I feel like a kept women, he knows I am stuck, he's not putting it in my face or taking advantage, I am still in charge of all the finances, but that ea he keeps in touch w/makes me want to rip his face off.
ya know? i think this is part of the worst bit. that i feel like a giant fake too. a fraud - acting like i'm invested in him and our r and our life. what life? what r - we got nothing. i don't know what he comes here for- i don't know why he didn't just walk out of my life and be shed of me. he thinks I WANT HIM SOOOOO BADLY - THAT i think it could be like it was??? !!! he's said this. he flatters himself - i say it, he doesn't believe it.
a proverb i read once - "the problem with lying is not that people don't believe you - it's that you don't believe anyone else". that is true of my h. he ALWAYS KNOWS BEST what anyone is thinking (he thinks). he doesn't trust anyone - guess he thinks we're all like him.
i'm not6 saying this stuff to him- i know we're supposed to be supportive in a non-grasping way. i'm tryin- i swear -
does it matter? who th heck can know? this a.m. he wanted to fight about the darn roof - because i didn't answer his question in exactly as many words as he wanted - or how he wanted. i could kill him when he is like this- like any answer is WRONG - AND an imposition to have to listen to. it wasn't a long answer - it just wasn't what he wanted to hear!!!??? wtf
if he hates the "real life" and responsibility- etc. chuck it.
like i'm here for all the wrong reasons - they make us frauds. - my h is like yours - making me a kept woman.. he dangles buying him out of house over my head- threatens me with a roof over my head?? sure smells like it to me- i'm sure he has a different spin. you know- him being allllll gen4erous- etc. i could also rip his face off - he's such a deluded and selfish rotten old thing. or so it feels - all this nice guy crappola on top of ow being there in his life- always - just a stupid old e-mail away.
i'd like to bury him under a ton of computers and watch him be squashed by his obsession and THEN rip his head off. - the damn computers & cell phones- this technology will ruin us all. toooo much everything- too easy - too many options - too easy to lie & cheat & spy and be a jerk- toooooo much of all the things that seem SOOOo young & glizty and EASY & fun.
TOO EASY to think your life can be just like a tv show or a movie. me- my life is jerry springer. it grosses me out- whew...
I don't know if my h would worry bout me at all if we split up. he sure can be down in fl and not bother to hear my voice on phone. he sure can be "out there" and out of my life without so much as a word or thought. i think, honestly, i am nothing to him or in his life. this is how i feel most of the time- this is the message he sends.
oh well huh? enough of my stupid spew -
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Never underestimate how dirty and mean they can get to have their way I guess.
so - yeah, what the heck is up with that. the jeckle & hyde bit.
i think of the longevity of my sitch - hindsight 20-20- and i honestly wonder if it's mlc at all sometimes. maybe it's been jsut a cheating $hit and me too dopey to see it for what it is. idk- it overwhelms me to think i've been wrong about this all and maybe i shouldn't even be here.
he is less critical & awful by far- but what is really accomplished here??? nothing.
i try not to think of the "ultimate goal" because i honestly don't know what it could possibly be. if/since he thinks he'll never get married and so on- what in the world would i "sign up" for again with him? really - would i"??? it's insane to think it- i'm still just gathering "strength" and getting used to thinking of my rest of life in new terms - in a new way i think. as me doing something ELSE with my life - with someone else or by my self. who can know?
i can't think seriouysly of a future of any sort with him without major change in his heart & head and do i even think it's possible? maybe not really. he's soooo stubborn and block headed - i have no faith in the inner "good man" i used to.
as complete as my faith WAS - NOW IT is completely not there.
oh well- me and my neurosis du jour. we're going to fix the garage roog. he did the book shelf- it looks great. he mowed & has asked a couple times "what's next". i want to say why - like, is this a last visit and he's fixing junk up to just blow dodge and stay there? don't ask- but do wonder.
me- waiting for other shoe to fall - always. he's said before no surprises - he woldn't all of a sudden demand sale of house or anything dramatic - but them, he is a liar, isn't he? we can't exactly put much faith in anything he says.
how do i know when he's lying? he's talking...
okay- evil old me here - heading out to weed & regain my inner harmony.
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he knows I am stuck, he's not putting it in my face or taking advantage
so icky thought - is that "real love"?? doyou think? when other people see it and feel whether you do or not? whethr you think it's dead and gone or not- somehow they can smell it? am i imagining this? are they just egocentric and arrogant to even think we could still care? or can they in fact smell it on us?
i wonder- oh well- me buying a ticket in his sick lottery- one chance in fifty billion gazillion- but ya gotta be in it to win it.
oh yeah- what do we win again? refresh my recollection.
is the old guy dead dawn? will we want them resurrected as "nite of the livng dead". can ya tell i'm here but a bit hopeless today?
