darth vader and i

[tonibertha]

So I can be a wife only a fool would leave, but if my H won't even turn to see me because he is happy elsewhere, what chance would I have for him to notice any change?

Your changes are for YOU, not for your H.

[keep_going]

Your changes are for YOU, not for your H.

I completely agree.

I was simply speaking within the context of BF's question re. the WAS and the effects of their R with OP...

[BFloat]

i am getting through the day.. but i feel a constant underlying sense of sadness.

S wants to move. when i explained that if we moved we would be far from H he just said, we could go visit. today i was talking to D telling her how much i miss her even when i'm at work. and she said.. "i know. but daddy doesn't". all i can say is that daddy misses and loves them very much. i have a lot of people telling me that i'm not responsible for H's choices. i get that. it doesn't make it any less painful. and it hurts that my kids have to go through this.

i don't know.. something inside me has just told me lately that i need to reach out which is so very hard for me because i am very good at keeping up this facade that i'm ok.. that i'm stronger than i really feel.

i messaged a gf of mine who i have always admired for her unwaivering faith in God. we have been talking about getting together for play dates but i have been hesitant because i haven't wanted to talk about the breakdown of my M. but i sent her a message because i felt it was time to put my ego aside.. to admit how broken i feel..

i also requested an appointment with a counselor. i think i have been putting this off because it was those last few appointments of sitting in a counselor's office.. listening to how H needed to be his "authentic" self and the separation talks.. i just wasn't ready to go back. now i feel i just need to go.

i haven't had much contact with H lately. he's in his own place. he hasn't txted or asked about the kids..

i'm trying to get to that place where i can speak to him with kindess and empathy but right now, my emotions are so close to the surface that i think it's better to go LRT.

[labug]

Things will happen when they happen, take care of you.

It's taken me a long time to get to empathy, and it still waivers. Try not to have too many expectations of yourself.

Asking for help is a good thing.

A great Pema quote: “Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of sh!t and not be squeamish about taking a good look.”

[bustingout]

Hi BF,

I feel your emotions.

Chiming on your previous question and what AS and KG said about OP....I fluctuate between the two viewpoints. Sometimes I am thinking along the lines of KG, that two people from failed M's will work harder to keep their new R alive. Although I wonder how they have had time to heal themselves and work through their own issues when they have jumped from one M, that actually still exists, into a serious R with OP.

Then again, it screams that the new R is a cover up for all of what really needs done. That the new R/affair is really a band aid...an external source making everything feel right. Like AS says...

I wonder about this a lot. Maybe H and OW have worked together to heal each other? Maybe they have been digging deep and and working hard and have been supporting each other through it? Maybe its real.

Then again, from what I have read, learned and observed, to ME it doesn't seem that way. But I only get glimpses of H now, and what he shows me is very limited and superficial.

So...back to the basics...its about us. Our growth for ourselves. Its taken me years and its only very very recently have I begun to imagine what it is I really want in a M and a partner. Whether it is H or not. Until that time comes though, when I am ready to bring someone back into my life, I continue on my path. Its all we can do.

Focus on what matters to you. And do what you need to do to enhance the goodness, and light in your life.

[adinva]

(((((BF))))
You could use more support, good job for planning IC.

[BFloat]

yes ad.. i definitely need more support. i haven't heard back from the counselor but, it's the weekend so.. i'll fill you in on how it goes.

H and i spent more time together then we have in a long time. it was his weekend with the kids and they had a bday party to go to. the night before, i asked if he would mind i went too. the party was at build-a-bear and the kids have never been. i knew they would be excited! also, it was my gf's son's bday party.

anyway, it went fine. for the most part, we are very pleasant. H has actually been a little nicer after his disappearance. maybe he feels relieved because i'm not arguing and crying about him leaving? maybe he feels guilty? maybe i'm just mind reading??

when we were driving home from the party, H asked if i was still thinking about moving. i had talked about my gf trying to recruit me to move to a different town. a 4 hour trek out of the city. i joked and said.. "so i can trap my own meat?" and H replied that he wouldn't mind doing that. so i said "what? you would move too?" and he said he would have to. ok.. we're talking.. 2 ferries to get to this town. it is not easily accessible. you couldn't just decide.. i think i'll drive in to the city for the night.. this is somewhere that would have been great for us to have been prior to BD because H would actually have loved doing all the outdoorsy stuff. oh bad timing!

also, when i got home today, my laundry that was in the dryer was all folded the way i like and stacked on my bed. honestly.. i can't remember the last time H folded anything for me. he usually just empties the dryer and piles the clothes on my bed. because heaven forbids.. he would have to touch my underwear!

i know it all means nothing. it's just bizarre. i just need to get these thoughts out because they're just swirling around in my head.

some days i wonder how i could possibly cry anymore. i think.. how could i possibly hurt anymore then i already have? and then of course.. i do.

[keep_going]

BF,

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much... I don't know if the hurt will ever go away completely, perhaps we just learn to accept it, process it and move out of the state of sadness? IDK - I guess time will tell, but I do hope you can find some comfort and get to a place of acceptance and peace soon. We are here for you, offering virtual support and a listening ear (or reading eyes and typing fingers...)

I totally understand why you are wondering about your H's behaviors, specially if they are unusual. Remember about the distance / pursuit dynamic? And yes, it is better not to wonder what any of his actions mean right now, because it's all mind-reading at this point. I know... easier said than done, specially when it has been months and years even of our Hs behaving distant, indifferent or mean.

I am glad you were able to be with the kids even when it wasn't your weekend and had a good time at the party.
Hang in there! ((((((((((BF))))))))))))

[BFloat]

Omg.. He even folded my underwear. Darn! Wish I had some sexy ones in there!!

[keep_going]

LMAO...