Struggling and need help #2

[CharlieBrown]

Just worked out and now taking the dog for a walk. If anyone has any thoughts on next steps for me with the MIL, I would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks!

CB

[Mtnman]

CB, only advice I could give is to not involve MIL. My w told her mother so its something they discuss. On our trip this week, MIL and I talked about how W and I are both growing from this, and how God will see us through it. My only advice to MIL in dealing with W was to leave her alone. W has to do this on her own. We can guilt her into coming home but it will only postpone the inevitable.

In my sitch, MIL had a hand in screwing up W to begin with. Why would I think she could do better this time?

[CharlieBrown]

Mtmman, thanks. But in this case, I already talked to her last night and as I explained above, I didn't intend to involve her, but when she asked, I cracked. She was very supportive of me and what we are trying to do because FIL, while a GREAT guy in many ways, shares the stubborn "I never need to apologize" streak that their D, my W, has, and it has caused her great pain over the years.

My concern is that W and I agreed to not tell our families and I am very concerned a)she might meddle and cause more harm than good and/or b)that this would violate a big trust to W at a time we are making some progress.

[CharlieBrown]

Guess whose birthday is tomorrow that just came in an email to my wife showing her FB friends? You guessed it, tat-boy. I think I will leave this one in our inbox marked as read.

[Takevowsserious]

Don't bring it up! Believe me, nothing good will come from it

No doubt tat boy is a total loser, like all men who would be interested in a married woman. But... You've got to stop worrying about him. Put him out of your mind. He doesn't deserve to be there.

As for MIL, I would keep in mind that even though she may seem supportive, ultimately, it may be tough for her to hear/believe less than flattering things about her daughter.

Keep working on you CB

[CharlieBrown]

I wasn't going to bring it up, just not delete the email. For the record, I don't think he is interested in her, but part of her larger obsession right now. Don't know for sure.

What I was thinking of doing with MIL was calling her back today and thanking her for her concern about W and us, and her support. But, remind her again on how important it is to keep this between us, and that there isn't a lot she can do other than pray for us, and be available to watch our kids if we want to get away . Good strategy?

[reachingHigher]

CB,

I cracked one time when my father asked on the phone how things were going as he saw a stream of pics on his FB newsfeed of my H with other girls.

So I broke down in tears and told my dad most everything.

I was sorry later, but what I did was, I just told him that I wasn't comfortable talking more about what happened or was happening on a regular basis. I just explained that it all came out but wasn't interested in feeding him an ongoing stream of what was happening. And he respected that.

And occasionally I would give him abbreviated updates. I did ask him not to elminate my H from family communication (emails) but my parents chose to do that anyway b/c they said he wasn't treating me as a man should treat their daughter and was flaunting his party lifestyle. And I had to respect that choice of theirs also. So it can get icky.

This year, my parents called me this month and asked if they should send an anniversary card to us. I felt that was very kind to me. And I was glad I could say yes, send one.

Since you asked for suggestions...that would be mine. Explain that you cracked and needed to talk, but just ask for prayers from her and know that you could give her small updates as they come along, but in general, you'll be keeping the particulars of the R with W private, from your POV. Just an idea.

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

Thank you, both for telling your story of how you cracked (always nice to know we are not alone) and for your advice. I will make that call this morning.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Great update!

1. Just talked to MIL and she completely gets it. Brief discussion "I cracked, lots of stress, sorry to burden you and I feel bad that W and I agreed not to share and I did. Please help by staying clear and by praying." She may still approach W at some point over next couple weeks based on how distant she has become to W, but she will do the "you have been so distant last few months, is everything ok?" and just see where it goes, but she knows not to talk more, and I trust her.

2. W texted me this morning that she went running at 7 AM by herself and how beautiful the view was, the area (which she wants to move to is) and more details. I believe she is telling me the truth and that is a huge relief (no class at tat-boy's gym). I know, I know, believe nothing they say, but she gave me enough details that I believe her, plus we did 6-8 texts after that and they were good. Very excited.

CB

[reachingHigher]

This sounds positive, both with MIL & W.

Keep up the good work, CharlieBrown