Stuck..how do I get out???

[BRNR]

Wow TND-So many things I hear you on and ring true in my sitch

It is so odd bc my H never wanted to be like his parents and here we are...same journey that his parents took

Its got to end with us or her eventually and I starting to pray it is just with us.

I won't compete with the OW. She can have him. What is wrong with a woman who dates a man that has a wife and living with another family?

It doesn't take much to shake things up and set me back.

But you DO seem to be doing a lot better and you seem a lot stronger. Maybe this is because your H lives with you and you have to DB while in the thick of the madness. Keep going forward girl. I wish I was as strong and level as you are. {{{HUGS}}}

[tiredndrained]

Thanks so much BRNR...I really don't feel that way but I guess I am doing better. I am really trying not to get sucked into my H craziness. I see my older S really struggling. Between being an adolescent now and the probs at home I feel sorry for him and he is really acting out. That is the main reason I tried to be stronger. He made a comment once to me that seeing me sad all the time was upsetting him a lot. I am working on being stronger for them...and I guess also for me to try and get past all this. I'm sure you are just as strong as me...believe me, I am not the benchmark for strength. I feel weak most days. I feel like a fool for sticking with this when it is clearly going nowhere. I know it would be hard to see this, but I think I would actually be better if he weren't here. When you are home together seeing the H run around all the time right in front of your face is so painful. Believe me, I think you are much better off with the H out of the home. Grass is always greener....

[BRNR]

I feel weak most days. I feel like a fool for sticking with this when it is clearly going nowhere. I know it would be hard to see this, but I think I would actually be better if he weren't here. When you are home together seeing the H run around all the time right in front of your face is so painful.

Honestly, I get this, and can empathize why you feel this way and the pain. I feel the same way. H being at home or not. The thoughts of it and the actions and words that are said when I do speak to my H are still clear that all the same things are going on. IDK. I guess it still is painful is what I am saying.

Between being an adolescent now and the probs at home I feel sorry for him and he is really acting out. That is the main reason I tried to be stronger. He made a comment once to me that seeing me sad all the time was upsetting him a lot. I am working on being stronger for them...and I guess also for me to try and get past all this.

This is why you are strong. I saw how painful it was for my kids in the beginning and now that I keep myself more composed, I see how much more settled they are. This is a definition of strength if you ask me.

Believe me, I think you are much better off with the H out of the home. Grass is always greener....

Maybe. IDK. Dealing with him yes. For him to see the things he is missing out on with his children and even me, NO. I really do believe my H is long, long, gone in that way...so take what you will.

[tiredndrained]

I guess there is no perfect sitch w the mess we are both in. They are not involved regardless. They are both disengaged from the kids. I hope my kids one day realize i did everything i could one day n see it was just their dad. My h been buying them all kinds of crazy gifts lately. The other day he bought them both pocket knives. They are not scouts. We don't camp. As i found my 8 yr old juggling w it n threatening his brother w it...really...knives?? U couldn't have just spent time w them like other dads?

[willbwell]

Same here, limboland, crazyville! Hate it for the kids. My 16yr old needs his dad involved. What a message it sends. i'm still denying even though H has moved out and taken off his ring. trying to detach. My kids know I love them and am there for them always. I take care of myself but I don't put myself first before my kids. Can't change the H, but wish he would see his impact on the kids.

[Papa4Life]

Hi TnD, our sitches are pretty similar, only the roles are reversed. My W and I still live together in SBRs too, and W spends as much time out of the house as she can. Doing her thing, I guess. I feel bad for the kids because they've been acting out as well. Especially with W. I think they're trying to get her attention, because even when she's home, she's not really "available", if you know what I mean.

As for dads who walk away from their kids...well... IDK your H, but I don't have much respect for them as a group (hence my user name). But, speaking from experience, your boys will one day understand how hard you worked and how much you sacrificed to provide for them. But it's good to encourage your H to participate in their lives because not having a dad will leave a hole in their lives that will be hard to fill.

Stay strong and don't give up.

[albamarie]

My C pointed out yesterday why would he go?? It is so comfortable for him. Then I pointed out, it may be comfortable but he was the one that was so miserable and unhappy and thought I was not giving him attention, remember? He was the one who couldn't live with his family any more. So , now is is suddenly so comfortable and familiar that he can't go? Makes no sense.

Word for word this is what my H said to me! But, he's the kicker, he still believes he's free to come and go, who's going to stop him? He said he is not staying for the family, or me, he stays because he can, and he likes the perks of home, but it's for him! If I really want him out I will have to take a stand, change the locks, push him, basically do my dirty work!

We are void of emotion in our home too. Stinks. Starting to feel almost robotic. I won't compete with the OW. She can have him. What is wrong with a woman who dates a man that has a wife and living with another family?

