LRT - Dealing with WAW Affair

[RealityTrip]

Thanks Everyone. It's such a blessing to be supported by people who "get it". Friends and loved ones want to help but just don't understand. Before it happened to me... I was just like them. Trying to comfort a soldier when I'd never been to war.

W texted me again today about taxes. We had a couple of exchanges. They were supportive on both of our parts and really pleasant. It was hard because I know she is with AP. (she doesn't know that I know) But of course I do since I was snooping again the other day. If nothing else, at least I controlled sticking it to her that I knew where she was. That was my M.O. before finding MWD. Enter the lurking controller/manipulator... I realize I was more pleasant and allowed the exchanges to go on longer than I would have BECAUSE I knew she was with the AP. Why did I do that? Uggh. Because I know they have a tendancy to fight about me. That's why. Oh well. I'll hop back on the wagon.

NG, I am already astonished at the strength I've had. Sometimes I can't believe all of us going through this type of betrayal even get out of bed in the mornings! And it's easy to forget how far I've come.

I am going on vacation with my friends 3 weeks from Saturday. A road trip where I get to drive myself and my dog and meet up with them. It'll be a long drive, 9 hrs. My friends tried to talk me into coming to them the night before in another city and riding with but I have decided that this independant road trip is probablly a good idea for me. So at lunch today I tried on a new swimsuit and got excited... so I'm going to focus on that. On getting ready for a much needed vacation. (she said with as much conviction as she could muster) lol!!!!

[RealityTrip]

This morning I missed my W. Coffee in bed, the Today Show, walking the dog, breakfast... we both love the morning. We had a peaceful, happy morning routine. As I was pulling out of the drive to go to work, I got one of those "brain smacks". I think part of my consciousness remains in a state of denial and these "brain smacks" jolt me. This morning I spoke the smack out loud to myself as I drove away...

"She is not here because she chooses to not be here. Nothing is keeping her from me but herself. She is not being held hostage or being guilted by her AP. She is not here with me because she doesn't want to be."

This type of reality check happens every once in a while. I still get flabbergasted by them every time. I've been looking at my marriage from my point of view. If she was so unhappy was I? The answer is no. I really wasn't. I was happy, I am in love. I've tried to pinpoint things about my M that I would want to change if R becomes a reality and there are a few. Most of them resulted in me trying to "control" which just made things worse. I can see that now.

RT,
as you indicated, controlling behavior is an attempt to protect ourselves, to stay at a safe distance instead of being vulnerable.. what fears and hurts are under that behavior and how did the relational dance with your W impact the behaviour? (For example, I would feel more need to control when W did X,Y or Z bc my fear was that X might happen)

Specifically I've been thinking about my W temper. She can have a short fuse. I would always try to talk her down or calm her down because I had the fear that she was going to blame me for whatever was upsetting to her. I tried to control her anger and diffuse it rather than allow her to express it because of my fear that she would somehow find fault with me. Middle child, LBkid syndrome. I always tried to keep my wife in a perpetual state of happy/easygoing the same way I tried to control my Mom's manic emotions after her D growing up. How unvalidated this must have made her feel. It only made her anger worse. My control was like gasoline on her emotions. I thought I was helping but I was fueling and causing exactly what it didn't want to happen to happen.
Bits of that anger that was not directed at me soon would be because I would not experience her emotion with her in an understanding way. I was too busy trying to douse what she needing to express.

My efforts to control to avoid conflict forced her to internalize difficult emotions because I made her feel like she was wrong for having them.

[RealityTrip]

We talked on the phone yesterday. She was crying a bit halfway through... what is that about? It was a good conversation. She told me that I "sounded good". She told me she loved me and missed me. I fell off the wagon and told her the same. She still hasn't done the tax stuff the CPA needs. Ugghh. She still hasn't gone to the dentist to take care of her root canal. She still hasn't tried to find a job. I'm not sure what she's been doing other than sulking in her depression and seeing her AP to try to make herself feel better. For her sake, I hope she hits bottom soon. I can't imagine how much lower she could possibally go.

Before we got off the phone she was "proud" of me and again commented that I "sound good". We touched on her coming home at the end of May and possibly spending some time together for the holiday. I told her we'd leave it open for discussion and to take care of herself.

