A New Me 2

[jp787]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2342097&page=1

I gave her an ultimatum in saying what I said and she stated that.
She said:
His friendship or my need for it right now feels like a security blanket. Like the only thing keeping me safe from everything else. I know that sounds like an emotional attachment as I guess it is but not for the same reasons u think that they are. I am so freaking afraid to let go because I am terrified of everything around me. The little tiny tip of that security blanket is all I feel I have. Everything else hurts, but you need to do what is best for you.
Then later:
I do wish u could see that OM friendship as anything more than an object, a tool, a support to me. Only a small part of the four legged table. I am missing three legs already, if I "give up" his friendship it would b giving up that only for you and my table would fall. I dont have anything else to stand with yet as that is what I am trying to rebuild, redo, retrust, remove fears, etc. I dont expect u 2 totally understand as you you gave up your object.
If all of this just an affair that I had and not so much other crap I think I could truly say... JP your right and I need to let go of the need for that friendship to keep my marriage. But the situation to me, is so much more than that, Maybe I am being stupid or bull headed or ignorant about it.

She said I guess we are at a stand off.

I said I really don't know. I said I wish you would take to your therapist about what all you told me and where I stand and see what she says. That I wished she would Google what an EA was and what is said about remaining friends.

She thanks for the info and advice, I guess I have a decision to make.
I said eventually yes.
She said sounds and feels like sooner than later.
I said a decision to make when you are ready to decide.
She said I will hurry Jp.
Me: ?
Me: nvm forget it I am losing you, I am forcing you to make a choice.

W: ur fighting for what you want, trying to 2 make me see my wrongs.
M: and then you will resent me for it.

That is it.

I feel like a lost cause.

I know some if not all of you are getting tired of my crap.

Thanks for listening.

Then:

[cbtdad]

JP,
You are not a lost cause!! You are going with your emotions and that is very hard to go against. I think you have taken a lot more step forward so a couple back isn't going to kill what you want.
Based on that exchange, I think if you give her a space and not an ultimatum you could have a chance. That is for you to decide though. Giving her the soar will give you the time to work on you. That's what's most important.
You know my sitch. And I am not going to tell my W when she returns from horse show to either stop talking to OM or I'm not being your friend or anything else. That would be an ultimatum. I'm simply have started to go dim and treat her like a neighbor. In the meantime I will work on me because that's where te focus will be.
I've truly come to the decision that the reason I don't know whether I want my W or not is because I don't know me right now.
JP, this is about you and you have the power. You know that. It's a tough battle, but you can come out winning the war and being the best person you can be.
Think about that, think about what that looks like. Does it include your W in the picture? When I think about the best me, the person my W is right now does not fit in that picture at all. And even though that's hurts to say, it is real when I think about it

[jp787]

The ultimatum has been said, I can't take it back.

[cbtdad]

You don't have to bring it up again. You said you wanted an answer eventually.
DON'T bring it up and don't ask for one.

[JBolt]

This all sounds incredibly familiar JP. I heard from the OM's W that my STBXW even got very angry and argued the same kind of stuff when his wife told her back in Jan. to BTFO and not contact him again. Something about how OM was helping my W deal with her new emotions and keeping her sane. Not hardly. That security blanket your W is talking about is what's likely keeping her from really dealing with her own cr@p. Anyway, I wish you the best. Some people have to lose what they have before they can appreciate it.

[JBolt]

I do wish u could see that OM friendship as anything more than an object, a tool, a support to me. Only a small part of the four legged table. I am missing three legs already, if I "give up" his friendship it would b giving up that only for you and my table would fall. I dont have anything else to stand with yet as that is what I am trying to rebuild, redo, retrust, remove fears, etc.

This is such an important insight in my opinion. She is using the OM likely just like she was using you originally. She has to fall though. Adults shouldn't depend on other adults like this (hint, hint).

It took me a long time to see this in my sitch. It actually took me making the decision to file to see W as the wounded and lost soul that she currently is and possibly always was. While we were still in the 'trial separation', I would slip into this "W is just mad at me and I have to fix it" mode. She is mad at me. Furious in fact, but it's not really about me as such.

I can see now that my W's relationship with OM was a crutch, but then so was ours. It seems to me that I was such a good crutch that she let me keep her from learning to walk and she resents and hates me for it now. Although I wasn't aware of it, I probably had some resentment for being used that way as well. It doesn't change anything, but I can see it now. Hope some of this helps JP.

J.

[jp787]

What do I do

[jp787]

Do I tell her that is what I see her doing, using him as a crutch to avoid dealing with her issues or is that not my place

[cbtdad]

I would not recommend that. Unfortunately you are probably not the person she wants to hear that from.
I know it's so hard when you care about someone and yet you seem like the last person they want help from

[uRworthy]

Ok, sweetie, strap yourself in, you are going to hear from me, New York style. LOL!

J, do not say another word to your wife, please.

You keep trying to fix her, man. You told her to talk to her therapist, to google an ea, then you considered telling her about using om as a crutch. Stop it.

You said what you said. She heard it.

No need to say another word.

Let her sit with all this, J.

She is still seeing you as the same JP.

Become something different, for you.

And that will give you the best hope of something different with her.

Get back on your path. Leave her to hers.

JP, I am not going anywhere. Cuz in Brooklyn, there aint no such thing as quitting.

This is a journey she has to take. She has to. And she has to do it on her own. Because if you interfere with it and she comes back out of guilt or pity, where does that leave you?

Be the person you are meant to be, my friend.

Become the kind of man who allows people to figure out their life on their own. Become the kind of man who is confident and strong.

Be that man each day. Some days you'll make it, some you wont, but, let it be the goal each day.

Leave her to her journey, J. It's hers to take.

And really and truly start yours.