First Post--2d troubled marriage

[2X Divorcee?]

AFA75 went to my school? Weird screen name if I understand that correctly...?

Well, I broke the silance and called W last night (her morning)at work. Nice conversation...and a little longer than some of the others. I don't think the mail has had time to get there and she didn't ask about the papers. I told her the book was on order and asked if she's reading it. She says it's in the stack but she hasn't read more than a chapter.

All in all not a bad call (no expectations, small steps). Maybe I'll just keep the doors open and call 2 times a week and see how it goes.

The weird thing was yesterday as I thought about calling her, I got really anxious at one point. I think it was the thought of doing something wrong (silence vs call). I probably need to get used to the idea of experimenting.

Being so distant, I think the only 180 I could do besides call/no call would be the time of day I call. I might try a night time call to the house sometime soon. That might be better anyway if I'm going to talk about what I'm reading in the book.

All for now

2x

[Cadet]

No the link is for someone named Coach, you went to his school, I think.

Since there is only one large military school in SC, that I know of.

[2X Divorcee?]

oh....rog...I got to reading one of those long threads (a good one to read) but forgot where I started.

Yep, only one there that I know of too.

[2X Divorcee?]

WOW..."Uncoupling" is a heavy read. I'm only three chapters in and understand the post I saw saying it will make you mad. I know there are threads on this board from WAS's describing their perspective. But if you want to understand more of that, this book is a concentrated view of how everything comes unravelled from early in the process. The author interviewed many people and assembled the findings in a pretty good way to show the progression of a WAS.

[2X Divorcee?]

Interesting to realize my STBXW must still be dealing with PTSD. After returning from her deployment (about a year ago) she made some comments that she was dealing with these issues. And also supporting others she was with who were dealing with similar feelings. When i asked her if she was reading "Uncoupling", she said that was next after "The Long Road" which is a book about the life struggles that follow wartime experiences (starts with some EOD guys and their experiences). This doesn't really change anything but somehow good for me to understand more about what is going on.

2X

[Cadet]

Well I am sure she is depressed and that is part of the PTSD, like you said nothing you can DO about it.

[2X Divorcee?]

The book reading had me pretty down this weekend. Had to force myself out of the house and away from that miserable book. I did some bbq for a going away party yesterday and today just went for a ride and a little shopping. Tried to find a place that would let me rent a sailboat since mine is back in storage on the mainland. I may have a lead to do that on another day. It was good to get out. I may have plans for dinner with my neighbor later.

I definately value my friendships at this point. Just being around others with a smile makes me feel much better.

[2X Divorcee?]

Today I feel like I am backsliding...Part of it is that she should have the mail with the final paperwork from me to go final with the D. Also I am still tense from all the thoughts in my mind after doing so much reading. I'm reviewing the way forward...retyping my notes helps my brain get it...

GAL---PMA
No texts or emails--only limited calls per DB Coach
Don't share emotions
Keep roads back OPEN
Believe none of what's said and only half of what's done
No R Talks
Be patient

[2X Divorcee?]

Not sure if this is anything but I called my STBXW yesterday (about 9:30 pm her time). When she answered I said how's it going?" and she let me know they were about to go to bed due to a field trip/early start in the morning. I said, "well, I'll let you go, we can chat later" and she say "no, no, that's ok". We chatted for a few minutes. Everything was positive. At least, she's doesn't seem to want to end the conversation so quickly. A few days ago she never answered so I had to talk myself out of assuming she screened the call (stop mindreading!).



*

I really have gotten off my self blame for being selfish. Maybe I am at times but I have so much more examples of giving and serving. I actually believe my life of relationships have been with women who become more and more selfish with growing expectations as I ramp up my efforts to please them. I hope this book will illuminate that and help me understand and stop the cycle.

GAL---got a super invite to go deep sea fishing Sunday. Privately owned boats are a little scarce over here so when you get an offer, that's a big deal. Can't wait.

[Cadet]

I actually believe my life of relationships have been with women who become more and more selfish with growing expectations as I ramp up my efforts to please them. I hope this book will illuminate that and help me understand and stop the cycle.

It is called enabling!