Cadet, thanks for the welcome back and the reminder about depression. Also, I will go through the resource links again. It's been awhile and I need a refresher.
AJM, thanks for confirmation re processing and grieving. I thought I was beyond the need to understand it all.
All the spew is crazy making. I've never been quick on my feet, so when statements are hurled at me I need time to think before I respond. I have needed to completely block my STBX from contacting me so I don't get sucked back in. I realize that I can't defend myself with him. He's right and that's it. The whole "you're a wonderful person" but "this is all your fault" cycle is exhausting.
NLW, you're right about our switches being similar. My STBX hasn't turned over any financials and, like you, I was told it would be very expensive to subpoena them. It's very frustrating. The legal bills are mounting due to all of the game playing. We could have settled this a year ago. I'm asking for exactly the same things, my kids and my home. I have been willing to waive my rights to a lot just to get this done. All I want is to be able to tuck my kids in at night and reassure them that we don't have to move. They ask me constantly about that. The best I can say is I'm working on it, but no matter what we will be fine.
I absolutely agree with understanding over forgiving in the midst of the storm. I believe that's why I was able to process my anger and resentment and then let it go. I do have a tremendous amount of compassion for my STBX. When I stray from those feelings I think of the little boy who was so badly neglected and my heart breaks. That's the only way I can deal with the adult H who s such a monster.
Something else that has really helped me understand all of the spew and legal maneuvers is knowing that it's all anger, but the underlying emotions are hurt and fear. My STBX was never able to express his feelings as a child, so he has stuffed them way down. My anger toward him was coming from the same place. A book I read on the subject was one of the most valuable in helping me get down to the basics of this whole situation.
