Take the hits and keep moving forward.

[T1000]

Does anyone ever ask why theres a pic of a nut on your desk?

Sent her a pic this morning. Responded quickly and then sent me one back.
I asked how S1 was and she told me. Sent me a pic of her breakfast and of S1.
Quite fluid and responsive.

That is the first time I have reached out for her with nothing to do with the kids for nearly 3 weeks. I will leave at that for now.

[AnotherStander]

Has AS already told you the nut and squirrel analogy? If your goal is to have a squirrel take a nut from your hand, you have to be pretty patient while the squirrel decides whether it is safe to approach. I now have a picture of a nut on my desk to remind me of this

Hahaha! I love that idea! Here's the analogy for anyone reading this that doesn't know what we're talking about:

If you try to feed a squirrel by hand, you have to hold perfectly still. It will slowly come to you, but even if you don't move, it will sometimes get scared and retreat. But it will return, and get a little closer each time. If you get impatient and make any move towards it, it will run right back up the tree and the entire process starts all over again from the beginning. But if you remain patient, it will come closer and closer until it will finally take the nut from you.

And while we're at it, here's Tumbling's castle analogy:

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. The drawbridge is up and there's a moat all the way around the exterior. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat. You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peek over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

[jp787]

^^^Thanks for that AS!

[azguy]

Great to hear T1000. I like that you're changing things up, but taking it slow.

It's my desk at home, so only my son has seen it. He's asked, so I told him the story, but told him it was related to a problem I had at work. It's actually applicable to other problems as well.

Thanks for the castle analogy as well, AS. Another good one.

[T1000]

Both good analogies. Thank you.
I love the fact that the WAS has been so analyzed it can be summed up with analogies.

W has sent me multiple messages throughout the day. I'm replying to all with a mixture of different responses from straight away/smiley face to 30 minutes later/couple of sentences.

I was GAL watching Iron Man 3 after work and had my phone on flight mode during the movie and came out to 3 messages that were sent 3 hours ago.
She has no idea why I haven't looked at my phone for 3 hours, a bit of mystery of what I was doing isn't going to hurt.

[azguy]

Sounds like good progress! It seems to me like you're interacting with her like you would someone you just started dating. Show interest, a little mystery is good, don't appear overly eager. All positive stuff!

[T1000]

Thanks azguy.

So far so good.

Lots of contact from W today. She seems to be sending me funny pics to initiate contact. Sometimes I give smilies and other times I initiate a little chat.

I would say I'm contacting her once to every 3-4 times she is contacting me. Phoned me from the store to ask me what to buy for her bathroom (she's decorating). Sending me pics of the wall repairs. It's a bit surreal at the moment, in a good way.
Messaging me quite late and even got a 'Night night'. I nearly fell off my chair!

I feel a bit like the squirrel is now eating out of my hand and I'm looking around not sure what to do next!

I'm going to ask her on Sunday if she wants to talk about her message the other day about the future. Until then I will just keep up a similar position.

[stilllookingup]

Messaging me quite late and even got a 'Night night'. I nearly fell off my chair!

^^ This made me chuckle. I haven't been following your sitch and happened to see this thread and I like what I'm reading!

I often wonder about going dim too. Even before he moved out I promised myself I would not initiate texts or calls at least for a while. I decided that not to play games but I really wanted him to feel my absence. So far I've been true to the decision and haven't initiated any text. All the texts are from him but mostly about one of our two cats he's taking to his place, purchases he made before and being sent to my place etc. He did ask me if I was going to a charity walk for his siter tomorrow and I said yes. I saw him signing up for it right after. I too am trying not to read into anything but it's hard not to speculate things.

I agree with AS about your earlier texts to your wife when she show interest and seemed to want to talk about the future. I know you were joking but like AS said we take sex very differently than men. I might have taken it the wrong way too if my H asked if I was horny. I might have been upset, actually. Also when she said she was thinking about the future and you said it's tough. Although it is true the future between WAS and LBS is going to be tough, that's what I would want to hear eitehr. Like others said I would have liked you ask me more questions about what I meant. If your wife is a typical girl, we send hints. Even if we try not to send hints because men are not mind readers, we still do because we can't help it!

[stilllookingup]

Random question. Does your (or others) signature have more than 200 words? I want to put more stuff in my sig but this is the max.

[T1000]

Hi stilllookingup,
I think what helped my situation was just before I went dim we were getting on really well. We celebrated her birthday and I got her some really good stuff for her birthday off myself and the kids, she was pleasantly surprised. Got her a cake and and banner too, she was quite moved, non her friends had shown as much effort.
Within a week she said she was dating and I went very dim. At first I was quite annoyed that I had put any effort into her birthday other than something from the kids.
In the end I think it helped, because we were good friends she really did have something to miss.

I think you and AS are correct and she did want me to ask her more about it. At the time it felt like just another situation where I open up and get walked over so I shied away from it. At the same time I think because I didn't get on my knee's and profess my love she is maybe pursuing me now.

I will ask her on Sunday about what she said and she if she want to talk about it more.


Try not to see it as playing games. See it as following the DB rules to restore your marriage.
I don't think it would help his Father going through so many marriages. He see's his father throwing away many marriages and starting again. It's bound to influence him even on a subconscious level.
I like the fact your H signs up to the charity walk as soon as he knew you were doing it. It's very hard not to speculate things.