confusion...

[willbwell]

Journaling...
D went to stay last night at H's apt. She thinks its fun packing up her bag. as they were walking to the car, I thought how sad. There goes another split up family doing wkend visits. The neighbors out enjoying the nice weather thinking oh....what a shame. It is. I think there is so much genuine suffering in the world, unnecessary violence, illness that have no rhyme or reason... and yet 1 person can cause such heartache to a family because of their selfishness. I try to insert empathy here. Family doesn't mean the same to H as it does to me. H doesn't talk to his sisters. But, he is a grown man responsible for his behavior. He sees me as the enemy now. I am in his way in regards to his doing his own thing. I am just the mother of his children. I am the one causing him stress. I think he was brought up to not deal with inner turmoil issues.
However, he has found a GF to talk to. Someone 10 years younger than me. Someone with 2 children from 2 different men. someone who I am sure can give him great advice. Does this make me bitter? sure it does. Do I get a say? NO. That he spends time with her rather than his own children is so disgusting to me.Ok, what happened to me being detached??
My struggle is deciding if I continue to allow myself to be disrespected in this way. I keep a positive spin for the children. D tells H she doesn't want him to live in apt. I don't want him back out of guilt. this r with OW is 1 yr now.
D will say to me, you go to dinner with dad. I respond, well, dad wants to spend time with you and besides I have some work to do at home. in reality, I would like to say... well the fact of the matter is that dad doesn't want to have dinner with me. I feel I constantly cover for H.
H wants it both ways. he wants his life but then he wants to have a little connection with the kids- not too much though...I'm rambling. I'll go read more posts here. It helps..