A New Beginning - after 2 years...

[AnotherStander]

Does that make sense?

Wow, yes it does make sense, thanks for the explanation Very complicated sitch, I really feel for you, tough to see what the right path is. I wish you the best.

[2chiquitos]

i've been trying to figure out what to tell you without imposing my personal ideas on to you.

KG-I support whatever decision you make. You are in such a difficult bind that it leaves me scratching my head.

H n I have been struggling financially for the past 2yrs and every month when the bills come in I know there's always that option that I can just go back to work. But I choose to continue struggling. I believe I will hold more resentment if I work than if I stay home. That's how I weighed my decision.

I'll just leave it at that. Take care of yourself as best you can.

BTW: S4 will continue to go to his private preschool next year and the year after that public school for K. D1 will go to free parent ed that's offered through the city college and hopefully to the private preschool when S4 is in K. By then I hope our financial sitch will be better.

[bustingout]

KG I agree completely with Accuray and Labug that yo are an impressive woman. I have not yet gotten to the point where H puts us in a financial predicament but when he does I want to remember your strength.

Simply...you are amazing

(((( )))))

[25yearsmlc]

KG

((( )))

BF said it succinctly with "I'm not the first woman to have to do this."

As a L, I met some women who had followed their military husbands around the world, only to be left for an OW and one in particular comes to mind.

She asked me which bank to ask for money from (her h was overseas with OW, btw) b/c she had "never written a check" in 30 years of marriage. Some women over 50 really do end up in dire straits. Living with their kids if they can...

Some laws have changed, but I'm telling you, as hard as your sitch is, and IT IS DAMN HARD, I'm so grateful your skills are marketable and your confidence in that area must be higher now...

As for the shaming of your h, I only partly agree with Accuray. Maybe it wasn't so needed however,

Your h SAID he DID NOT understand why you feel hurt...wth? Wow...I doubt i could have contained myself with that line...

That's just weird as he!! to me.

Keep going as you are. Your children WILL get the picture, in time. Not saying they'll blame him but they'll honor and know your wishes are not what you are living with.

And in time, your work hours won't get worse. I think you'll balance things out in time. And you will get help as your GAL activities at work bring you in contact with more people who might help you out,

and someday, when you are ready, you'll meet OM perhaps and that will assist you in some practical ways.

OR, your h will have an awakening.

I'm not sure why you are still protecting him from his family knowing how bad things are financially. I don't see the upside. I see you hating to be the messenger, but this is nuts.

Why not admit being "confused & concerned" as to how he can take OW to Thailand AND yet say there's no money for rent for his children...

wth?????

I imagine he might THINK about being a stay at home dad, and then have OW in his life (which would probably make me nuts.)

After all, He seems to think you've been home "on vacation" with THREE kids under the age of 5...

If he stayed unemployed, and then took money from you, would you THEN tell his family the sitch? Wouldn't it be too late then?

Nevertheless, i agree with you that he's oddly calm about the situation...

zero panic? Or is his "guilt," the stress? I don't know. I think he has a plan.

But you do what you gotta do - and we're all here rooting for you.

[labug]

and remember, don't use too many squares of TP!

[25yearsmlc]

I ASSUME you've been counting those squares (I'd do it differently if it's single ply)...geez, after having my wonderful mother visit, with her dementia and toilet "issues", which she loudly discussed...

well when we talk next, I think I have some lines for your hubby but they aren't really fit for putting here.

[keep_going]

OMG... I almost spit out my drink when I read about the toilet paper. You guys are too funny!


I want to THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all the support. I am so lucky that you are all in my life - I feel loved and cared for and I am so grateful for it. You all give me strength and inspiration and it's just such a relief to have people who I can vent with and who simply get it!

Acc, Bug, Busting, AS, BF, 25 - thank you for all the cheers! You are definitely helping boost my self-confidence. As LBS, our self-esteem takes such a beating and It's been a while since I felt this good about myself.

NLW - Thanks for the support and concern! I feel like I have thought about all the possibilities and am acting in the way I feel I can protect myself as much as I can. Yet in the end, I don't hold all the cards. No matter what I do, my H can either act like the man I know and love or he can become a dead-beat dad. I am not worrying about it or giving it any more real-estate in my brain right now. I think I have done plenty of that in the last 2 years and now that I have more control, I will deal with things and issues as they unfold.

