It's been a long time since I last posted. I needed to step away from all of the processing so that I could start living again. However, I have continued to read here from time to time since the wonderful advice applies across the board.
Here's a synopsis of my situation. In 12/11 my STBX left me a letter and walked away. We had been married for 19 years and we have two boys, now 13 and 16. His reasoning and justification has varied and at times is nonsensical. He started with I just want peace and happiness, I need time and distance. Then, you deserve better, I am only going to live for about five more years and you will live 25 or more. Next came ILYBINILWY. That was followed my all kinds of spew including you make rules, but then break them.
At the time my STBX left I had been a SAHM for 15 years. I adored my family and loved my life. I was completely blindsided. As the boys got older we were spending more time alone. We had activities in common and I thought we were very close and enjoyed each others company.
My STBX was 49, his mom and stepfather had both recently passed, our oldest had just started high school. He was concerned about debt, college and retirement. He had also learned the truth about his real father and the relationship with his mother. She told him terrible lies and died without revealing the truth. My STBX had a very abusive childhood, both physically and emotionally. All the triggers were there for a major MLC.
Since BD I've had to face that my STBX is a compulsive gambler. He plays poker and while he seemed to be good at it he is still addicted. I questioned him many times over the years and always got an angry reaction, usually "This is why I don't talk to you about poker. You don't know what you're talking about." I always let it drop. My fear of abandonment was a huge factor.
Looking back, how my STBX felt about me staying home seemed to ebb and flow. I'm sure that was due to winning and losing. He kept a lot of secrets so I had no idea what his financial situation was. I managed our bills with his paycheck so that I had a very good grasp of. The rest was a mystery and had me on tilt much of the time.
Since BD I started working full time. I was extremely lucky to have gotten a good job in the field that I left and have been there a year now. I am raising the boys on my own. My mom has been fighting stage four breast cancer and is likely terminal at this point. She's currently in the hospital. I have been working on me, understanding my part in the failure of my marriage, but also seeing that I took too much of the responsibility in the beginning. I am trying to see friends more and find time for the sports and interests that I used to love. It's difficult though. I have a lot going on that drains me. Somehow the real me shines through each day. I smile, interact warmly with others and generally am very optimistic.
As for my STBX, he quickly jumped on dating sites and within six months was living with a gf. He may have known her longer. I have no idea. He has been extremely secretive. He hasn't changed his address on his driver's license, credit cards, etc. When he left he took one suitcase and never returned for the rest of his belongings including childhood memorabilia or picture of the boys. Eventually I got rid of everything except items that are not replaceable. Those are packed away in the garage.
Currently, my STBX and his gf are trying to buy a house, with her money (a large amount) and his credit. Because I won't sign a quit claim deed until the settlement is done they haven't been successful. He is trying to force a sale of my home. It's amazing that he doesn't care about displacing me and the boys, only about what he wants for himself.
Over the months I have gotten a lot of spew via email which is always followed up days later by offers to give me extra money or he tells me I'm a wonderful person and a great mom. It's been very, very confusing. I finally had to block all of his emails and texts so I could continue to detach. Contact with him has put me in a tailspin at times.
My life is not yet where I want it. There hasn't been a lot of progress on the divorce front. Settlement negotiations are stalled at the moment. It's been very frustrating. Each time we seem to have reached an agreement my STBX changes the terms and it falls apart. I am very confused by this. Now he is wanting the court to terminate our marital status while the rest is decided by settlement or a trial. An added twist, I work for the court including the judge that presided over our settlement conference. So much for keeping my personal and work life separate.
At times I am still confused by how I feel about my STBX. When I saw him in court he looked stressed, drained, depressed and I wasn't attracted to him. He looks different. He has a negative energy about him. He has treated me horribly.
However, it's hard to let go of the dream. I want nothing more than to have an intact, happy family. I want that desperately for the boys. I want it for me. I would rather recover and rebuild from all that has happened rather than start over later with someone new. It seems in possible though. So much damage has been done and there has not been any healthy communication. For months I read everything I could find on MLC, marriage, men, women, depression, gambling, etc. I was spinning with knowledge. When we did talk in the first few months after BD I was kind, loving, validating. In return I was spewed at and stepped on. I was told this was all my fault. I finally had to set boundaries and create distance. I needed time to work on me and create stability for the boys.
I could very much use reminders about why MLCers do what they do. Also, because there is an addiction present I need to understand how this compounds the crisis. I'm not sure why I have a need to process all of this again. Is this part of letting go?
