Almost two years and still stuck in limbo

[sandi2]

So if there's one thing you would say, that was the turning point where you gain respect for your H, what would it be? Is it his firm stance on telling you there's no coming back if you leave?

It took a period of time before the respect returned to what it should have been, b/c it was over things that had happened down through the years. However, there was a bit of a turn in how he handled himself after everything had hit the fan. I think it was the next day, and we had been talking and at one point I was telling him I wasn't sure what I was going to do.....but if I decided to leave, I wanted us to be friends. His facial expression never changed from the calm & cool way he had been listening. He just slowly shook his head and said in a soft but firm tone of voice, "If you leave, there will be no coming back....and there will be no just friends relationship". B/c he had that soft, sad...almost a kind smile on his face....and the way he said it (as if he felt sorry for me making the biggest mistake of my life), I knew he meant every word!

That's why I try to tell LBH's not to fall into the "just friends" trap. I never thought he wouldn't want to be my friend! It hit me that I was talking about cutting him out of life completely! I didn't reply, and he didn't say anymore to that part, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I knew he would miss me and probably be sad, but by that statement, I knew he was not going to beg me to stay or come back or "settle" for being my friend. The fact he would not settle....I think that's what got my attention, and even if I didn't want to admit it then, it stirred some much needed respect for him.

You see, he had his faults, but he loved me a lot. He also put up with a lot from me that some men would not have done. Even though a MR is a lot of give & take, if he gets to taking too much of my bad treatment of him (as a man and, as my H, and as the father of my kids), then that level of respect starts lowering at a rapid pace.

Anytime a man allows a woman to kick him around, she's not going to be attracted to him. She just sees him as being pathetic.

I just realized then that you gone through this journey while living in the same roof! It looks like there is hope in my sitch then. W & I both don't want to leave the house because of the kids.

Oh, yes....there is hope for your M! And it may have taken the exposure to jolt things out of the limbo. I'm not quick to say that, b/c if my H had exposed me.....it would have been the end of us, the way I felt back then. I probably would have left town and hid out somewhere! But if a woman refuses to end an A, then the man can make the decision to continue on with it....or seek out a D lawyer. Even MWD says that in the DR book. If you'll read carefully, you'll notice that her advice about the S that has been betrayed is in view of him/her choosing to stay in the M. That's why I think some people get the wrong idea in thinking they have to put up with infidelity. It's their choice if they want to stay with the WS, and MWD is telling you how to do it. It may not save the M to expose in all cases, but if she won't stop and you can't take it any longer......you have to make a decision.

Note: I'm not trying to open a conversation or debate about exposing. I have not seen MWD encourage it, and the mods usually step in....if too much is said on the board.