Hyper focus on the M, or MLC, or even excessive posting and reading on this board will burn you out./quote]
Very true, starting to feel that - and worry my focus is become this forum not my own life. It does get the point where you think constant reading will undercover the magic answer - i know it won't, but in this day and age you think everything has a cure.
[quote]Doormat behavior and walking on eggshells is very unattractive. Possible OM certainly is not doing any of this.
This is something I am starting to believe. I need to work on my calm assertive approach to things. It will make me feel much better to be able to be like this, I hate walking on eggshells. I feel like i have been on edge around W for years now.
Quote:
My wife and I almost never argue. I was always a peace keeper at all costs. It didn't prevent us from falling out of love with me.
This has been me. Keeping the peace. Thinking an argument is the end of the world. Think its because my parents never really argued that much, amazing how your upbringing can effect you. My W's family are very fiery and argumentative so you can see where the clash comes in to our R.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
FY & Cadet. Let this go last night - never said a thing so thanks for you direction here.
On a plus point - W started discussion about booking a vacation today. Baby step number one under way! I am not reading into this, she still wants out - but at least she wants to spend a week or so away with me and the kids. This could be important for our R, as we have not had a good holiday for a few years now.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
W is very friendly and happy at the moment. Last night we even sat very close to each other without her appearing to physically want to pull away. I am not reading into any of this too much - but do think that its the run up to her trip away. The last few times she has planned these trips she has been very excited and happy, and it does get to me. Mainly because I feel its excitement about meeting up with OM - I don't know she is meeting him, but do not have much trust in what she tells me she is doing vs what she is doing. When 'we' first met we only saw each other one every month for a year and she was equally as excited when our meet ups were planned.
I think the guilt she may have is making her be extra generous and friendly - offering to buy stuff and suggesting i buy things. Its all very confusing and makes me a little on edge. I have a purchase in mind for a new hobby, its not a small amount of money. W has said i should do it. But I have recently said we need to keep an eye on money. Is she testing me? I just don't know.
I am trying to enjoy her happiness and being with her when she is like this, but as my slip up yesterday proves, I tend to forget the issues we are facing and pretend all is fine again. I should just be happy no matter what, I know this, but when she is this helpful, kind, happy and close to me - i get pulled back in, and any detachment starts to rebuild to attachment again. Then she'll say something like 'when i get my own place', and my heart sinks again.
So there is my rant. My question now is:
Should I continue conversation on vacation later, or leave it alone until she mentions it again? From what she said she has been researching places in the background so it must be something she wants to do. I know she is needing a break, I am too - and this could be good opportunity to spend time away from home and focusing on kids and enjoying time as a family.
Sorry if this is the same old rubbish from me and you feel an episode of dejavu!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
I would suggest that you sit quietly and allow her to bring up the conversation about the vacation. Follow her lead in this dance.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've taken a read through my first postings. Interesting read. I don't think anything has changed in my sitch, but I think I have changed for the better. Some things are improving such as our communication, much more humour between us, and talk of vacation. So I take that as a good sign, if not to save R, that we can be adult about this.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
What is the time frame you are looking at for your family vacation? If you have plenty of time, then yeah, I agree with snooderly, let W bring it up. If time is short, wait for the best opportunity to bring it up casually. Timing is everything.
W and I are planning a trip for our 30th anniversary in June. How cool is that?!!!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Not quite sure what to make of things at the moment or how to read into them (not that i should be). W is very pleasant, kind, and friendly. No hostility at all. She is happy.
I made a joking comment about how silly i would wearing something, and she returned the joke commenting about 'how it would reflect badly on her' - ie being married to somebody that would wear that.
All odd, just taking it as it comes!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
What is the time frame you are looking at for your family vacation? If you have plenty of time, then yeah, I agree with snooderly, let W bring it up. If time is short, wait for the best opportunity to bring it up casually. Timing is everything.
W and I are planning a trip for our 30th anniversary in June. How cool is that?!!!
Hi FY, good question. We do need to plan soon as its not easy to co-ordinate with school breaks etc. plus the sooner we can book the more choice. I think I am going to need to find the right time and find a way of mentioning it without pursuing.
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
If time is growing short on making reservations, then get the brochures out or pull the informaiton up on the web and be looking at the information when she happens to be around. Casually mention some dates and ask her for her opinion and she what she has to say.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
