It's been a long time since I last posted. I needed to step away from all of the processing so that I could start living again. However, I have continued to read here from time to time since the wonderful advice applies across the board.
Here's a synopsis of my situation. In 12/11 my STBX left me a letter and walked away. We had been married for 19 years and we have two boys, now 13 and 16. His reasoning and justification has varied and at times is nonsensical. He started with I just want peace and happiness, I need time and distance. Then, you deserve better, I am only going to live for about five more years and you will live 25 or more. Next came ILYBINILWY. That was followed my all kinds of spew including you make rules, but then break them.
At the time my STBX left I had been a SAHM for 15 years. I adored my family and loved my life. I was completely blindsided. As the boys got older we were spending more time alone. We had activities in common and I thought we were very close and enjoyed each others company.
My STBX was 49, his mom and stepfather had both recently passed, our oldest had just started high school. He was concerned about debt, college and retirement. He had also learned the truth about his real father and the relationship with his mother. She told him terrible lies and died without revealing the truth. My STBX had a very abusive childhood, both physically and emotionally. All the triggers were there for a major MLC.
Since BD I've had to face that my STBX is a compulsive gambler. He plays poker and while he seemed to be good at it he is still addicted. I questioned him many times over the years and always got an angry reaction, usually "This is why I don't talk to you about poker. You don't know what you're talking about." I always let it drop. My fear of abandonment was a huge factor.
Looking back, how my STBX felt about me staying home seemed to ebb and flow. I'm sure that was due to winning and losing. He kept a lot of secrets so I had no idea what his financial situation was. I managed our bills with his paycheck so that I had a very good grasp of. The rest was a mystery and had me on tilt much of the time.
Since BD I started working full time. I was extremely lucky to have gotten a good job in the field that I left and have been there a year now. I am raising the boys on my own. My mom has been fighting stage four breast cancer and is likely terminal at this point. She's currently in the hospital. I have been working on me, understanding my part in the failure of my marriage, but also seeing that I took too much of the responsibility in the beginning. I am trying to see friends more and find time for the sports and interests that I used to love. It's difficult though. I have a lot going on that drains me. Somehow the real me shines through each day. I smile, interact warmly with others and generally am very optimistic.
As for my STBX, he quickly jumped on dating sites and within six months was living with a gf. He may have known her longer. I have no idea. He has been extremely secretive. He hasn't changed his address on his driver's license, credit cards, etc. When he left he took one suitcase and never returned for the rest of his belongings including childhood memorabilia or picture of the boys. Eventually I got rid of everything except items that are not replaceable. Those are packed away in the garage.
Currently, my STBX and his gf are trying to buy a house, with her money (a large amount) and his credit. Because I won't sign a quit claim deed until the settlement is done they haven't been successful. He is trying to force a sale of my home. It's amazing that he doesn't care about displacing me and the boys, only about what he wants for himself.
Over the months I have gotten a lot of spew via email which is always followed up days later by offers to give me extra money or he tells me I'm a wonderful person and a great mom. It's been very, very confusing. I finally had to block all of his emails and texts so I could continue to detach. Contact with him has put me in a tailspin at times.
My life is not yet where I want it. There hasn't been a lot of progress on the divorce front. Settlement negotiations are stalled at the moment. It's been very frustrating. Each time we seem to have reached an agreement my STBX changes the terms and it falls apart. I am very confused by this. Now he is wanting the court to terminate our marital status while the rest is decided by settlement or a trial. An added twist, I work for the court including the judge that presided over our settlement conference. So much for keeping my personal and work life separate.
At times I am still confused by how I feel about my STBX. When I saw him in court he looked stressed, drained, depressed and I wasn't attracted to him. He looks different. He has a negative energy about him. He has treated me horribly.
However, it's hard to let go of the dream. I want nothing more than to have an intact, happy family. I want that desperately for the boys. I want it for me. I would rather recover and rebuild from all that has happened rather than start over later with someone new. It seems in possible though. So much damage has been done and there has not been any healthy communication. For months I read everything I could find on MLC, marriage, men, women, depression, gambling, etc. I was spinning with knowledge. When we did talk in the first few months after BD I was kind, loving, validating. In return I was spewed at and stepped on. I was told this was all my fault. I finally had to set boundaries and create distance. I needed time to work on me and create stability for the boys.
I could very much use reminders about why MLCers do what they do. Also, because there is an addiction present I need to understand how this compounds the crisis. I'm not sure why I have a need to process all of this again. Is this part of letting go?
They do what they do because of the depression. Which is a form of mental illness. This means that some act crazy, which unfortunately is what some mentally ill people do.
Re-read up on depression if you want to try to understand it better.
GM, while their addictions may get more enhanced during the MLC, the addictions are not a cause nor effect of the MLC process. A person who is alcoholic may drink more or they may drink less, during MLC.
One thing for certain though, is that M does not include an OP. Until he is single, there can be no M.
You sound like you are doing well enough. Keep yourself distanced and detached. Even though you wish to rebuild, and that is possibly the more difficult road, do keep in mind that in your case, a possible indicator that he is coming out of MLC, might be that he starts trying to reconnect with you.
