had what she wanted before she left.

And do you think it might be possible that she also questioned what she missed out on by not, as you put it, having "lived her life like she should have"?

Look, sexual jealousy is part of human nature. It's why we invented the institution of marriage: the promise that we would remain faithful to our spouse. So while I can understand how you're feeling, I would urge you to consider that this is not something she did TO YOU. Maybe she really needed to feel that freedom and explore her possibilities. Being able to do that seems to have opened her eyes to the fact that she wasn't trapped in your M, but that she could choose for herself what she wanted, and it seems like she realizes that what she wanted all along was you. It doesn't make any of us less of a man if our Ws decide to experiment when they're in this sitch. It's no fun, to be sure, but it's part of detaching at this time.

I don't know if this helps, and I apologize if you feel like I'm taking her side or scolding you. That's NOT my intention. I just want to let you know that, as I see it, you don't have to take this as some kind of blow to your pride. On the contrary, as even your wife seems to be coming to realize, you are the prize and (as she knows from being given the freedom to figure out for herself) others are mere pretenders to the throne. So don't let the male ego cloud the fact that nyou're making progress and you have a real chance of restoring your M.

[T1000]

This was her reply:

Text:
That is fine but I've also realised something myself from your reaction. I don't think you have taken us splitting up seriously if you think that I wouldn't have moved on with my life. It really does make me wonder what you have been thinking all this time! I have not been your wife for 10months now and you think I have. I have grieved over our relationship and it feels like you have just paused our relationship. Which then makes me feel that you have never taken our break up serious. I've woke up this morning very confused.
End of text.

[T1000]

This is how I'm thinking of responding:

I can assure you I took the separation very seriously.
I was very upset when you left. I decided if it could be saved it was worth saving. I wanted to keep our family together.
I didn't view it as the end of our relationship. Every time we interacted, went on vacation, slept with each other and had fun with the kids during our separation it gave me hope that it wasn't the end.