thanks so much for the kind words. some times i wonder if i'm just a ranting idiot throwing this stuff out there.
i read other people - and i quote it and i say "me too" til the cows come home. i don't know why- it helps to know others feel the same- so i'd say go ahead and do it and make yourself feel better (if it helps). i think it seems to.
i'm soooo shameless (at this point) i'll take any help any confirmation from anywhere.
and i'm not a big ole needy person- it's just that this sitch has bout "killed me". no kidding. would you ever have known what friends went thru with thier divorces or how this felt from tv shows and movies? not me.
i feel embarassed & sorry about every person i've known - who went thru this - and i should have been more more supportive - and i knew it form the outside and never ever ever knew how darn horrible they were feeling inside this kind of a sitch.
did that make sense? anyway- with a few friends i've pretty much given up having any decency and shame and just talk to them about it. a sister went thru it herself- and a couple friends are happily married and cannot imagine.
it's okay- it's kind of "saved me" this forum and those chats. if we were to patch it up (who the he!! knows) i'll just deal with it then. the fallout or residual bad feelings.
this awful thing is about us - sorry, but true. getting thru it any way we can with our brains in tact. YOU'RE sure rite about getting thru it. i didn't think i would when it first happened- no kidding. i've never ever in my life felt soooooo = well, with no ground under my feet.
i hope to never again. i'm not doing everything rite i'm sure. like, probably if/when the giant split comes- i don't think a person can be ready for "it" - well, unless it's me doing the leaving. somehow after allllll these years- i still can't imagine not knowing this guy.
but knowing him now (who is REALLY is) apparently- i'm not sure i'd get to know him this well if i really knew originally. know what i mean- his inside integrity. i don't think there's any there anymore.
it's a big problem- who he is inside- and who he told me he was. and if he thought he was that guy at all. i don't think so any more. what the heck to do with this information and how to use it to make myself "not care" anymore.
oh well- exhausting junk. for this moment he is here innj- up on garage roof nailing on shingles????? i don't know why he still comes here or is in mylfe.
i kind of believe the folks who say he's just a cheating jerk and i should be gone. he clearly IS cheating jerk-
i wonder now, two or so yrs later- if i'm wrong about this being mlc - and he's only a spinless, self-indulgent cheating lowlife??? hard to change a lifetime view of a person.
he is clearly crazy and rewrites history (per mlc outline) and is reliving his youth , and alot of things that fit perfectly with what mwd says about it.
i am probably in last stages of just tiredness from figuring.
i don't think i'm totally detached or i wouldn't be here. rite??? i mean- if we don't care anymore- we wouldn't bother.
i do get self-conscious sometimes because i get in a emotional tailspin adn this stuff pours out. then i feel a bit embarassed by my own inability to conquer ita ll and move on immediately.
i'm sure i'll do it all wrong- and end up surprised and sorry about all the things i didn't do better or sooner or whatever-
that's my down side of taking each day as it comes. no future- no past - no -plan (overall) since can't speak for h, nothin.
well, health, alive, sane(pretty much) some family, some friends, some talents & interests, planted a tomato yesterday
small graces
i'm glad tohear from you- write - rant - it's okay and i wouldn't feel lame if i were you- just blam in there and throw in your two cents- it helps me (us) all to know you know, what we know, etc etc etc.
like holding hands a bit -
thanks for being out there. i'm sorry you are - hang on- you're rite - we can do it - we HAVE TO do it , don't we?
