If it should, then that's when you will provide a response, but don't raise the issue yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Long discussion on 5LL that I thought was good. Too good really, as she seemed so agreeable and her answers were too easy. Therapist caught this and led to a discussion on our different communication styles that I thought was good. He videotaped our discussion and said he will have several thoughts for us next time on suggestions. Both went to bed early. She left her phone plugged in the office and I didn't snoop.
And Lucy sets the football on the ground...
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
One related note, I have a tendancy to look for a negative. I need to let that go. I know part of the reason yesterday seemed too good of a session to be true was that I am carrying around all this anxiety over her trip this weekend to XYZ town, and it is clouding my thoughts. I need to look at the positives and welcome them. When she left for work, she said good-bye and did an ILY without it being an answer back to mine. Contrast that to what it had been (leaving without even saying anything) and it is real progress.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
it's sure hard, isn't it, to keep one's pma? i know what you mean about the compliment stuff. i almost cried other day because snodderly said something nice. than i realized how f'ing pitiful it is when you are grateful from a kind word from a relative stranger???!!!
sad sad sitch we all find ourselves in. well, here's something else. i think that by virtue of the fact that you care enough to be here and be trying - you've probably also got a good heart.
I can't imagine anyone shallow or faithless would even take the time or bother to try and db. what a soul-sucking experience. well, the whole being on receiving end of spouses mlc is the pits, as we all know.
i am pretty independent and strong-ego person. this has laid me as low as it could probably get for ahuman being. i am amazed myself at how damaging it is to ego & self-image. i'm trying to fight it- after (approaching) 2 yrs , i'm alot better than beginning. it's just the most painful and hard thing i've ever done. you deserve alot of applaud for doing it too. we all do-
our mate will never ever know- i think - what they have done to our hearts & souls. sounds cheesy & dramatic- but i swear i think it. not even death of a loved one has ground me into the ground like this.
i do not know if or how i can or would recapture any feelings for this man anywhere near what i used to have. or if i should. i'm still dbing from habit a& buying time - more than anything else and in the end i'll know (if no one else in universe ) that i gave it every chance on earth. it was sooo good for soooo long- i'm still having trouble with notion of letting it allll go.
so- all of us here appreciate your guts to be doing this. it takes nothing less than nerves of steel - you know, heart of stone, but of steel...
carry on and good luck. remembr the bit about "it's not you" - it's taken me a heck of a long time- i do believe it. even while i see the damage to my ego & e
Tough night. I won neighborhood poker last month, so I had to host again at our house. W was a total B. I took care of just about everything, but she was a B. Then, I won again, so I have to host again next month!
Saw on her FB likes a new page for tatted women. She has 0 tats and these women are covered, and gross. I don't get it. She also continues to hide what is really going on this weekend. Might be nothing, but I am assuming the worse. Therapist told me a couple weeks ago, she is going to go for long weekend, wish her well and let her go. I am trying...
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
CB, I'm sorry she was a total B. I hope you igored her bratty behavior and had fun playing poker. Hey, you won and now have to host again next month...love it. Enjoy these get togethers and leave your w's mlc in the other room. I know it's difficult, but it's your home too and it's not like you didn't set up and do most of the work yourself. She'll need to learn to "share" space w/you.
Mlcers tend to have a fascination w/things that they've never done before. They are teenagers and experimenting is normal. Don't be surprised if she gets a tattoo in the near future. It's all about spreading their wings and channeling that inner child.
As for hiding what she's planning to do this weekend, well, it may be nothing at all. Don't "assume" anything at this time. Assuming can make your mind work overtime. Your therapist advised you correctly. Smile and wish her well. While she's gone, do something fun for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That is a tough night, but sounds like you handled it well. Congratulations on your wins! Sounds fun!
At the start of replay, my H talked about a lot of things he wanted to do. Those included getting a tattoo, getting his ears pierced and wearing earrings, skydiving, scuba diving and some other things. He didn't do any of those, but did buy and wear a couple bracelets around his new friends. (and did do some costume dressing for parties ... trying something new ... but it wasn't permanent)
It seems our spouses want to try something new and radically different. It may be that she is exploring through FB these ideas and may not have to go through with it....or she may, as snodderly said. It's part of the developmental journey.
