So I found out something tonight that upset me and I confronted W about it right away.
That's never a good idea whether it's your W or the kids or a coworker or whoever. If you confront right away then you let your emotions run wild. Give yourself time to cool off and digest the info, and formulate what you want to say beforehand so you just go blurt something out.
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I said then why did you ask me what I'm talking about. Her response, because I don't owe you any answers. I said when it comes to illegal drugs in the house where my son is you damn well do owe me answers.
My IC told me there are 3 levels of communication- child, parent, adult. When you're talking to a coworker it's adult-adult. When your kid does something wrong it's parent-child (IE, "you did this wrong and you will not do it again.") Then she asked me when I normally talk to W what level it is and I said adult-adult. Then she asked what it was when we argued. Ouch. I recognized immediately that it was parent-child with me yelling and/ or lecturing W while she cowered. So knowing that, how would you classify the convo you had with your W? I know what it sounds like to me, and it ain't adult-adult.
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We talked about it and I calmed down. I told her I honestly don't care if she wants to smoke, I just don't like the idea of it in the house with my son.
So you started out yelling at her that she owes you answers for this horrible transgression, then minutes later you're saying you don't care and you just don't like the idea of it? Those sound like some pretty mixed-up signals. That's why you need to go in calm and collected. Determine what your boundary is regarding this and calmly present it to her and then leave.
