Look, I'm not in your sitch. And I'm not trying to tell you your W doesn't have things wrong with her, anymore than I believe my marital problems were all about my H's depression - it definitely takes two to tango, and we were both responsible.Unfortunately, what happens is, you get in this downward spiral that feeds on itself ; "I don't want to do anything for her, because she's not doing anything for me, and I'm angry, but she doesn't feel like putting herself out for the angry guy who makes her feel inadequate, and you don't feel like putting yourself out for her," around and around and down we go.
So let me simplify: - Depression CAN amplify what would seem like normal irritability. My H would have said he had perfectly valid reasons for his anger - except that he really reacts so differently to the same triggers now that his depression is treated. I can actually relate to that, because when my thyroid was really overactive, I would have days where I would get SO uncharacteristically p.o.'d, and if you had approached me at the time, I would have insisted it was all the fault of the person ticking me off. Now in retrospect it's easy for me to see how wacky my thyroid problem was making me, and how disproportionate my responses was (even if technically I could find a justification for it).
- You are the one here with the DB knowledge, so it's up to you to start the upward spiral. I know, it's not fair - but it just is. If you can take that leap of faith, start doing what's best and most loving for her, start treating her like your girlfriend - you WILL reap the benefits eventually. It takes time but it will happen.
- get the KLA tapes and listen to them with your wife. Again, I think you may find it very useful at this point.
- if money has been a big issue, consider changing how you handle it - giving her some, you some and the rest in a household bill-paying account. No credit cards. But don't treat her like a child - just set some limits.
