Struggling and need help #2

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks Nero. It is really tough, but the good thing is we finally have some nice weather and with kids sports tomorrow and Sunday, I will be more than busy. I am hopeful she will be doing some texting over the weekend. And that she won't come home with a tat. And that she will snap out of her infatuation with tattoo-boy...

[CharlieBrown]

Tonight I had to go to a meeting for an hour and had to leave D home by herself. When I came home she was on the phone with MIL, who had kept her company because she didn't like being home by herself. I felt really bad about that and she gave me the phone. MIL and I had a nice talk and she asked me what was going on. I asked what she meant and she said she knows something is wrong with W, what is it? I started to cry (unusual for me, not so unusual lately).

I told her much of what was going on and my theories on why. She is a smart woman and clearly knew. She wasn't surprised and was pleased we are in therapy. She is VERY pro-marriage and was deeply saddened to hear. She said she will be praying for us, and I know she will.

W hadn't talked to MIL and FIL yet and had told me that. I also haven't talked to my family yet. Part of the reason I didn't want to was because I felt/feel ashamed that I have failed as a husband. Also, because I wasn't so sure MIL wouldn't blindly support W. In addition, I am trying to keep the circle small because I am convinced we will get through this and I don't want there to be any "weirdness" with them later.

But, I have to say, MIL totally got it and I felt better that she knows. Also, she agreed to not say anything to FIL and "agreed that we didn't talk" and she wouldn't say anything to W. She will be able to push W and get information on her own, I am convinced. My plan is to follow that idea and not say anything to W. I hope I am right as this would breach a major trust at a time when we have had a good couple weeks.

Thoughts?

[ForeverYoung]

MLC is a long process, that W has to work through on her own. Does MIL understand this? MIL's meddling, no matter how well intentioned, can easily make things worse for you guys. This is why Michele tells us to NOT tell the family.

Having said that, I think it's great if MIL really understands the process, won't interfere or tell others, and can support YOU.

[CharlieBrown]

Thanks FY. I will talk to MIL and make sure she knows. But, she already knew something was up w W, so it wouldn't be out of character for her to ask W. I knew I probably shouldn't have said anything, but I struggled with not. She could hear the quivering in my voice as I tried to not say anything.

CB

PS - Today is the day I am worried about (this morning especially). If she is making contact with tattoo-guy, it will be in the next few hours.

[~ kd ~]

The comm with MIL could throw a wrench into things.

Try to keep in mind that nothing is "right or wrong". Simply an action and consequences. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes with no discernible effect.

Keep moving forward and do your best to keep the sitch between you, your W, and any counsellors or therapists or clergy (and this board) that may be helping you through this.

[mizjjd]

PS - Today is the day I am worried about (this morning especially). If she is making contact with tattoo-guy, it will be in the next few hours.

Charlie, this is so very painful. The OW part of this sitch just about kills me, and I mean that literally.

The only way I can handle it is to DETACH.

If you're detached you don't "worry about" it.

It svcks, it hurts, its plain WRONG, but it has to be accepted. Its actually easier to deal with once you "know", so stop "wondering", and "worrying" (these things certainly won't STOP her and OM, they only eat away at you). You can absorb "My W has a relationship that is unacceptable and inappropriate" without knowing the details, without torturing yourself.

Denial is such a painful place.

Have a good day today.

Cheers

[Papa4Life]

Hi FY, I read what you wrote earlier about "failing as a husband", and trust me, I've had thoughts like that too. But the truth is, a M has two sides and you could only control one of them. Were there things that in hindsight we could have done differently? Yep. But until you reach the point we're at now, we're too distracted with this thing called life to really notice that we weren't focusing enough on our partners and, perhaps just as importantly, ourselves to notice things wilting away. I guess my point is that focusing on mistakes you've made keeps you bound to the past, whereas focusing on the present and, better still, on the future will put you in a much better position to ensure your long term happiness. And yes, it will even give you a much greater chance of attracting your W to you and perhaps get her to rethink things. I know you can do it.

In fact! I, P4L, hereby resolve you of all past failures (you've repented enough and I can't imagine you would ever consciously repeat them), and I order you to go forth and GAL and beat thyself up no more about junk you can't change anymore anyway.

P4L out!

[Papa4Life]

Sorry, I should have actually directed that to CharlieBrown. My mistake. But the same goes for anybody who reads it and recognizes themselves in yhe pattern of self-blame.

By the authority vested in me by...well...nobody, I grant all of you a blanket pardon! Now go forth with a good PMA and love thyself as Chuck Norris has loved all of us.

I'll stop now...

[CharlieBrown]

KD, I was planning on stopping calling MIL today to follow up the convo, and repeat that we are getting the help we need and reinforce the need for her to keep it between us that we talked. Any other suggestions?

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Thank you Miz, good advice. I am on the bike as we speak getting in a workout.