darth vader and i

[BFloat]

i am getting through the day.. but i feel a constant underlying sense of sadness.

S wants to move. when i explained that if we moved we would be far from H he just said, we could go visit. today i was talking to D telling her how much i miss her even when i'm at work. and she said.. "i know. but daddy doesn't". all i can say is that daddy misses and loves them very much. i have a lot of people telling me that i'm not responsible for H's choices. i get that. it doesn't make it any less painful. and it hurts that my kids have to go through this.

i don't know.. something inside me has just told me lately that i need to reach out which is so very hard for me because i am very good at keeping up this facade that i'm ok.. that i'm stronger than i really feel.

i messaged a gf of mine who i have always admired for her unwaivering faith in God. we have been talking about getting together for play dates but i have been hesitant because i haven't wanted to talk about the breakdown of my M. but i sent her a message because i felt it was time to put my ego aside.. to admit how broken i feel..

i also requested an appointment with a counselor. i think i have been putting this off because it was those last few appointments of sitting in a counselor's office.. listening to how H needed to be his "authentic" self and the separation talks.. i just wasn't ready to go back. now i feel i just need to go.

i haven't had much contact with H lately. he's in his own place. he hasn't txted or asked about the kids..

i'm trying to get to that place where i can speak to him with kindess and empathy but right now, my emotions are so close to the surface that i think it's better to go LRT.