Is it possible that I am really doing that much better than her? Shame, guilt, and MLC really does a number on someone. Our conversation just helps me refocus on me. Taking care of myself, getting stronger, and setting goals for myself. I think I'm going to have a really good weekend. My hormonal/eclipse week is now behind me.

[Intact]

My word, I think I'd faint if my W told me she loved me now. Surely that's a very, very positive sign?

[in_it]

Hey. RealityTrip just stopping by your thread to catch up. I feel the exact same way sometimes with wanting H to hit rockbottom so he can get up & put himself back together again. If your W was to hit bottom do you think it would be eye opening & help your sitch? I wonder what H would do?

To steal a line from you…it's Fabulous Friday! Hope you have a great day!

[AnotherStander]

She told me that I "sounded good". She told me she loved me and missed me. I fell off the wagon and told her the same.

That's not falling off the DB wagon, you're not supposed to initiate ILY statements but if your spouse does then it's fine to respond in kind.

Is it possible that I am really doing that much better than her?

Yes. My W said similar things, she actually told me she was "jealous" of how confident and sure I was of myself when she still felt lost and confused. That was a surprise to me because she sure didn't SEEM lost and confused. She seemed quite sure of herself. But with a WAS what's going on inside is often quite different than what you see on the outside.

[RealityTrip]

AGGHHH!!!! We texted some this morning. She is getting the tax stuff done... finally! She told me I was "precious", she "loves me so very much", and she "doesn't deserve me." All via text. Then we had to speak briefly on the phone. At the end of the call she said "I love you" I said "I love you too, have a great weekend."

Buuuttttt... She is doing all this from her AP house!!! (The AP is out of the house meeting with one of my friends) WTH?!? I didn't tell her I knew where she was and I'm not going to. But I really just DO NOT understand. Maybe the pasture isn't so green there this week or maybe she's asking for a slice of cake.

I don't know Intact... positive sign? Maybe. But let's face it, she hasn't been all that honest with me in the past 2 yrs. So I don't know how much it really means. Now if she came home, asked for R, and went NC on the AP and told me she loved me, THAT would really mean something!

The tax stuff should be done this weekend and then we won't really have a reason to communicate. So we'll see what happens from there.

I need a "Me" weekend.

[RealityTrip]

My W and I had some communicaiton this weekend via text. It was really pleasant. At one point I told her that if she was living with her AP, which I had heard she was, then I wished her the best hoping she was truly happy. What followed from her was unexpected.

She said "The truth is I have been spending time with AP but I am not living there. I am curious as to how you heard that? The truth is I miss you. And the more time I am around her, the more I miss you. Would you tell me who told you? I want to know what AP is telling other people."

She went on to text, "I truly do miss you and I want to be honest with you. I always hate telling you things that might hurt you. I am having huge trust issues with everyone around me... not you though. You are always my constant. If I was living with AP, I would share that with you."

I told her about the phonecall I got from some of her "new friends" that she and AP were staying together. I told her she could share anything with me. That I am in a good place and advised that she guard her heart and trust her insticts when it comes to trusting the new people in her life."

She responded, "My insticts are telling me to get my a** home to you."

I acknowledged her that this was her journey that she would find her way and ended the communication because I was going to a baseball game with friends.

How many hills and valleys does this rollercoaster have?

[JuneReN]

You know RT, I found that I had to truly let go to begin again. It seems that when you make that decision that things fall into place. Can't guarantee it's the place we want, but that jigsaw begins to form a picture, whereas before it was a bunch of jagged little pieces.

I think your P is a lot like my H. He doesn't like to hurt me either, so would lie or evade. Once I told him I was letting him go to be happy, in whatever form that took, it was only a month later that he and GF ended R.

I think that the happiness and calmness we project, whether "as if" or truly at peace. Don't know about you, but is a combo sometimes for me!!

Things sound positive, but the hardest thing I have found is adjusting my new self to the new situation lol!! So continue treading lightly

[RealityTrip]

W texted me to thank me for showing concern for her, that I am always so perceptive and to let me know that she is "OK and back at her brother's" and is no longer at the AP's.

Hmmmmm, the first thing that popped into my mind was "ok... they must be fighting. Good." And then I thought, "but she didn't say AP wasn't with her." Crazy rollercoaster in my head.

I just didn't respond. It wasn't a question. It was just a thank you and a statement. I'm giving us both our space again so she can think and I don't suffocate her or myself.