DBing European Style, part 2

[Papa4Life]

Sandi, if you get a chance to read this, I finally went back and read your early posts in your sitch. I must say, reading about the turmoil you went through and your guilt and sorrow really was an eye-opener for me. It made me think of what a tough time my W must be going through. It really is like walking through a fog, isn't it? I'm glad I'm getting so good at detaching, but it certainly helps me be more sympathetic to what she has been feeling. I don't know if it's an MLC or an OM, and I'm not concerning myself with that anymore, but it's painfully obvious that my W is feeling about me much the same way that you were feeling about your H when you were going through your WAW period. It's really quite instructive for an LBH to read. My W really has felt disgusted with my efforts to rescue our M and has seen the emotional turmoil I was going through as weak and unattractive. I was pushing her right out the door. It might be a bit late to come to be coming to that realization, but at least I know I can go out with my head up and chest out and I can continue with my efforts to improve myself secure in the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing: both for myself and to have any microscopic hope of reviving my M. So, thanks.

[in_it]

P4L you have been getting some great insight from Sandi in regards to the WAW mindset. I hope it's helping you.

You are a very strong person, don't change that.

[Papa4Life]

Hi In_it.

P4L you have been getting some great insight from Sandi in regards to the WAW mindset. I hope it's helping you.

I sure am. Her original posts from the start of her sitch are so raw and powerful. It's like finally pulling back the curtain on what's going on behind my own W's actions. I wish I had read them sooner.

You are a very strong person, don't change that.

Thanks SO much for that. I've been slowly coming to that realization myself, so it's nice to have that reinforced by you. Thanks.

[Papa4Life]

W just left with the kids for a few days away with the grandparents at a campground (European-style: which means a caravan, people right on top of each other, and all the creature comforts. No roughing it here! haha.

Shortly after she left S9 called from the car to ask if I could find D3.5's security blanket laying around anywhere, which I did. Unfortunately that meant W would have to turn around and come back for it, because D3.5 rarely lets it out of her sight for 5 minutes, let alone 5 days! W asked me to bring it and meet her at a spot a mile away or so (by bike), but I was up against it with my translation project and had just a few minutes left before I had to deliver a portion of my work. W was *extremely* agitated, but I calmly explained that it just wasn't possible for me to stop work and run out for twenty minutes. This is exactly the kind of thing that I think W needs to feel. Just as how she is generally unavailable to take care of things at home when she works, the same is going to be the case for me if/when we separate. She didn't say two words to me as I helped load the kids and gear in the car, but I didn't let it bother me, whereas in the past her lack of response or warmth would have put me in a funk. I'm looking forward to a little me time this weekend, albeit spent mostly on work.

[makingmagic]

Hi P4L... I have tried to find Sandi's link, any chance you can direct me? I would like to read some of her sitch. Thanks, wfm

[jp787]

Click on her name, view post and then topics created. Go back to the 1st thread.

[makingmagic]

Hi jp.. I did that, but her first post listed is not the beginning of her story. so wondered the title, actually.

[Papa4Life]

Hi WfM, her thread is/was called "Wife in MLC". If you can't find it, click her name, click "View posts" and go to page (wait for it!) 901. That's the first time she posted about her own sitch on her own thread.

Hi T1000, sorry, I completely overlooked your post. Thanks for your diplomatic response, but that's fine, really, I want honest feedback. I appreciate your taking the time to respond.

Apologies if I'm wrong but I think you come across a bit bitter even when there's some positive movement.

You thanked her for the thoughtfulness because she was thinking of you and she said "I'm always nice". If you left it there you would have been giving her praise for a nice deed. She mumbled and wasn't gracious in receiving the compliment. You then went from a positive interaction (from your side) straight into a negative one.

See, this is where I sometimes shoot myself in the foot. It was actually meant as a joke, and in her past life W would have recognized it as such (then again maybe not, wouldn't be the first time I misread W's signals). I was actually saying that I was a jerk for saying that in the past and that I'm glad we're trying to be friends now.

Considering she is a WAW was it wise to put her down? It's not gonna draw her to you.

I really don't think anything could draw her back to me at this point. DB has almost become a formality for me at this point to be honest, something I do just to be able to say to myself that I gave it an honest try. W is pretty done with me I'm afraid, so at this point I'm just trying to be positive for the kids. I would love to work on our R, but even I wouldn't want to do that unless W could agree to do some major work on herself.

I haven't had the pleasure of the big V. I understand your comments and I also understand it's hard work to look after a baby never mind two of them. Watching the nephews (how old?) for the weekend isn't the same as looking after twin babies all day every day. Did you say that you needed time and she said you couldn't have it?

If I understand you right, what you're saying is that, because I am the primary caregiver for the twins, I needed her help much more than BIL, whose kids were 5 and 6 or so at the time? I did point out to her that I could use her help, but perhaps when the doctor said that I could "return to work", she took that to mean that I could return to MY activities, which at the time were a bit strenuous. And, yeah, I'm a guy, I didn't wanna look like a wuss. But later when BIL was mentioning the surgery and the discomfort afterwards, she kinda gave me a guilty look, haha. Maybe I should have been more clear.

I don't want you to think I'm taking her side just trying see a mid ground. I imagine my W would have done very similar. Now though I think I would be more likely to say what I need and stand for it.

Again, it's fine, I appreciate having you play devil's advocate in a sense. I think that since I'm getting better at detaching, that I probably am more willing to stand up for what I need.

It's a good sign that she wants to talk more.

I don't know what I wrote that would lead you to that conclusion! W has very, very little interest in discussing anything with me at all other than the kids. C'est la vie.

[T1000]

It's a good sign that she wants to talk more.

I don't know what I wrote that would lead you to that conclusion! W has very, very little interest in discussing anything with me at all other than the kids. C'est la vie.

You said
"W today mentioned working extra days now that she'll need to adjust her schedule when I'm awa next month and complained that we don't talk. Pretty rich coming from someone who has essentially shut me out completely for the last several months."

[Papa4Life]

Ahh, T1000, that's just what I don't understand about W's POV. She has said she wants to make solid agreements about, say, when one of us makes plans for the night, but then she turns around and shows complete disregard for the agreements we've made. Isn't that just cake eating? She knows I'm here and I'll take good care of the kids, as I always have. So what does it matter that she's going to see OM on a night when she's supposed to be with the kids? She only complains about not "talking" more when t inconveniences her. Sorry, bur I'm busy with GAL, and I understand that rhat might affect your social life.