Taking a step back-a fresh start

[jp787]

I think it was the next day, and we had been talking and at one point I was telling him I wasn't sure what I was going to do.....but if I decided to leave, I wanted us to be friends. His facial expression never changed from the calm & cool way he had been listening. He just slowly shook his head and said in a soft but firm tone of voice, "If you leave, there will be no coming back....and there will be no just friends relationship". B/c he had that soft, sad...almost a kind smile on his face....and the way he said it (as if he felt sorry for me making the biggest mistake of my life), I knew he meant every word!

That's why I try to tell LBH's not to fall into the "just friends" trap. I never thought he wouldn't want to be my friend! It hit me that I was talking about cutting him out of life completely! I didn't reply, and he didn't say anymore to that part, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I knew he would miss me and probably be sad, but by that statement, I knew he was not going to beg me to stay or come back or "settle" for being my friend. The fact he would not settle....I think that's what got my attention, and even if I didn't want to admit it then, it stirred some much needed respect for him.

CBT this is what makes me think. My wife has said before that no matter what she wants to be friends. It scares the he11 out of me to say no that wont happen.
And with A's...
I guess I am seeing two very different thoughts on A's.
1. Don't stand for it, make the ultimatum and let it be known that you will not stand for it, period. Not that you still need to change and do work.
2. Work on yourself and prove your the right choice by showing changes. Allow the A to ride, with spouse aware that you don't approve.

I so wish I knew which way was best in my sitch for both!

I think there is a place for each depending on the sitch and people.