Thanks for stopping by, B. I guess I should be thankful for the silence instead of the drama at your end. Glad to hear everything is settled down.
No contact from xSO. Tonight will be three weeks since The Talk.
Yesterday evening, I wanted to send an e-mail, but I held back. I will give it another week or so and reevaluate then. I had hoped that he might contact me, but well nothing is predictable, I guess. Besides, if things are ramping up with the GF again, since her divorce may be finalized soon, it might be best if I do not hear from him.
I have no doubt life is going to be OK and probably more than OK.
Portia, first off Good morning and glad to hear that you are at least trying to do the right things with not contacting him and all. I know it is hard, but believe that it is the right thing to do.
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Besides, if things are ramping up with the GF again, since her divorce may be finalized soon, it might be best if I do not hear from him.
It might be? Why do you question this. I struggled with the no contact as well, but realized it is more than just the right thing. For me, I just keep reminding myself that even if H were to return to me I would not want to be second to any other female in his life. The fact that my H hasn't even put me in the top ten helps me with this. I reflect and see how important we make our spouses/s.o.'s. Don't we want to be important to them too? I do, and the fact that I am not, keeps me at bay so to speak.
Portia, you know you are my girl...so don't take this as me being mean or harsh. When/if the time is right, he will call or contact you. The fact that you have a countdown going on tells me you need more work on detachment. I know it is hard...but what you (and we all) yearn for is not coming right now.
What can you do for you right now??? I think you need a nice vacation somewhere...can you plan a nice vacation to a tropical island (or something more your style)? You really do deserve it if you can plan something.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
You are not being harsh at all. I appreciate and am grateful for all perspectives.
Originally Posted By: BRNR
Portia, first off Good morning and glad to hear that you are at least trying to do the right things with not contacting him and all. I know it is hard, but believe that it is the right thing to do.
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Besides, if things are ramping up with the GF again, since her divorce may be finalized soon, it might be best if I do not hear from him.
It might be? Why do you question this. I struggled with the no contact as well, but realized it is more than just the right thing. For me, I just keep reminding myself that even if H were to return to me I would not want to be second to any other female in his life. The fact that my H hasn't even put me in the top ten helps me with this. I reflect and see how important we make our spouses/s.o.'s. Don't we want to be important to them too? I do, and the fact that I am not, keeps me at bay so to speak.
This ^^ gave me something to think about. Why do I question the NC? Is that the right thing in my situation? There is no one-size-fits-all. In my situation, we are very far apart physically. There are no more financial entanglements nor are there children that keep us in forced daily contact or in forced contact at all. In those situations, at the very least, people have some contact and it can be natural to build more - i.e. staying longer, lingering. Being so far away I think calls for some different stategies to keep the door slightly ajar while I move on with my life. It will take one of us, I think, to maintain some small contacts to leave the door open for the possibility of larger ones because if too much time goes by, making contact at all gets even harder to do - for both of us.
Do I want him as he is right now? NO. But I do have some compassion for his situation even if he has none right now for mine. I am going to be fine, he probably won't be if he continues on this path that he is on. I cannot do anything about his path except to simply remind him, however softly that there are other options.
BTW - I really only thought to send a funny e-mail joke or something like that, nothing personal or heavy.
That is my thinking, anyway. I would love to hear other takes on this.
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When/if the time is right, he will call or contact you. The fact that you have a countdown going on tells me you need more work on detachment.
I hope that he does. And yes, AGREED!! I am not detached as much as I would like. Little by little, but not there yet.
Portia, He will contact you when he's ready. I still urge you not to contact him unless it's absolutely necessary. If you send the funny email, it will look like you are pursuing. He has to miss you and he knows you so well and is very much aware that after a brief period of time, you will contact him. Leave it be for now.
Keep the focus on you and your life. I promise you, he will contact you and act as if nothing has happened. He needs time to digest the last conversation. Patience Grasshopper!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I like your confidence! I don't share it but I like it! But I absolute respect your superior knowledge. This is still so bizarre to me even nine months later.
Thank you reminding me that none of this is normal and for reminding me to keep my distance. I can't promise that I won't be asking again - kind of like when I was a kid are we there yet? Are we there yet?
Maybe MizJ's husband can give us some odds on when or if he will be in touch?
I am trying to find my peace with this. It will come.
I know it is hard...waiting....wanting....yearning. I often find myself wanting something positive to show itself too! I just keep getting more negatives and you are getting nothing. Frustrating I know.
Find peace girl! I find that I gain another piece to my Peace puzzle everyday. It will take time.
What are you doing this weekend in the GAL department?
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Portia, I’ve just caught up on your sitch, and find lots of similarities between your SO and my H. I also have very little contact and long distance situation, and it’s been almost 10 months now. He also said that he wants to be friends, that he loves me and doesn’t want completely loose me. And he attempted to have an affair with somebody who was not even close comparable to me, except she is a lot younger. But, I would call it affair down.
There were times when I didn’t hear from my H for 3 weeks and more. And then he would find some silly matter to send me an e-mail. I agree with snodderly and the rest here that you should give it more time.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I saw the odds comment on my thread and it made me laugh
I'm sure you have already thought what I'm about to say.... but here goes anyway.
Do you feel that if you make contact with XSO that its going to make a difference?
Do you feel withholding contact is going to be the deal breaker for the two of you? In that, "if only" you had contacted him there would be a reunion.
Doesn't this put a reunion entirely upon you, upon YOUR actions? What kind of a reunion would that be?
I know that in my sitch, different from yours in some key ways, I am currently dealing with the "physical" estrangement. Ahem But I am NOT mentioning this, or making a move on H because "by the powers above", if there is to be ANYTHING changed, its going to be because H makes the effort.
And you deserve a SO that "makes the effort".
And if he doesn't make the effort?
That's very sad
But IDK if its as sad as a one-sided R...
And I totally get the "sharing with strangers" notion. I feel the same way. In person, I tend to be fairly reticent. Certainly NOT the one to talk about X, Y and Z. But, I am very glad to have found this board, and these wonderful people (yourself very much included) to share the underside of this "rock". Perhaps this is part of the silver lining?
Take care of you. I think routines can be very soothing, order in the chaos. In a way, they are "freeing".
Cheers!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I know it is hard...waiting....wanting....yearning. I often find myself wanting something positive to show itself too! I just keep getting more negatives and you are getting nothing. Frustrating I know.
Hey B,
Thanks for stopping by. Your support means much! This process is frustrating and disheartening.
There were times when I didn’t hear from my H for 3 weeks and more. And then he would find some silly matter to send me an e-mail. I agree with snodderly and the rest here that you should give it more time.
Thanks for stopping by, Bright. I know you are in a tough spot as well. Nothing so far and soon it will be a month. But I am trying to find some peace in the silence.
But I am NOT mentioning this, or making a move on H because "by the powers above", if there is to be ANYTHING changed, its going to be because H makes the effort.