Suckerpunch down to the wire

[AnotherStander]

BUT, she also wanders into their campsites to "socialize" when they are here.

I don't think you mentioned that before, I can see how that would be awkward. But again, if anyone says anything to you about it I would just apologize for the awkwardness and tell them she'll be gone before long. Don't say anything you don't want getting back to her though. For example, you might be inclined to tell them to tell her to leave them to their privacy if she keeps wandering into their sites, but surely they're smart enough to know they can do that already and if you tell them and it gets back to W it won't go over well.

[swoop]

If she wanders into their campsite to visit then she hasn't isolated them. But, that's between your W and them.

Separate business life from personal life as much as possible. That's up to you. Refuse to talk about your D with people who have no stake in it.

People love to gossip and sometimes to be a part of the drama. Recognize that and don't play into it. Practice a line, like "Thanks but that's between W and I."

Good advice, and I need to work on changing the focus. I will start practicing ways of defusing "marriage" conversations more quickly. Thank you. Unfortunately, some of my customers are also friends and even family. It is very difficult to separate the two completely.

Think about this. If you are so attached emotionally to customers that their emotions affect yours, it could explain a lot of your anger and anxiety. I think 25 said ^ that you take everything personally and I see that, too. Do you feel that others have expectations of you that you can't meet? What happens in your head when you make a mistake?

I absolutely HATE making mistakes, doesn't everyone? I put a lot of expectations on myself, in regards to helping or working with other people. So, I am sure a lot of my anxiety comes from that, as well as my situation with W.

[swoop]

But again, if anyone says anything to you about it I would just apologize for the awkwardness and tell them she'll be gone before long.

i have been trying dilligently to do this, but it is difficult to avoid being caught up in a conversation about my marriage. I really don't have a confidant that I can confide all of my feelings to. I did, but I have since backed off because I do not want my constant drama to affect my other friendships.

Don't say anything you don't want getting back to her though. For example, you might be inclined to tell them to tell her to leave them to their privacy if she keeps wandering into their sites, but surely they're smart enough to know they can do that already and if you tell them and it gets back to W it won't go over well.

I am guilt of doing this...over and over and over. I have since learned my lesson.

[swoop]

I went in to see my attorney yesterday, and I have decided to file for disolution of marriage. I will be heading out to sign the papers today and will have w served in the near future. It pains me greatly to be in this position, but the fear of possibly losing my daughter, on a pipe dream that W may come back, is not a chance I am willing to take.

I opted for divorce over separation simply because I do not ever see this turning around, and I don't want to go through the pain of the legal stuff twice.

I honestly feel that I could make every positive change in myself and become the man that only a fool would leave...and wife still wouldn't consider giving me another chance. She is simply continuing to stack up negatives in an effort to make our marriage out to be this horrific chapter in her life. She has told everyone she knows that she is divorcing me, that she is starting this wonderful new life. She has expressed to my D that she is going to have a house and allow daughter to decorate her own room. She is dating other men. She is pulling farther and farther away from me and our circle of friends. Those issues alone would make turning back extremely difficult for her. She isn't going to do it, even if it is simply to follow through with her word and save face.

I know that her vision of our marriage isn't the truth. It is actually far FAR from it, but the story she has rewritten about our time together has become her reality. It is really sad.

[25yearsmlc]

well if it's done it's done so there's not much to say.

I think you're doing a lot of justifying right now b/c you could have slowed this down or merely filed for a sep. You are doing as much rewriting as she is,

but hey, you want it to end. I get that. We each have different end points.

To ME, your timeline is so much shorter than what I'd have done, I have to stand back so I don't impose my values on you too much.

Keep up your personal work.

As for what to say to other people, I don't see the big complicated situation you see.

I faced the SAME types of questions for a lot longer. I just said "we're facing a marital challenge right now and I really appreciate knowing you are rooting for us" and I ENDED the conversation.

If they probed, I'd tell them that I "don't think it helps me to share a lot of details that are really between us" but you don't like conflict with OTHERS so you won't say that.

You fear them not liking you, a lot more than what you feared about your wife's reactions.

I'd suggest for you, an answer like "it's a little too hard for me to talk about right now but thanks for your concern" and end the talk.

They will NOT ask more if you merely repeat that and there's no reasonable person who would continue to pursue a conversation about your marriage after you've told them, twice, that's it's too hard for you to talk about,

Good luck with your personal growth. I really hope it continues.

I also hope that you don't bad mouth your wife to your d or around her.

It can affect your custody rights, and it ALWAYS harms the child...always

[AnotherStander]

SP, I am still reading a lot of pain, bitterness and anger towards W in your posts. In fact, it seems like the levels of those emotions are higher now than in your past posts. I really feel like you are not in a position to make any big decisions right now. The decision to file divorce should be made when you are fully detached and can be completely objective about your wants and needs. I don't think you're anywhere close to being there. Divorce is not the magic bullet that will end your pain and suffering. You've got to process the pain and end your suffering in other ways, then when you're at peace with your sitch, THEN you're ready to contemplate D.

[sayitaintso]

Agree w/ AS

[MrCAS]

Wow. Why would you give a rat's patootie what the othre people were thinking and giving it more weight than that of your W's? Really?

In my own ongoing S, I have distanced myself from people that do not share the same level of enthusiasm that I have for making a R with my W. I only seek counsel from those people that have demonstrated good marital skills themselves? Why would I look for advice from a three time loser (yes, I have a "friend" that fits the bill and had tried to tell me what to do) who's answer to a failing marriage is a visit to the lawyer and "give it to her good"? I DON'T!

I am also very careful of what family members I discuss this with. I have already told my maternal parental unit that it is none of her business and not a topic that is open for discussion. Yeah, I have no problem telling people to back off. They know what I want them to know which is not really a whole lot.

I may not like my W a whole lot right now but I see no reason to drag her through the muck and mire. Yup. Learning from other people's pain... not to mention some of my own.

Wish you the best, brother. I hope your future holds nothing but goodness for you.

[jp787]

If your W hasn't been served yet, maybe give it more time and thought?
Wish you the best whichever route you take.

[labug]

Sp, I, too, wish nothing but the best for you but right now it seems you're reacting to what other people say or what they might think.

Those people aren't in your marriage.

You said

I honestly feel that I could make every positive change in myself and become the man that only a fool would leave...and wife still wouldn't consider giving me another chance.

So the self-reflection and changes were only in the hopes of getting her back, not to become the man you want to be? Not to be a better father, a better friend, a better business owner?