Almost two years and still stuck in limbo

[sandi2]

Now that OM is hopefully out of the picture how can I be there for w so she won't feel lonely? And at the same time not pursue and appear clingy. What should I not do while my W fight off the temptation to seek OM again?

I don't know that I completely answered that question. But first, don't make the mistake of thinking OM is completely out of the picture yet. I hope he is, but just be careful. Even if there is no contact, he's not going to be out of her head right away.

Feeling lonely for some)may be an important test and part of the grieving process. It was for me. You can keep certain things going to stay active, but she's got to feel some of these things, in order to get over it. I believe some H's want to help the W too much. It often comes across as him smothering her.

Like I said before, you can be nice. But don't overdo it. I can't warn you enough on that part. You have to kind of be on the sideline where she can see your strength.....and know you are there "if" she decides she needs you. And, she may need one day, and then she may pull back the next. That's why you have to remain even keel. Let her lead you, in the beginning of this. And remember, you are seeing this as the beginning of a reconciliation, but she doesn't.......and it is important that you not say it or talk as if everything things are going to be okay now. She does not share those feelings. You just don't mention it. Remember, all of those kind of attempts can hurt you.

I know you love her and don't want her to suffer, but if you don't allow this process to be complete, she will have a setback. You don't want that to happen.

Is that all clear as mud?

[jp787]

I also did some non DBing stuff and exposed the EA to OM w.

That imo is very dangerous and may backfire on you! Your W will see that as you trying to control it. She needs to end it on her own and not be forced to end it or she may resent you for it. Just my thoughts...

[newman7977]

JP, thanks on your thoughts. Yes upon consideration on exposing the EA to OM W, I took a risk. I knew it could backfire, but I needed it for my sanity. Lets just leave it at that, I have my reasons and I do admit that's not a DB way.

Sandi2 thanks for stopping by and giving me some time to write your perspective. I really appreciate and it helps me tremendously. You gave me a good view from the outside...looks like an excellent roadmap.

So if there's one thing you would say, that was the turning point where you gain respect for your H, what would it be? Is it his firm stance on telling you there's no coming back if you leave? I just realized then that you gone through this journey while living in the same roof! It looks like there is hope in my sitch then. W & I both don't want to leave the house because of the kids.

But I'm very firm that she doesn't contact him. She knows I'm out if I find a solid proof. I just know our M don't stand a chance while she's in an EA. Yes I'm also caution about thinking OM is out of the picture. Even if he's gone physically he's in her head, yes I noticed that too. It's only been 4 days since the obvious contact...we'll see how this pans out. Hopefully something click in her mind. But I'll be ok too if she can't let go of OM, I will let her go and move forward.

Thank you again Sandi! Hope to hear back from you.

Newman

[jp787]

Newman,
In my sitch I contacted the OM directly and it did make a difference, but short lived and my W was furious. I really took a huge leap backwards doing that. I regret it.
For me right now W is friends with OM, text from time to time and swears only friends (he lives out of state), do I believe this, not really, but not much I can do about it?
For me it has to be her choice, not mine. If it ends because I force it, it wont end and/or she will have so much resentment that it wont matter, make any sense?
I know how hard it is, I know the hurt, I know the need to know. Look at my sitch over 600 post and my BD was in Nov. and i am just now getting this stuff.
I am just sharing so that you have something else to look at. I know each sitch is different and only you really know it.
Good luck and breathe.

[newman7977]

JP,
We have a lot of similarities..I got to check out your thread. I totally understand where you're coming from. I also understand that my w has to realize this all on her own.

Just like you I contacted the OM and his W...I didn't hold back. It was mostly for myself to tell him exactly what I think. It was to get it off my chest. And to convey to him that i will fight for my family. Honestly, I don't regret it. I figure my W already resents me in all of this and just hoping that one day when the fog lifts she will understand what I did.

[sandi2]

So if there's one thing you would say, that was the turning point where you gain respect for your H, what would it be? Is it his firm stance on telling you there's no coming back if you leave?

It took a period of time before the respect returned to what it should have been, b/c it was over things that had happened down through the years. However, there was a bit of a turn in how he handled himself after everything had hit the fan. I think it was the next day, and we had been talking and at one point I was telling him I wasn't sure what I was going to do.....but if I decided to leave, I wanted us to be friends. His facial expression never changed from the calm & cool way he had been listening. He just slowly shook his head and said in a soft but firm tone of voice, "If you leave, there will be no coming back....and there will be no just friends relationship". B/c he had that soft, sad...almost a kind smile on his face....and the way he said it (as if he felt sorry for me making the biggest mistake of my life), I knew he meant every word!

