[in_it]

New thread...1st one is now locked.

Thanks Reality. I must say I've been quite proud of myself & self control since H has been home.

Nothing yesterday. No more crazy door shut text sessions with OW.

This evening things got a little out of hand. H was with the girls at soccer practice & started texting me. I'm proud of myself for standing my ground. I know I could've done better, but didn't do too bad.

Here's the jist of it…
H said D was not trying very hard & doing average at best at practiced. Wonders why she won't hustle all the time like we know she can? I tell him to take it easy on her when she gets in the car bc she's had a long day with her school field trip & I'm sure she's tired. He replies with "Believe me, she won't be hearing me too much longer anyway"

This is where I did a mini freak out. I waited a few minutes & replied with Why?
He said-when I move away. I asked where is this coming from & he said it was the 'whole pregnancy thing' and he's still ticked about it.

This is where I should've put the phone down & walked away. Did I? Nope, no way, felt like torturing myself & backsliding & ruining it all! Ok, I didn't feel like that, but I might as well have been.

I asked where is this coming from? You just told me less than a week ago you needed time? Did I do something? What happened to the positive thoughts you said you were getting? Or were you just saying that? He said no, he wasn't just saying that & he really thought he was but he can't stop thinking of me being pregnant & planning it all to keep him around. He thinks he hates me, & will never forgive me.

I told him I was not going to listen to him call me a liar, that I didn't believe him about hating me, & that I would continue to give him the time he needs.
He replied with he didn't need time to realize something he already knows. We haven't really talked since.

We've had small chit chat since I've been home. New day tomorrow.

As always, thanks for checking in uRworthy.

[in_it]

H is so weird. I dropped my SUV off to get new tires this morning & text H to let him know when it was going to be ready. He is going to give me a ride to pick it up this afternoon. In the the text he says-"Ok, sounds good. Have a good day!"

Really? Does he remember what he said to me yesterday? Strange man I've got on my hands. I'm going to stay strong. Not mention the the things he said yesterday & act as if. Going to keep my PMA & continue to give him time. Only time will tell.

Here's to another day!

[AnotherStander]

1st thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...770#Post2333770

I asked where is this coming from? You just told me less than a week ago you needed time? Did I do something? What happened to the positive thoughts you said you were getting? Or were you just saying that? He said no, he wasn't just saying that & he really thought he was but he can't stop thinking of me being pregnant & planning it all to keep him around. He thinks he hates me, & will never forgive me.

Quit baiting him! The WAS is confused and in turmoil inside, their thoughts are ALL OVER THE PLACE. He said something one day and then something different the next? OF COURSE he did, he's a WAS. They ALL do that. Quit taking it personally, and quit asking him to explain himself. Quit holding him accountable for what he said previously. NONE of that is going to help you one bit, and will probably hurt you. Do you know much about validation? THAT is what you need to be doing. Don't talk, LISTEN. Even if his thoughts are crazy and don't make sense, LISTEN to him. Don't reason/ explain/ agree/ disagree/ etc. Just let him talk, and when he expresses emotions tell him you understand why he feels that way. So for example, he says "it was the 'whole pregnancy thing' and he's still ticked about it" you say "you sound frustrated, is that how you feel?" "Yes I'm frustrated, I feel like you did this just to make sure I can't leave!!" "You do sound frustrated about that, I'm sorry you feel that way." When you validate, you remove all pressure. You're not agreeing with him, you're acknowledging his feelings. Do you understand the difference? DO NOT push his buttons, it'll just result in arguments that go nowhere which is probably one of the contributing factors to your sitch. Avoid "more of the same" behavior. Looks for ways to do 180's on what got you here. Validation is one of those 180's.

[cat04]

Seriously Stander...you want a woman who just found out she is pregnant, to validate her H's craziness regarding the pregnancy? THAT is just nuts.

Do you have a clue how horrible it feels for a pregnant woman to hear that her baby isn't wanted by its other parent? I doubt it.

Maybe you need to learn what compassion is and figure out how to express that. Validation, only goes so far, and I will say again, what you suggest, sounds so phony to me...

In it,

You are doing wonderfully dealing with this right now.

