I would have suggested that you not contact MIL again, specifically around the sitch. Certainly, one could speculate that by talking to her again, you were able to have her agree not to bring it up with your W. Then again, she still may AND, there's nothing to say that without that comm, your MIL would have left it alone, anyhow.
It's kinda like how we go to a "trusted" confident, or how they say with giving a statement to an officer, that what you say can and will be used against you.
Because even if we believe we have the confidence of someone, we can not control what they do with the information that is shared. Especially if they are fixers and think that they will be helping by sharing or using that information to "help".
In the end, the context of your initial comm with MIL was because D9 was having comm with her, because you needed to leave her alone for an hour and a bit. Your MIL, the smart lady she is, figured something was up. So, ultimately, there were some questions that needed answering... either by you... or eventually by your W...
Perhaps better that it was from you...
So, that said, if it ever comes up again with MIL, just listen and indicate that you'd rather not say anything more at this time.
As for the b-day notice from FB. Again, please remember that these are automated emails that are sent from FB to "friends". Your W is receiving that message because she is friends on FB with tat-boy. In the same way that you would get email notifications of Beyonce regarding her b-day and other goings on in her life, if you were her FB friend.
You are very definitely trying to make a statement by doing anything different than what you would normally do with that email. That statement is likely to show up as either anger or at the very least as some sort of invasion of privacy to your W.
Is that what you want? What consequences are you hoping for?
KD, I agree that if it comes up with MIL again, I will defer. She understood and our conversation was less than 5 minutes. I know that in the end, she is my MIL, but she is my W's M. I know which of those trumps the other, even with the best of intentions. It would probably be a best case at this point if W did come clean to MIL, but I am going to leave it alone, most definitely.
Good question on the consequences. I left one thing out...W carries a cloth should bag to work everyday and uses it to keep kid's sports information, camp information, coupons, and other things she may need during the day. She left it home sitting out, and I needed something that I found close to the top. of it. I flipped through to see other things in it, and towards the bottom were two nude pics of tat-boy. These presumably came off his private FB page and they are from mid-March, a week before this all broke (the date is on the bottom). These almost made me puke with the thought that she literally carries these around with her every day. I put them back where they were, but they are haunting me. About an hour later, I got the FB email and even though it is automated, it still hurts. Consequence? Maybe I want W to see how dangerous all this is and that I might know, so that she would open up without me having to ask.
On the other hand, these pics are a month old and she could have forgotten they are there? And, if she didn't connect with the guy now, she probably doesn't.
But, the fact that she took the time to print these and keep them on her is very disturbing and I am struggling with it. It makes me think that she is not really opening up at therapy and all of her positive outcomes in the past couple weeks have been hiding the real fantasy.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Wow, that's really f'd up and weird. No two ways about it, some of our spouses have just lost their breaking minds. It was constantly escalating bizarre behaviors and anticipation of worse that pushed me to filing a few weeks ago. Only way i could really start to detach. Wish it were different, but I just can't deal with this kind of sh#t.
Me42 W41 D10,D15 T25 M23 LYBNILWY 09/12 OEA 08/12(?)-ended? 01/13 Sep 01/13 I file 04/13 1rst D hearing 06/13 Currently in mediation
Yes JBolt, it is f'd up. Part of my issue with therapy in this situation is this 800 lb gorrilla is there and we are not talking about it. And, everyone is advising me to not say anything. And believe me, I understand why. But do I never say anything? If things get better, this affects my trust level, how can I not say anything? Do I just wait for her to bring it up? I am praying and trust that things happen in time, but I am struggling with this big time.
I am probably not going to say anything at this point because the pics are now over a month old, but as you said, it is F'd up!
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
How about if I just pull the naked pictures of tat-boy out of her carry on and put them in a safe place, and don't say anything?
You're joking, right?
Nothing good can come from tampering with those pics. This includes drawing devils horns and pitch forks on them. (which would be funny and momentarily satisfying)
Let it go CB. It's your only hope.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
There's a saying, CB: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
I'm not saying that your W is the enemy, by any means. Still, the saying is appropriate in that, the more you bring attention to things that your W thinks are none of your business, the more you will push her away and she will go more into hiding with her... "affairs"...
The less you meddle, the more you will eventually "know".
The consequences of that may be, you will end up knowing things you do not want to.
Those pics are skeletons in your W's closet. What if your W poked and prodded the private skeletons in YOUR closet?
Keep working on you and work diligently to detach so that things like automated FB messages and naked pics of some guy she's fantasizing about, no longer keep you on your emotional roller coaster.