That's why I try to tell LBH's not to fall into the "just friends" trap. I never thought he wouldn't want to be my friend! It hit me that I was talking about cutting him out of life completely! I didn't reply, and he didn't say anymore to that part, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I knew he would miss me and probably be sad, but by that statement, I knew he was not going to beg me to stay or come back or "settle" for being my friend. The fact he would not settle....I think that's what got my attention, and even if I didn't want to admit it then, it stirred some much needed respect for him.

You see, he had his faults, but he loved me a lot. He also put up with a lot from me that some men would not have done. Even though a MR is a lot of give & take, if he gets to taking too much of my bad treatment of him (as a man and, as my H, and as the father of my kids), then that level of respect starts lowering at a rapid pace.

Anytime a man allows a woman to kick him around, she's not going to be attracted to him. She just sees him as being pathetic.

I just realized then that you gone through this journey while living in the same roof! It looks like there is hope in my sitch then. W & I both don't want to leave the house because of the kids.

Oh, yes....there is hope for your M! And it may have taken the exposure to jolt things out of the limbo. I'm not quick to say that, b/c if my H had exposed me.....it would have been the end of us, the way I felt back then. I probably would have left town and hid out somewhere! But if a woman refuses to end an A, then the man can make the decision to continue on with it....or seek out a D lawyer. Even MWD says that in the DR book. If you'll read carefully, you'll notice that her advice about the S that has been betrayed is in view of him/her choosing to stay in the M. That's why I think some people get the wrong idea in thinking they have to put up with infidelity. It's their choice if they want to stay with the WS, and MWD is telling you how to do it. It may not save the M to expose in all cases, but if she won't stop and you can't take it any longer......you have to make a decision.

Note: I'm not trying to open a conversation or debate about exposing. I have not seen MWD encourage it, and the mods usually step in....if too much is said on the board.

[jp787]

following and Wow this is really making me think...

[cbtdad]

I've thought about contacting OM, but I don't really see what good it would do.
He's not married, no kids.
She has already filed for divorce over 4 months ago
He is just a symptom to the problem.
I guess if she hadnt filed yet and this was happening before then I'd probably do it, but giving the circumstances I don't think there is any reason for me to do so

[newman7977]

Thanks guys for your opinions and thoughts. Like I said before, I will admit exposing the EA is NOT a DB way and I didn't disclose to get a debate about it or convince others to do so. It is for background purposes so I can get an accurate advice.

Sandi I'm reading your thread again and will re-read what you posted in here. In your thread I can picture what you H actions while you were fighting the temptation to contact OM.

It could be as small as offering you a popcorn and watch tv, in your feelings that made you cringe and that was a tremendous pursuit. I got to watch myself, I do those things up until recently. Everything you said on the boards they're exact words my w told me.

Clearly your H did some actions and changes. That's what I got to do...I was over doing it. I've got to remind myself step on the sideline and just watch her work through it. I have to re-read your post here, I saw some gems that I could use.

Thanks again Sandi. Pls come back if you think of something else your H did or said that turn things around.

Newman

[newman7977]

Ok Sandi, check out my WAW lately. And no I'm not showing this at home. I'm just sharing thoughts here. There was errands to do so I ended up asking w because D18 couldn't go with me. Anyway, I asked W and she gave me this piercing look again and almost like dang hissing at me lol. I just walked away and didnt show any reactions and ask so are you going or not? So she went with me.

On the way back, we had to walk and she didnt even waited for me because I had to talk to the service person. Anyway I thought dang how rude, of course I was pissed. So I walked home and compose myself. Walked in the house, she was cleaning and I went straight to s3 and interacted with him. I could see her on the side of my view and she is staring at me and looked away when I'm about to sit down because then I'd see her staring . She's almost like she's egging me to engage in an argument. But I didn't and went on my business like nothing happened.

She was cleaning and I had some stuff on the table. She shoved all my things in one corner like whatever. I took them and put them away. I think I finally getting detaching?! Anyway it's only been a week so maybe I will slid back again. I also have not ask for sex yes I'm embarrass but I haven't touch her in a 1.5 months.

Hard to explain but I'm kind of glad her anger is back...I know I'm sick right? But last year she was emotionless. We didnt fight at all which felt fake.

I remain detach, I don't look at her and only talk to her if she ask a question. I communicate then pull back, it's pretty direct really. It feels like she is testing me if I'm really strong not to pursue her. I actually notice these little tests last week but now it's become a pattern...her mood swings one moment she's hissing at me the other she's talking business like.

i wont fall for it though, i feel better at where I'm at right now and quite frankly I'm not fearing the big D. But I'm not dismissing any hope either.

Sandi, if I'm not mistaken--my main goal is to gain her respect.

Anyway these are just my observations lately.

Newman