Random question. Does your (or others) signature have more than 200 words? I want to put more stuff in my sig but this is the max.
You've just got to cut as much as possible until it just gets across what you need to say.
This is yours from 200 down to 158:
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
What do you want to say to her about your thoughts on the future?
Good job you asked, I have no idea.
Maybe something like I am willing to do what is necessary to rebuild our relationship into a strong healthy one. Not sure what to ask about her dating. I feel like I need to know, it will eat at me otherwise.
Originally Posted By: azguy
And squirrels can be skittish. Not a big deal if this causes a small retreat.
I was thinking about this yesterday. Hope for the best but at least be ready for a small backslide but don't project it.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Went W house to drop kids off. Helped her build some of the furniture she had just got. Asked me if I had eaten and I said no. She said she would make us something after the kids were in bed. After we had eaten I mentioned that if she wanted to talk about her thoughts of the future I would like to hear more.
She said that it will be hard for me to hear and she feels like a bit stupid. She said she had been dating one guy. He was at her house and she snapped at him for some reason (she said maybe hormonal) and she realised that she used to do the same thing to me. It got her thinking that even though she left for a reason she now admits that it wasn't all my fault. She said she asked him to leave at that point and that was that. She mentioned other things about me having to travel for work and she doesn't see it as block for her anymore.
She asked me what I thought about that. I said that I do believe that whatever issues we have ourselves we would carry to the next relationship if nothing was done about them. I asked her how far it went with OM, she said what do you mean, I said did you sleep with him. She said yes. I asked if the kids had met him and she said once while they were out and he happened to be there. I told her I would need time to process what she had just told me. It was obvious I was upset but I didn't start crying. She said that she thought I had given up on her. I said to her that I hadn't given up. I thought about us all the time. When you tell me you don't want me in your life, I give you space, I can't bang on your door all day until you take me back. I start again and hope the we will sort things out. She asked me if I had slept with anyone, I said no, she asked if I had been dating, I said no. She asked if I had tried to and I said no. I asked how many times they had slept together. She said it doesn't matter. I asked her again and she asked why I need to know. I said for me to work out how I feel I need to know certain things, if a question pops into my head and I feel like I need an answer I will ask the question. She said more than once, I asked how much more and she said she didn't know (obviously plenty then). I said I had been hanging on for a long time and always thought that if you slept with someone else I wouldn't be able to get past it. I don't know what to do. I said I needed to go. I went upstairs to say goodnight to S3. When I was getting my shoes on W came to the door. She said she was sorry she hurt me (she was crying). I said I'm gonna go.
Had plenty of time to think on the way home. So angry! Haven't really cried about it yet. Just so angry. Still in denial too I think.
We have been separated for 9 months and not been in each others beds/lives for 2 months.
She text me. I didn't want to reply but I did anyway. I wanted to ignore when she asked what I was thinking but I thought that it might help to let it out and communication wasn't one of our strengths. I feel that her response is quite cold. No doubt what I said pi$$ed her off. She seem to latch on to one sentence about us being separated and then justified herself. I didn't reply because I would have just put her down further and probably got nasty.
Text: 19:59 Wife: I'm sorry for hurting you. Let me know you get home ok. X
21:10 T1000: Home
21:08 Wife: Ok 21:50 Wife: You ok?
21:54 T1000: Yes and no
21:52 Wife: What you thinking about?
22:01 T1000: The fact that our family depends on what I do with this. You and him having sex, the first time you decided to, him in your bed, him at your house, him meeting the kids, I thought you would have dated longer before going that far. Who knows what and how much. Can I get past it. We were separated. I could look back and its just been me and you for 6 years but now there has been someone else.
22:07 Wife: This is true. I've done nothing wrong. As far as I knew we were heading towards a divorce. I cant remain a nun for the whole time we are separated. I'm done with being so alone. I've also realised that this probably isn't something you can live with if we ever got back together. But you need to know that I've put my foot into one side of moving on to another chapter in my life and it will be with or without you. End of text.
I suppose as far as DB is concerned it was a good day. Personally it feels like the worst day of my life.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Very sad to read your message. This is a tough experience. I applaud you on remaining composed but there's no denying that there is a lot of pain now. I'd go dim on your W and try to digest what has happened. It will take weeks. A sentence of Cadet's Welcome message comes to my mind: "Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise." My thoughts are with you.
Just went through a crazy weekend so I havent read your postings before now. It seems like you are making progress and I am very happy for you. Still we both live in land of confusion but confusion also means hope! Hang in there - youre doing fine!
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I am very new to DBing and don't have many answers, but as a WAW who had an affair, I just have to say, don't let this be the reason you give up. When I think about my affair, I feel that it didn't have anything to do with my husband but with me and how alone I felt. It is not an excuse, I just want you to understand that she may have been so wrapped up in her emotions that she couldn't process yours, too. You know from the books that you can get past this if you choose, too. I know you need time to process it but it seems like your wife is putting herself out there and wants to works this out so don't lose sight of that.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Do not let this derail the progress you have made.
Is it hard to get past the sex part? Yeah. It is. I know first hand. It really feels like kick in your nether regions. It can be crushing.
Take the hit. Take a breath. Get angry... alone. Your W does not need to see your anger.
She also does not seem to need punished for what she did. It appears as though she feels pretty bad about it on her own.
However, you can use this as a show of your strength that you have. You can tell your W that it really upsets you but you want to leave it in the past... along with everything else.
Your wife had an epiphany here. The colossal "AHA!" moment! It snapped her back to some sort of reality. You can nurture this. Not by manipulation but with love and understanding.
You and your W have a future. If she wasn't willing to have some sort of closure to her past, she would have kept it to herself. She was open and honest with you. Take this as a very positive step. She trusted you enough to tell you and not lie about it.
Imagine, if you will, that she had lied and kept that to herself. You would have had your fears placated. Then think how you would have felt if you and your W are in the future and you found out she had been less that truthful. Imagine how much more pain and anger you would have then.
I am not saying it was okay. I am not saying I approve. However, I know that we can not look at everything in black and white terms and need to look at things in shades of grey (and NOT that cheesy BS novel not based on reality) and have a different perspective.
My wife had an affair while we were separated the first time and it continued shortly after I came back home. While she was fairly open about it all she denied having sex. Yeah, I knew better. I may be dumb but I am not stupid.
When I found out she lied, I just lost it and we had a huge public blow up. It was ugly. I was ugly. No, I was beyond ugly. Ugly would have been me being nice. I said some ugly and hateful things. I am not sure I will ever be allowed back at that Perkins again...
This is a huge crossroads for you and your W. You know have the opportunity to turn a very negative thing into a very positive thing.
One thing I have learned through my progress is that I need to develop a shorter memory. Not to mention a very selective one. Ignorance is not truly bliss but sometimes it feels like a close second.
On side note... I believe that most men that date married women, whether they be separated or not, are really nothing more than selfish predators and scumbags. They seek women that need to have the woman's feelings validated. They take advantage of the vulnerability of the woman. They feed the woman's needs.
Women have extra-marital sex for different reasons than men. That is why it makes everyone so crazy and react to it so differently. You can not use your personal perspective when dealing with the opposite sex.
Yeah, I have been doing a lot of reading... Part of my 180's. New knowledge... new mind set... new perspective.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
Not a big deal if this causes a small retreat.