Thanks so much for all of your support and kind words. It was comforting to me to wake up this morning and read all of your posts.
Last night was tough for me, I had some quiet tears alone at bedtime. Tears for what was, tears for what I wish to be.
Snodderly, I have read the TMAK reconnection thread - many times! I am finding it is more difficult to deal with when it is reality versus a hypothetical situation. It does make me feel good to think that maybe, just maybe, he is really making his way through. Slowly, but surely.
Maybe rH and I can head to the hardware store to get a group discount on patience shovels lol!
rH, I understand what you mean. He is doing what he is capable of doing at this point.
And I really loved what you said about building up happy days in his memory bank. I guess sometimes I feel like he just stumbles along each day, with no real memory of anything to do with his family. Maybe he does remember our happy times together...
And your 40 lbs. comment had me laughing out loud!
UW ~ I know you understand exactly what I'm going through and feeling. It does help to know that people out there get me, get my situation.
I think I have my guard up too because he was normal/nice last weekend, then the switch flipped, and he was miserable when he came home Monday. He was then pretty moody and miserable for the rest of the week - till Saturday morning - then the switch was flipped back.
I saw a reconnection to our home first (being home more, no coming in at 3:00 am every weekend, doing chores around the house), and then our children. This has taken 15 months post bomb. Not sure how long before that he started to disconnect (I'm guessing around a year).
Sometimes I get so caught up in the day to day stuff, I lose sight of the big picture. There has been change and progress.
Hey Gal! I was very reflective around the year mark too, I think because I set that as my original personal goal to make it to. It was bittersweet for me... I was proud that I hung in there, that I made it a whole year. But I was saddened by my H's continued alien behavior (no doubt magnified by the holiday season!)
I remember very clearly when I joined the boards. I was having many sleepless, crying filled nights. I felt so lost and alone. But that all changed
Thanks for always encouraging me, not to mention providing a laugh or two along the way!
WH ~ I feel for you, sometimes I get mad at your H and I've never even met him! I always believed that if a M fell apart and two people just couldn't work it out, at the very least they should love the children they created together and be the best parent they could be. But MLC is a whole different ballgame in so many ways.
My H has said numerous times since the bomb that he thinks he's a bad father, so I think that on some level he knew he was different and disconnected from them too. He told me he always feels bad after he snaps at them or loses his temper.
It has been very, very difficult at times to step back and let him figure out his R with the boys - but it seems to be working.
I really hope one day your H will see how precious your children are, and have a genuine, loving R with them.
And M-Man, thanks for stopping by. You have been doing a great job DBing, keep up the good work!
Onto today....
So H comes up to bed around 5:00 am. Asks me to scratch his back and put lotion on it, said the itching was unbearable. Also asked me to put lotion on/rub his hand because it gets so sore from constantly itching. Then, I know you will all love this part, he says his stomach has been really dry, could I put some lotion on it?
So there I am, 5:00 am, H laying in bed with me in his underwear as I rub lotion on his stomach. Interesting to say the least! (And I'm pretty sure that would not be on the OW's approved activity list for H! Lol!)
Part of me does it because I feel it is a way for us to connect physically since there is no physical affection/sex between us. I also truly do have compassion for all his itchiness - that is legit. (Not sure about the stomach though lol!)
He was good again today. For as nice as the weather was yesterday, it was cold and rainy today. We both did a lot of cleaning and organizing around the house.
Out of the blue this evening, he volunteered to go get us some ice cream. The first thing I think of is "Guess OW needs him to call!" I hope she is riding his a$$ about everything and anything. That's who she is - that's how she has always been with her H since I've known her.
That grass once thought to be so green continues to wilt away...
Sorry for being a big windbag tonight!
Have a good evening everybody
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