BF - You are right, we are not going to be the first or last women to work full time while our kids are in school/daycare. I remind myself of that often, so thank you for bringing me back to the here and now. I used to work full time pretty much since I met H 20 years ago until S2 was born. My concern is about overdoing it... It's all a matter of having balance and one of the positives of this awful experience is that I have had to revisit my priorities and make sure I act according to those. Finding a balance between my job and the rest of my life will be something I will constantly monitor, but I am confident things will be ok.

2Ch - I know what you are saying and believe me - if I knew there was ANY chance to be able to remain at home with the kids, I would do so. I have learned to live very, very frugally and while it was a scary thought at first, I realize the there is so much "stuff" we just don't need... Yet with H being unemployed, that is just not an option anymore.

25 - You ask why I am protecting H from his family.... I am really not. i just don't want to put any of my in-laws in the middle of this - they have been mortified about the whole situation since DB and I made the decision a few months ago to completely separate my R with all of them from what is going on with H. We get together or talk and nobody even mentions H. Might be weird, but at this point it's just better for everyone. I figure sooner or later they will find out what's going on.


Every day I am feeling better. I have a new sense of purpose and direction and I am not worried or scared about the future anymore. I am enjoying my time when with the kids or alone and I find myself with a long list of things to do before I go back to work in two weeks.

This is another busy weekend... I had two birthday parties with the girls. I love going to those because it gives me time to focus on them 100% w/o S2. It's always so much fun.

I have been working on reaching out to people in general - smiling at everyone, striking conversations with strangers or with parents of other kids from preschool that I didn't know before. Even if I find that I don't have a lot in common with them, I am focusing on asking questions, listening and it's been a lot of fun. I had stopped doing that a long time ago. I guess when you live always hurrying around, it's hard to truly interact in a meaningful way with others.

I am doing a little bit of gardening tomorrow. I am transplanting some plants that have outgrown their pots and my neighbor's nanny invited me to her daughter's baby shower. I am also going to steam clean my carpet, since the kids are with H this weekend.

Finally, I am hoping to do some yoga. I had a bad vertigo episode last weekend and it still has not completely gone away, so I am hoping it does. I also joined an adult gymnastics meet-up group and plan to start attending once a week once as soon as I start working, on days when I don't have the kids. I used to do gymnastics as a kid and it never occured to me to go back to it as an adult, so I am stoked I found this meetup group!

So many good things going on now and in the near future. I am a lucky woman!

((((((((hugs to all my DB friends))))))))

[needgrace]

KG, so happy to read your recent posts and so so proud of you. you are an amazing woman and mom. congrats on your new job. thank you for setting such an example of strength. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[BFloat]

ok.. i laughed reading about the TP. i remember making a comment about it a long time ago about your needing to keep count. lol!!! too funny. sometimes it's really a gift.. the absurdity of it all. at least it gives you something to laugh about.

one of the things i have been very thankful about in this whole situation which i'm sure you can relate to.. i'm thankful that i have skills where i am able to get a job that allows me to support my kids. they may not have all the luxuries but, they will definitely be cared for.

when your kids are older.. they won't look back and think, why did mommy choose to go to work instead of staying home with us? what they'll realize is that you loved them so much that you sacrificed that time in order to provide for them and give them the best life you possibly could.

(((((( )))))) we're rooting for you! and when you come home from that first day at work.. tired.. maybe a little crabby.. i'll have a joke waiting for you. i'm laughing in my head just thinking about it. lol!

[needgrace]

i just reread your last post to get inspiration today for moving forward. love your reminder about focusing on others and what is beautiful in each moment (gardening, children, others)... so often in the past few days i find myself with "wanting mind" about W... and needed the reminder to take in what i truly have instead of what i lack in each precious moment.

i noticed yesterday in my meditation group... that the leader had us focusing on noticing sounds.. and it was a busy santa monica street. so i heard many cars. but i realized i was focusing on the sound of them zooming away.. and i eventually realized that i was doing that bc of the feelings of loss i had felt this week.

i started to work on opening up to hearing them approach from afar, be near for a moment and then go away.. and realized that this happens with everything in life and that i need to focus on this moment in time.

love you, KG. thank you again for the inspiration today.