Otherwise, he could be stuck and remain stuck, as some do. Or, eventually, that he comes out of it, realizes the weight of it all, and simply moves on with his life. You, never the wiser, that he is through his MLC.
How have you tried to work through forgiveness and acceptance?
Hi GM. Good to see you posting. I do believe it is part of the grieving to go back and process again. I know it was for me. I also think that since you have ongoing issues to deal with, that plays a part.
Keep distancing. You don't deserve the spew and you both know it. He just can't seem to function without it. He requires a place to dump that "junk" and you are the target. Distance helps to stop that. It's a boundary.
That sounds a lot like my neighbor a few years back. What a mess he was. At one point I think the FBI was investigating him due to some of his "choices" in business partners. For him, it all fell apart after that. By the time he wanted to come back to his life, it was no longer an option. Seems that's the way things happen for a lot of MLCrs. And as note, some never do hit that "bottom" that we see.
Hang in there, GM. It's not forever like this.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
KD, acceptance is the end of the grief cycle. I seem to between that and sadness. Part of acceptance is allowing the other person to travel their own path without guidance or interference. I have done that for over a year. I also accept that my life is my responsibility. What I don't like, I can change. I continue to work on that. I have also had to accept the illness that is a part of MLC and that I am not responsible for that.
You've been at this long enough to know that forgiveness is part of healing and happens later, once the dust has settled. While I am no longer angry I am not quite to forgiveness. That's not reasonable given that my STBX continues to impact my life through selfish actions. My attorney continues to be amazed by his devious and heartless maneuvers. I know full forgiveness will come with ease once this is over. Saying that I forgive him now is premature and a lie I won't tell myself to feel better.
In the meantime, I will stay true to myself and keep a commitment that I made to always be peaceful and loving or remain silent. That's giving my very best right now and I accept that it is enough.
Cadet, thanks for the welcome back and the reminder about depression. Also, I will go through the resource links again. It's been awhile and I need a refresher.
AJM, thanks for confirmation re processing and grieving. I thought I was beyond the need to understand it all.
All the spew is crazy making. I've never been quick on my feet, so when statements are hurled at me I need time to think before I respond. I have needed to completely block my STBX from contacting me so I don't get sucked back in. I realize that I can't defend myself with him. He's right and that's it. The whole "you're a wonderful person" but "this is all your fault" cycle is exhausting.
NLW, you're right about our switches being similar. My STBX hasn't turned over any financials and, like you, I was told it would be very expensive to subpoena them. It's very frustrating. The legal bills are mounting due to all of the game playing. We could have settled this a year ago. I'm asking for exactly the same things, my kids and my home. I have been willing to waive my rights to a lot just to get this done. All I want is to be able to tuck my kids in at night and reassure them that we don't have to move. They ask me constantly about that. The best I can say is I'm working on it, but no matter what we will be fine.
I absolutely agree with understanding over forgiving in the midst of the storm. I believe that's why I was able to process my anger and resentment and then let it go. I do have a tremendous amount of compassion for my STBX. When I stray from those feelings I think of the little boy who was so badly neglected and my heart breaks. That's the only way I can deal with the adult H who s such a monster.
Something else that has really helped me understand all of the spew and legal maneuvers is knowing that it's all anger, but the underlying emotions are hurt and fear. My STBX was never able to express his feelings as a child, so he has stuffed them way down. My anger toward him was coming from the same place. A book I read on the subject was one of the most valuable in helping me get down to the basics of this whole situation.
You, GM are one amazing lady. I read that and teared up at the way you process and understand and deal with the situation. I wish I had half that amount of grace during my situation.
My hat's off to you and I hope and pray that it's over before much longer. I can tell you that you should listen to your lawyer and don't be quick to acquiesce to the demands to "just get it over". While there is much benefit to doing that, be careful to not let your need to be done outweigh you need to be done in a positive way for you and your kids. I'm sure you're thinking of that, but figured a reminder wouldn't hurt
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My best friend always told me, "You have one shot to get it right." and I never stopped listening and remembering that. Yes, you will want this over with, but make certain you get what you deserve. Of course you'll be "all right," but you deserve better than that. Get everything you deserve! It will at least bring some peace of mind to this miserable situation.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
AJM, thank you so much for being so kind and open. Your words really touched me. It feels good to be acknowledged for who I really am. My STBX doesn't see the true me anymore. That hurts. I'm the same person I've always been, but with more depth, understanding and compassion for others and I'm so grateful for that. I can connect with more people due to my growth. What a gift. My greatest sadness will be that I didn't have the opportunity to use my new skills to make a difference in the outcome of my marriage.
You and GG are right about staying the course with the divorce. Thank you both for that reminder. The outcome is very important and will determine whether I struggle or live comfortably. This battle is wearing me down. I just want my life back. I miss being joyful. I want to focus on my boys. They're growing up so fast. No matter how much time I have with them it will never be enough. I don't want to waste anymore days being in court, crying, feeling frustrated. Sometimes I just feel like what's the point. There are no winners. I just want to be able to rebuild my life and provide stability for me and the boys. I'm puzzled as to why my STBX wants to interfere with that. He is trying to give us as little as possible. He doesn't care where or how we live. He remains focused on his new life. That's all that matters. How do people just stop loving the family they left behind?
