Personally, I think you are not only doing a great job, but you have some very valuable information. For one, did you notice it's not really about you? Her anger and frustration is not because of you necessarily, it's taken out on you. I'm not saying you were perfect or that there isn't any grains of truth in her anger toward you. I'm saying it isn't about you.
Stay away from the relationship talks. Support her decision. Be the best you can be and let the rest sort itself out. It will one way or the other regardless. You can suffer if you want to, but you're seeing that you don't have to. And doing a great job with it. Let her do what she does, recognize you don't like it, but don't dwell on it. It's ok to be hurt. It's not ok to be resentful or stay angry. See how that works?
In the end, she may leave anyway; you can't control that. But make sure she's leaving the best man around if she does.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
It's ok to be hurt. It's not ok to be resentful or stay angry. See how that works?
Spot on with this. I am learning to keep my hurt and pain to myself and not release it as anger or resentment. I am in part responsible for how i ended up here and I wont make any gains by continually looking back.
I look back on so many situations and think to myself "could I have handled that better?" My answer is YES in most cases and this is the motivation to make the changes i need to make to enable me to handle the challenges ahead of me in a calm, rational, compassionate and respectful way. I think this skill can be applied in every aspect of life so its definitely worth learning.
Its so easy to just focus on the negatives, i am guilty of this but I am learning to stop those thoughts with more success. When i find myself locking into the crap stuff in all this i just think of my boys smiling faces and the joy and fun that their "NEW" dad is bringing to them whenever i spend time with them. It reminds of all the positive things in life and tells me I am on the right track regardless of the outcome.
Thanks for the encouragement AJM.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
So i went to an appointment with a C at the relationship centre where I will be attending the "managing anger course" which is part of my 180's - learning how to deal with my emotions etc. It was a screening appointment to see if I am suitable for the course.
Anyway, there were a lot of pamphlets in the reception regarding seperation for men and they all have the clear message that "you need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over" Its hard to read this as I feel it contradicts a little with Db'ing although the main goals of Db'ing are to make positive changes to yourself.
I find it hard to not get swept up in the dream that my wife and I will get back together. I also recognise that it could not happen until we both made changes to ourselves and then both realised we still loved each other.
The C asked me if I still was in love with my W. I found it hard to answer and that surprised me. I thought it was clear in my mind but I did not repond immediately and say "YES". I guess I am in love with the version of her before all this happened, before she was so cold with me.
This is very confusing as now I am not sure how I feel about her?
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Journal, Anyway, there were a lot of pamphlets in the reception regarding seperation for men and they all have the clear message that "you need to come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over" Its hard to read this as I feel it contradicts a little with Db'ing although the main goals of Db'ing are to make positive changes to yourself.
As many posters here will you, the relationship you had IS over. The goal is to build a NEW relationship with your W.
Thought of our M this morning...6th anniversary is this friday. If my W and I get back together, it will have to be in a new R as the old one fell apart. I couldnt go back to the way it was, even though I am half responsible for it getting so bad. This is another reason why i need to do y 180's, GAL and maintain that PMA.
We spend all our time working, trying to get ahead, keep the kids happy, fed, educated and trying to make it through day by day. Its so easy to stop caring about the health of your M. We regularly take our cars in for a service, but who has the foresight to take the M in for a service...to ensure there are no bad patterns being formed. It makes me sad to think that I was like that. M are hard work but if you put the work in, the rewards can be amazing.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Journal. It's our wedding anniversary today. 6 years and 15 years together. Strange feelings. Sad to realise that our m was put on the back burner over the last two years and all other things became more important. I realise that I wanted my w to value our m more than her job and as much as the kids but I wasn't probably doing enough of the right things to assist that.
Who is this person that is still my w.? so cold and disconnected and so seemingly happy to just go along like this. Some days she feels like stranger and I find it hard to feel those emotions of love and affection. Its hard to believe we were M . Other days I long to be with her and talk to her.
In the end it's just another day and another opportunity to try and turn this negative into a positive...lets see how I go.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
I am guessing that special days are hard. I would think an anniversary would be hard. I feel some deep empathy for you and what you are going through right now.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I have a couple of questions for anyone out there.
I have my W birthday and mother's day coming up.
Mother's day is an easy one, will keep it all about the kids. Her birthday though will be a bot trickier. I guess some kind of simple gift, not too personal but something that lets her know that i care about her. Something thoughtful? Or should it just be a card? The reason i ask is that I have noticed that my W has put away all the necklaces that I have bought her over the years. She has packed them away as if they never existed. It hurts to see that....Its like she is so upset and angry with me that she cant bare having any reminders of me around her. Why so extreme?
Also, other gifts I have given her havent gone down too well, other than a backpack i bought for her so she could walk into work in the mornings. She uses that every week.
Lastly, when is the right time to make a sincere and unconditional apology. Its been 5 months now since our seperation, we are starting to get a long a little bit since i started DBing ( 5 weeks ago). LRT has been working well, but its so hard to understand how she is feeling at the moment. She is still so guarded.
Any help would be appreciated.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Mother's day is an easy one, will keep it all about the kids. Her birthday though will be a bot trickier. I guess some kind of simple gift, not too personal but something that lets her know that i care about her. Something thoughtful? Or should it just be a card?
I would skip the gifts. It is pursuing and will drive her further away.
Yes the kids can give gifts and you can help them with that part.
Be the BEST DAD you can be, that will be the best gift of all.
Skip the apology too, IMHO. Maybe sometime in the future it will be appropriate, but not now.
THanks for the response. I think i will just leave all gifts as if they have come from the boys. She did the same for my birthday and just got me toiletries and other stuff.
A simple text to say happy birthday from me will be the only recognition i make.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