I think having some solid plans for the weekend for yourself is a good idea.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thank you for your feedback, I will know Monday night when she comes home and nothing I can do until then. The positives of this weekend are many. Nothing wrong with a girl's weekend and she is seeing several really good friends, all of which I know well. One of the couples she may see, the guy was my college roommate and one of my best friends, even though I don't get to see him often with the distance. Hopefully these people all reinforce the strength of "us" and keep her grounded. My only concern is that I strongly suspect tomorrow morning she is going to take a fitness class from tattoo-guy even though she told me she is going jogging (one of his scheduled classes on his website is running, so it wouldn't surprise me if in her mind she was being honest with me). If I hadn't seen him as a friend on her FB page and dug into it, I wouldn't be all that concerned at all. Plus, as I mentioned, seeing her like that tatted-women page is a new wrinkle. I totally get what you are both saying though, need to let her spread her wings a bit (not historically my strength and I am trying)...
I was overly harsh calling her a B last night. Poker night also includes many beers and I was surprised to see this post at 1:30 AM. Honestly, didn't remember doing it. She could have been more friendly, but also probably was trying to stay out our way. She helped me get ready, even though I told her I would do everything. I joked with her that I would have not let her, but after learning in therapy that "acts of service" are her way of expressing love, I was happy about it. And she laughed, which was great.
As far as this weekend, it is going to be tough. I am going to not text her today unless I have to. Tomorrow I will respond, but otherwise just text game scores at D's tournament. I put a light-hearted Mickey Mouse (we love Disney) card in her car this morning and just said "I hope you have a wonderful and fun time in XYZ City this weekend and can't wait to hear about it Monday night when you get back (hopefully out back after it warms up!) Love, H" She sent me a nice thank you email at work and we have had some fun emails back and forth.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
"Thanks for the adorable card. I am so excited about this weekend and can’t wait to tell you all about it. Love you!
FYI – (Boss) approved my vacation."
The vacation is going to be a 5 day trip the day after kids get out of school in June. We have also recently made plans for the 4th and talked about a trip this Fall. All good signs, right?
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
i'd say it's "something" good that she is planning to tell you about it. my h sneaks off - well, now i know- but before i guess. he doesn't say a thing about a thing. i do know tho-
my imagination is my WORST enemy. it runs wild. no one alive could possibly have as much fun - sex- you name it- as i imagine. it stinks. i'm learning to curb it- it took a long time. i don't think it ever goes away completely - maybe it does and i'mjust not there yet. this business of really not caring. i'm accepting of it- now when he's with ow - and i know it- it is just a dull "don't like this man he is" kind of thing. maybe that is worse - when you're not mad and rabid- you're just slowly turning away inside .
oh well- keep a good thought yourself. if she's talling you- she's still giving a darn what you think and feel. i'd say.
they are just different people now - i don't like this new guy most of the time. will he be that forever - only God knows.\
i get the mlc spiel- just when i am about to give it up- i read something again in a mwd book- that describs exactly what he's doing- or someone's posts - dawns's usually- and there he is- in her h, in everyone's mlc spou=se andi think, oh well- maybe we'll be part of the bigger statistical group where my h actually comes out of his "tunnel" in the end and we achieve some kind of life togethr IN THE END.
WHO KNOWS_ MOST DAYS i feel like i'll be in the 25% of total failure (but get to know i tried til the bitter end) ya gotta wonder.
really tho- i have no better life to run to - so here i am. maybe it's a good enough reason to do all this work- who does know???? it's like the lottery i figure- gotta be in it to win it.
hang on man- hope your weekend isn't too awful. i did that weekene last week. boy oh boy did i ever keep busy- every social engagement i was offered & then some- out of house from early early morning til nite- it h3elped.
i say go doe verything in the world outside your house that you've been putting off- visit your old icky aunt - go shop- go visit old friends you've been avoiding- anyting & everything to be busy as heck and not think.
