Thanks KD and FY, you are OF COURSE, correct. Part of what got us here was that my wife no longer confided in me, and instead began to in a couple close friends. I am 100% that this was due to me not listening well and judging her comments/problem solving. I feel over the past couple weeks that she is finally starting to change that, I don't want it to shut off.
In fact, my dream would be she comes home tomorrow and talks about it to me at length (no naked guy pun intended) and I just listen. There is more here than meets the eye, and if she would open up, at least I would feel like we are reconnecting, which is more important than anything else right now.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
BTW, some of what you read in my 1 AM statement was fear. She went to the restaraunt last night that tat-boy was one of the founders of. She had told me about the place but never mentioned how she found out about it ("I read about it online", which is technically accurate). But all week she said she couldn't get in there so I was relieved they were going somewhere else. Well, last night mutually VERY close friends of ours since we were all dating, who live in our hometown, invited me over for dinner. The W knows what is going on with us and knew I was home alone. She is on FB with my W and my W posted a pic of her and her D friend that she is staying with, from tat-boy's restaraunt. My heart sank. But after I got home, my W started texting me (loaded, for sure), and telling me about the night, including the restaraunt she went to. Clearly she was having fun, and they may not have even seen him, but last night was very tough and this morning is not too great either. Today will be great, today will be great, today will be great...
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
i loved your "by the authority vested in me"... you cracked me up. it's getting harder and harder in life to find people with a sense of humour. ever notice ?
anyway- you're right also. i "accidently" received salvation in a conversation where my H just casually threw in (i guess he thought to make me feel good) the information that he and ow had a "flirtation" many many years ago - and he "picked me" (and she moved out of town w/her family) . couldja die???.
if not for that dopey little comment (which he never should have told me) (how nuts is this guy???) - i'd have accepted pretty much total blame for this all. we do, don't we?
as it is - i'll take half thanks- well, maybe i'll take about 20% becasue i'm human and not perfect. Pretty darn nice, etc.- but sadly - not perfect.
anyway- my biggest flaw is believing his lies about the person he is and being deluded about his character & integrity (apparently) for 37 years or so.
now, if i could only figure out if i was right back in the beginning that this is mlc - or something else totally.
it's been sooooooo long and soooooo bad- i don't have the "juice" to care this morning anymore. oh well.... getting my pma on and heading out to face the day..
thanks for words of wisdom- we all need to hear it daily -
Must say you worry me a bit, I'd turn up your detachment dial for you if I could.
But I guess its still early on for you this time around, so things are still fresh and raw.
You are looking for your wife to "open up"... if she's in MLC, that is
A. Not likely to happen B. Not likely to help because I. It will only reveal what she feels atm II. Be based largely on her personal rewrite of history C. Very likely to hurt YOU like hell
Be very careful of what you ask for Charlie - this is just from my experience.
It seems that your good day vs. bad day depends on how you perceive your W's connection to the OM. I can't tell you how much I really truly understand this. IDK if you've read my history but H's infidelity is EXTREMELY painful to me. I tell you this so you'll know that I'm speaking from the heart, one nearly-LBS to another. You HAVE to let the OM obsession go.
I get the "need to know". Its understandable, but not healthy and not productive.You know "enough" as is. You know your wife has a R that is outside of the bounds of your marriage. To what extent, to what degree, is really immaterial.
Life will be so much more bearable if you can detach - especially in this area.
And, last of the lecture lol, get a prescription for patience. If this is MLC then your journey is just beginning.
Take care
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Thanks for the lecture, you are right, I need it! I know intellectually that I need to detach, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. Plus, in my case, part of what got us to her MLC was essentially that I was detached and married to an extremely stressful work situation. So, she because lonely and the walls were up when things got better at work. So, I don't know exactly what to do every day, but I do know you are all correct that I need to let tat-boy go.
Taking my kids to church now. I will pray for all of you, you have been such a blessing in my time of need.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
It's ok that you don't know exactly what to do every day. None of us do.
You are very early in the MLC process. Dealing with a MLC spouse is tough stuff even for those with some time under their belt. The mere fact that you are here seeking guidance tells me that you are doing the absolute best that you can for your W and M. Accept this and be proud of yourself!
The trick, I think, is to decide to be happy with your new reality. Then make it so.
Choose your course, and then stay on it.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks FY. I actually had a pretty good day and these days, I will take that. I was uber-busy all day. Started by cooking the kids breakfast, then church, then soccer game. After, dropped bikes off to be tuned, took out our outdoor furniture, cleaned garage, cleaned my W's car (which I am using because she took mine to XYZ city), grocery shopped, vacuumed the house, did the laundry, and more. I am super tired. Throughout the day, got a few and responded to a few texts from W. She even called me around noon to fill me in her brunch (with very good friend of mine and his W). So, I am going to sleep well tonight and be excited to spend time with W when she gets home tomorrow night hearing about the weekend.
The only real negative is she is telling all our friends she wants us to move there and is non-stop with me about houses for sale that she is finding, even telling me the neighborhood she wants. This is all crazy talk because kids love it here and are well assimilated and I have a great, high-paying job here. She talks like I could snap my fingers and make it happen and I am struggling to not be realistic with her as she talks about this on end. But, hopefully that is part of the fog.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Probably best not to try to rationally explain why a move isn't a good idea.
Listen to your wife. Figure out the "why" she wants to move, because she would feel_____(more secure, have more friends, get a fresh start...)
Ask, "It sounds like living there would make you feel _____?" And just tell her its something to think about for the both of you... Tell her your glad she had such a great time.
And then wait for the next installment of The Crazy Gazette
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Great advice Miz. When she comes home tonight, I will focus on active listening to the details of her weekend. And as she talks about moving there, intead of discussing whether we can or can't, I will focus on asking her why in more detail.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Today is a big day for us. W is coming home after her long weekend away and I will do my best to make her feel welcome and listened to. Hopefully she is up to reconnecting tonight over a glass of wine, but 0 expectation.
On her way back she will be seeing her OB. During BD, when she was explaining things to me she said that she didn't know what was going on, maybe her hormones were off, and what would I think of her going to see her OB for her annual, but also to do some blood work. I said great, call her right away and she did. She is there right now and I believe that in addition to the blood tests, she is getting a prescription for a low-dose anti-depressant. I know from our therapist (and no shock to all of you) that she has been going through some level of depression last few months. HAve any of you had experience with your MLCer going on these? Neither of us has ever taken them and I am not sure if it is a good thing or bad thing.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
