I did not express this very well. What I was saying was when I tried to detach, WAS reacted with "what's wrong?" And then tried to turn it on me, saying I was not being civil by being unwilling to talk. I need to workout how I let this reaction go and let her own it.
It sounds like you don't understand what detachment is. It is more a state of mind than anything you do or say. Too many people think detachment is being cold/ uncaring towards their spouse, so they try that and they say "gee, this detachment stuff doesn't work, it's just pushing my spouse farther away." But that's not detachment, that's just being a tool, LOL! Peanut's older description still describes detachment better than anything else I've read:
"Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Don't confuse detachment with going dark. They are two totally different things. It sounds like you went dark, but Michele cautions that if your spouse felt that you were cold and distant in the M, then she will interpret going dark as "more of the same" behavior and it can therefore do more harm than good. DB'ing above all else is doing the OPPOSITE of what you did wrong before.
