New to this ...

[steveh27]

Thanks everyone for the inspiring and real insight. It is a journey, it is going to take a lot of work.

Cadet:
Thank you for the information - it will be used as wisely as I'm capable right now. Your right, time is a GIFT which I've taken for granted over the years.

Breakdown:
Well the controlling ... took me along time to figure out, was fine for the first 5 years of our marriage, but it got progressively worse. Questioning plans, making comments about doing stuff with friends ... calling at times while she was out to ask a question when I probably could have handled it. The therapist drew the conclusion that it is abandonment issues going to back to growing up. Typical dysfunctional family ... divorce when I was 13-14, father was absent for 15 years after that ... found out later on that mother was keeping communication from me - not an excuse for him, but also major problem on mom side also. Long story short, Mom would have long term silent treatment / fights with myself and other siblings on an ongoing basis including the W for our entire lives until she passed last year. In general, just turmoil. Not making excuses, the things that have caused these problems are no longer here, no one to blame but myself. So I need to take the reigns and make myself better again, not only myself but for my kids to end the cycle. I know what it takes to have a good relationship, but the fear and anxiety that drove me to the make the wrong choices sabotaged and created the very reality I was trying to control.

As far as changing my behavior so far all I can do is stop asking questions, and just be genuinely happy for her. We had an anniversary this past weekend, and due to financial issues right now (I run a business that is successful and gives our family a good life but is having a hard time collecting on outstanding invoices that are piling up) so all I could give was her favorite flowers and a nice card. I wrote a 3 page letter, but declined to give that as I'm trying to not overdo anything at this point. She said thank you and sorry and we had an ok weekend doing things for the kids. Monday rolled around and BAM the walls came up. She is detaching for her own reasons to try and protect herself I would imagine also, but yes I can't dwell on the "why's" right now. Everyday, every hour could be different and just as confusing and I can't over analyze ... but it's a learning process.

She has a good girlfriend that is supporting her. When the payments start coming in I would like to treat them to something that allows my wife to get away without me. Without me questioning, asking questions or judging her. She needs it first of all, just from a space issue. I need it for my own well being as well, but also to start my 180.

sandi2:
You couldn't be any more clear and unfortunately right.

He wants to be assured before he does the necessary work. He is so afraid of her leaving him that he begins acting much like a puppy crying and begging.

This is me to a T right now.

Yes - I did try the "let's go talk to our priest, lets talk to a MC". I've backed off, one because she said only would go for the sake of knowing how to deal with the kids during this, and two she seemed forced <-- don't want this. So I am doing this for me. Had only one meeting so far, so obv too early to gauge, but it helped to talk through the issues.

But now the time is crucial and you may never get another chance to make a difference in this MR. I hope you don't wait around.....still thinking about what you need to do.

I believe I am doing this - unless I'm missing your point. Therapy is my focus right now besides obv my family's current needs. I am "reacting" to this, your right. I'm not sure if what I'm doing is correct, I can only assume getting myself right will help allow this to heal.

btw - I need post smaller