They just brought home to me how completely out of touch with reality they are at this point. And how hopeless it is to try to reason with them to do anything like 'the right thing'.
I am so buoyed by reading your progress today. Thanks for being so strong and true KG.
non violent communication.. that's a good one. H and i use to joke about speaking giraffe. imago is also another one to look at.
i'm glad you're finding peace. i hope everything works out in terms of the job. i think i'm at a similar place. now that my H is officially in his own place, then the bills here are now my responsibility. and with that responsibility.. there is a sense of empowerment because exactly like you.. i can now plan my life accordingly. how much do i have to spend? do i have to work more? can i afford to take the kids away? it may be more challenging.. but it is better than the limbo.
((( )))
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
NLW - thank you for the support and words of encouragement. I just visited your thread and I am so sorry for what you are going through... You are a tough cookie yourself, so hang in there!
BF, Bug - I cannot believe I had never learned about NVC before. Yes... giraffe speak is so powerful and so hard.
I attended a 2-day NVC conference two weekends ago - a friend invited me. It was eye-opening and inspiring. From learning the basics, to learning about talking and thinking without judgment, to seeing how NVC works with our partners, with our kids and even at work...
Yes, it does help you see communication in a different way and I am hoping to learn more and become proficient and get rid of my jackals!
In other news - I got the job. If H and I can agree on financial terms and he commits to his share of children's expenses (regardless of his job situation), then my start date will be May 13th.
I have mixed feelings about it... - Mostly relief to see some big issues solved or on their way to being solved,
- Satisfaction and an ego boost in seeing that my work is valued and the professional R I have cultivated are opening doors for me
- A sense of peace, that I will not need to beg, fight or depend on H re. finances
- Tremendous sadness - I am so used to being with my kids now. I will miss them terribly. I will now only be with them during the morning rush to get to work and school and from 6pm until bedtime on my weekdays. Most of that time will be focused on dinner, homework, bathtime and bedtime. Only "quality" non-routine time with them will be every other weekend...
- Guilt - the kids are still so young and still struggling and missing their family being together and I do wish I could be physically here for them and support them more time.
But I think everything in this journey is a jumble of mixed feelings, isn't it? I am just letting it all sink in and not reacting to any of it.
Tonight I am grateful.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
KG, so glad you're feeling good and congratulations on finding a job so quickly! It makes me angry because H could certainly go find a job if he were motivated, it may not be the great job he's looking for but at some point you just have to make money right?
WRT this:
Originally Posted By: keep_going
I also told him that this is not about the job search but that I am hurt because I feel like he basically has washed his hands and left it all up to me now to figure out alone how to support our kids or else they would be homeless in a month. I said that it made me feel like he just doesn't care what happens to them when they are with me, but that the important thing for me now is to figure how to support them.
That's a pretty good dose of shame you laid on him right? "Them's fightin' words" as Yosemite Sam would say.
Given his status right now maybe it's not a good idea to share how you're feeling or your disappointments in him?
If you really want to focus on having a good co-parenting relationship for the sake of the kids, I'd vent your feelings here, rely on your lawyer to handle the unpleasantries, and keep things with H friendly and factual.
I say that knowing how painful it is, because you have every right to be super mad at him. The guy left you with very young kids, hasn't been working, and has been spending money on vacations with OW, it's reprehensible behavior, it really is. The anger has to come out, I think it just needs to go somewhere else unless you're completely ready to write him off.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
It initially really shocked me that he would go on a 10-day vacation when we don't know how we'll pay the rent in June...
It really is mind-boggling. This is the kind of stuff that screams "MLC" rather than "WAS".
Quote:
I have no choice now - he will not work with me to figure out together how to pay the bills until he finds a new job. I now have to go out and find a job so I can pay my rent next month and make sure my kids have a place to live.
Honestly I think you should have been there a long time ago, your H has demonstrated that you can't rely on him anymore. He's not the responsible H you once knew. Time for you to take control of your sitch. Congrats on the job offer
Quote:
It states that H will not seek alimony or support from me while I work and he is unemployed. It also states that he will still be responsible for 50% of the kids' expenses regardless of his employment status.
Sounds good on paper, but if he's not employed, how do you expect him to cover those expenses? He may very well agree to it just to get his divorce, but with no intention of actually meeting the terms (or more likely, without thinking about how he can meet them). He'll join the ranks of the zillions of "deadbeat dads" out there. I'm not saying you shouldn't put it in there, I'm just saying don't expect to collect on it. Now that you're joining the work force again and taking control of your finances I'm sure you'll be doing an expense spreadsheet. I wouldn't include any contributions from H in it for now. Try and make your budget work without him. Then if he does pay, well you'll be that much better off.
Quote:
The reasoning behind the doc is that if he doesn't help with the expenses, my salary won't be enough to cover everything, and if I am going to acquire more debt even when working, then I might as well stay home as I have done so far and at least be with my kids.
I don't understand that logic. Making some money and carrying some debt is a far better sitch than making no money and carrying a lot of debt. Take the job. Cut your expenses to the bone. You can make it work.
Going back to work with 3 small children brings more expenses, more stress, less time with the kids. It's difficult to do in the best circumstances.
kg, only you know the details of your financial status and I know you have the best interests of your babies in mind when you make these difficult decisions. (((kg )))
AS, if you don't understand the logic perhaps asking for clarification might be more helpful than a 2x4.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