We are also robots w/some sense of politeness at times, my S21 will not even speak to his dad, the others just laugh! S21 was the closest to h, looks like him and works w/him, today he told client he will not work on same stage w/h.

If H's left to be with the skanks of choice, they would fail and have to face to much, so as long as they can live in the comfort of home and visit skanks, skank life looks great, we look like the angry LBS who gives him justification for what he's doing. Like my H said, w/ea he's not a H, not a F, not paying her bills, not needed to mow the lawn.

[nero]

hey hi-

so alike it's icky - isn't it? our mlc sitch's. soooooo "text book" our h's actions & reactions.

we're robots here too. i miss having a life where i could be free & myself with everyone. my h cannot be himself - ow is there between us ALWAYS like a giant wall. like yours - if he thinks it's not- he's crazy. he cannot see tho that he is not able to be who he was. he thinks it's all "as usual" i guess. talk about deluding oneself? i did it with him - trusting thru the lies & wierdness. now he's doing it to himself.

Its a relationship built on lies and mistrust and sneaking around. How can that end good?

honestly- i scratch my head. all i can figure is they need a "boost" and this illicit affair gives it. what it means? anyone's guess. my h- if i'm honest - if i deliver ultimatum i'd say he'll choose her rite now- tra la off and just plug her into my life instead of me. (like buying a new car or microwave) shabby outlook- I have no confidence that alllll those good years and good times mean a damn thing stacked up against his "fun" quotient with her rite now. p.u.

interesting you'd pick for it to end with you instead of her. doyou feel you can never ever forget or forgive? i wonder about myself. i used to think i could love him again- i'm not sure. i don't think i do now- i don't even like the person he is now- putting tht on a back burner to consider another day, month, year....

still trying i guess - see me here? you too? isn't it amazing we can even do this and keep on trying??? i'm with you- i do okay when things are calm- this poor forum sees my insane side & neurotic me.

oh man- just wrote a rantie post- accidentally sent it and didn't know- tried to hone it down, began cutting things out and accidentally sent that- TWO - INSANE looking posts- this forum world will think i'm such a doofis.

anyway- talk about embarassing myself and being "set back?" queen of set back here.

onward and upward. his flight arrives at noon or so- kind of dread it- fingers crossed.

xxo will be back when can be- hang on- i sure commiserate and share your feelings about all of the above.

xxo (( ))

[mizjjd]

Hey TnD!

Thought I'd stop by to say howdy.

Howdy

You aren't a fool you know.

Marriage can be a tough tough job. But you obviously aren't the type of person to bail when the going gets tough. That means something TnD, it means you have integrity and honor and gumption.

You are showing your kids what commitment and love and family are really about. You, TnD, are someone who can be counted on

Cheers!!

[tiredndrained]

Willbwell...we are all in the same boat. It is hard when the H doesn't see the impact on the children. I feel like my kids will be messed up forever because of this and he just has no concept of his actions and how it affects them.

Papa4life...I hope you are right that one day they will know the sacrifices I made and can see it that way. Today my son asked me why I can't get a better job so if my H goes we can just stay where we are. I tried to explain to him that no matter how good teh job I just cant afford things on one salary. He blames me right now for the sitch even though I had nothing to do with it. I often question whether I am doing the right thing by not doing anything with the H as far as leaving.

Mizjjd...thanks always for the vote of confidence. I really appreciate it. I am actually doing better...aside from a bad day last week. H home a lot now and when he goes out he seems to be more forethcoming about what he is doing. I often question whether or not I am Ok with this because he still has never once explained the past few years and his prior actions etc. Maybe sitting and waiting for him to come around is still not the correct thing to do. We had an arguement the other day. He did not do anything to provoke it. I just got upset. Upset about the past year and all the things he has done and for the most part still continues to do. Such as leaving, etc. I asked him why he won't just leave..he never gives an answer. He just stared at me like a deer in the headlights. Its weird how I feel suddenly empowered and I think he gets that I really am detached and don't care anymore. Maybe that is what started the change in him. He sees what he is losing...don't know. Not sure but I can't sit in limboland forever. For a guy who spent a year with an OW telling me how unhappy he was and how angry he was at me and how much he hated me, he certainly makes no effort to leave. If I was that miserable I would be running out the door. Anyway, I am working today. He had to take S to soccer. I can see the disappointment in his face that he had to do that. He hasn't been to one game this year...he asked me if I could find my S a ride. I told him no, you need to take him. I feel bad for my kids. Even if he coming around a little, he still is no father of the year. At this point, I don't think he ever will be. So, I sit in limboland and wait....and wait...and wait...for what I don't know.