M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
WHAT I NEED TO DO: Back off Give tons of space Art of silence Engaged listening Stop trying to control the outcome Don't react poorly Don't try to fix her Validate her Let her find her own solutions Give her time Give her consistency Let go of needing to know why
WHAT I MAY GET: Her to come to me on her own Her to trust me
ALSO: Don't lose hope Don't think it will be a quick fix Have no expectations Recognize the blessings in my life Act as if she is not coming back Constantly fine tune based on current realities
REMEMBER: NO pressure about OP Maintain emotional control
Jp, my approach was different. I learned about the OW and I almost broke. But the really cool thing was, I didn't. There was a very small thin steel core to me that bent but did not break.
When I rose, I truly understood a few things:
I cannot make any one else's choices but my own That H having a GF was not a deal breaker for me That people come into lives for a reason.
H left and found a GF so fast your head would spin. But like your wife, he needed it and like everyone says, it was a way to avoid dealing with all the emotions leaving brought for him.
He loved her, wanted a serious relationship, so i Iet him go. Four weeks later that relationship was over. I gave him basically my blessing because above all I wanted him to be happy.
But guess what? When you don't figure out what happened in the first relationship, you sure as heck are going to repeat the behaviours in the second.
So what I am saying is you made your choice to lay down an ultimatum and she will make hers. But the need for support from OM will continue until she realizes that you can be strong, you can carry on and she can lean on you if she had to, because she sees the kids being able to take their strength from you.
You're going to have to pick yourself up now. Ultimatums given in a kind loving way describing a boundary for you is attractive and masculine. Giving an ultimatum and then apologizing for making her choose is not.
jp, ct, I am reading your posts and apply it to my same sit. I so want to give H a "wakeup" call. Know I shouldn't.So very hard! Came here to get reminders. Thanks UR for those reminders. JP, everyday strength.I keep reminding myself there will be some good that comes out.you are not alone.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
"You're going to have to pick yourself up now. Ultimatums given in a kind loving way describing a boundary for you is attractive and masculine. Giving an ultimatum and then apologizing for making her choose is not."
Love this, Inside ^^^^^.
The most important things about a boundary are - that the intent is not to punish or shame the other person, that it is set as a way to protect you and that once it is set, it needs to be followed through on.
So, you said you cannot work on the marriage with her while she is with OM. That means, no sleeping together, no conversations about your relationship, right?
You live JP. Get your self healthy and strong. Your W is gonna do what she wants to do, no matter what you say. Let go and let her figure herself out. JP, you have more important things to worry about and that my friend is YOU!!! The road you are traveling down is a road of destruction, choose a different path, a healthy path, work on you. This completely suxx and we all have been where you are and we all had to make a decision to either live or crash and burn.
List some goals that you would like to achieve: relationship and personal. And start working toward the goals listed. Do you want to hike the Appalachian Trail, bench press 300lbs, run a marathon, come on JP start living and growing.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Finally getting to where I see that no matter what I have to focus on me, yet I continue to keep falling into a state of self loathing, just not caring or feeling like I have the energy to move. I just want to sleep. Yes I am taking AD meds and have to give them time to kick in and then readjust and so on... I get on a high to where I feel on top of this that I can do it and have the mental focus and energy, then I fall and go into a deep blah. I have an appointment with my therapist this am and was trying to figure out what to talk about today... I guess my highs and lows is as good of a place to start as any. I wish I didn't have to take meds, I feel like they help, yet hinder me, idk how to explain it, but know if I am not on an AD my anxiety/agitation soars. So here I am tired, no energy, no nothing. Mind over mind? I have tried to snap myself out of it, tried to say your wallowing in self pity, just man up and get going... Something keeps pulling me down. Anyway... Thanks for all the support.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
here for ya jp... keep on keeping on (its all we can do).
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