Yes parts of the conversation could have been different...

You will learn that over time.

For now, let him spin...

[in_it]

AS you are so completely spot on! Thank you! I knew even I'm the moment I was texting him I was making the wrong choice & still did it. It's like I do so well for so long & then snap! Validating has to become my main focus. It's the hardest part for me. I'm going to be ready & strong next time. I can do this!

Thanks for linking my first thread.

[Mach1]

In.....

Look, I see both sides of this..

Validating IS something that needs to happen, and as time goes on, you will naturally become better at it.

AS you are so completely spot on! Thank you! I knew even I'm the moment I was texting him I was making the wrong choice & still did it. It's like I do so well for so long & then snap! Validating has to become my main focus. It's the hardest part for me. I'm going to be ready & strong next time. I can do this!

Thanks for linking my first thread.

Looks like you DO know how to validate ^^^^


And I agree with Cat too...probably more though

Validation usually comes across as fake to most WAS. It comes across as patronizing behavior because it goes completely against what you have done in the past. Remember that this person knows YOU better than anyone else.

They know your patterns , and habits...

So if it is out of the normal ?

Yea, they can smell that, like Oprah can smell a Twinkie at a picnic.


I think, that what Cat is saying is....

That the most important thing for you right now...

Is that baby that you are carrying.

And that you should in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM...

EVER apologize, or feel that you have to validate ANYONE for carrying that baby...

And by validating him in regards to that, comes across as pleading, begging, and apologizing for being pregnant....

Do NOT ever, feel the need to "sell" that baby, for the sake of the marriage....

[in_it]

Thanks Mach & Cat. I hadn't seen Cats reply before responded to AS. You both have good points. I'm so glad I have you guys to help me.

Mach-your words are very kind & appreciated. You're right. You know what? This baby and our health is the most important thing. I'm not going to apologize or sell myself for the same of the baby. I truly believe that things happen for a reason & God has a plan in place for each of us. I'm just waiting for this one to play out.

Cat-your words are too kind. Thank you.

[azguy]

Of course in_it is the wronged person here and shouldn't have to put up with H's crap. That's really not the point. She has expressed a desire to keep her M together and is looking for advice on how to do that. AS is just trying to help her with that.

It's easy to defend the wronged party in a disintegrating marriage and villainize the other person. Most friends and family do that, and DR points out how they think they are helping "their" side. They won't have to live with the aftermath. The ex-spouses will.

So in_it, please keep DB if you're up for it. It may help your M, and it will certainly allow you to feel you followed a path you can be proud of.

And notice how he again pulled you into an argument. For whatever reason, he is still hooked on telling you he's leaving to get a response out of you. I know this is repeating, but that's codependent behavior, and lovingly detaching is the only good way to deal with it. I think you're doing great, just continue developing strategies to not get drawn into these arguments. He's in a real fog right now.

[cat04]

Azguy,

We are all here because either now or at some point in time, we were dbing to save our M.

I know AS is trying to help. I don't question that.

I have, more than once though, read posts from him that do not seem to take into account, the specifics of someone's situation. And that makes some of his advice very hard to swallow.

Db, just like anything else, is not cookie cutter. Things have to be tweaked and fitted to each specific situation.

Validation is a wonderful tool. It helps to diffuse the anger and spew that often comes our way. Better yet, it helps to stop us from launching a defensive response, because we are thinking about something else. It has its place. In the right situation. And there are times, when it is not the best tool for us to use. Sometimes it is simply best to say, "im sorry you feel that way" or "I understand what you are saying" and leave it at that.

I wasn't defending In_it at all. Was she "wronged?" Sure. Was she the only one in the marriage who was "wronged?" I highly doubt it. None of us is perfect.

Anyway...this thread has been hijacked long enough...

[in_it]

Thank you azguy. I do think I need to work on some strategies to not let myself get drawn in. Coming here to this board & getting input has really helped me this morning. I think I'm ready for the next round when he initiates. I knew last night I was messing up & still allowed myself to respond in that way. I am glad that I basically ended the convo though & did not continue to badger right along with him. This stuff is quite difficult.

H is in a fog, and boy is it thick right now!