DBing European Style, part 2

[Papa4Life]

Last week after another bit of turmoil (sigh, another backslide) during which W made it clear that her mind was made up, and during which she reassured me that I would find someone "nicer" than her, I finally got it through my thick skull that I MUST work solely on myself. The next day, W texted to say she would be home late. Initially she had texted to say that the trains were delayed, so I called to ask if she was stuck at work, but she told me that she wanted to go out with her assistant managers (one of whom is the older dude she's having an EA with). I asked if she would be talking to the 'OM' about our situation, but she said no. Later, I asked her why she had decided to go out with OM on a night that she was supposed to be with the kids and with no advance notice, particularly since we had agreed just a few days before that we would try not to make plans without at least some notice. I also asked whether she had arranged it so that she could be just with OM and she didn't respond (in W-speak: yes). I also pointed out that I had told her that her seeing the OM alone was a deal-breaker for me, and I asked whether she had done this before. No response (yup). I also asked if she had been discussing our sitch with OM. No response (ditto). So, I finally set a boundary. I told W, if you want to see OM, you're free to do so, I can't control you, but if you do that without notice and on a night that you are supposed to be with the kids, I'll send an e-mail to your regional manager informing him that you are carrying on a relationship with one of your subordinates (strictly verboden). She didn't respond and I just let it lie.

Also as I've mentioned, I've decided to take a trip back to the States to visit friends and family. Finances are a bit tight at the moment, and I asked W if I could appeal to her parents to loan me the money and that I would repay them promptly once the substantial invoices I've sent out are paid. She agreed. Then this week when she went to visit one of the men from her management course for a "work visit" and stayed out until after midnight, I contacted her parents. I told them that the situation had become untenable and that, while I'm glad W has close friends and family to confide in during this difficult period, that I have suffered from being so isolated here. I also pointed out that, yes, W is carrying on a relationship with the older guy at work and perhaps also with this guy from her course and that I feel that she is disrepecting me and our children. The next day, W e-mailed me to say that her father had called and she would like me to send her the e-mail I had sent to them. I politely refused, saying that unless she wished to allow me to read her e-mail and texts, that I felt no obligation to share my personal e-mail with her (granted its her parents, but if they feel compelled to share the contents of the e-mail, as it later became apparent they had done, then I can't stop that). At any rate, I decided to just buy the ticket myself and leave her parents out of it.

I finally booked the flight last night and W was very interested in when I was going, who I would be staying with, did she need to arrange anything. I said no, I'm taking care of things, and she said "accept for taking care of the kids while you're away". She had no problem leaving me with the kids when she goes to her course for days on end every month or when she goes out after work and I'm left scrambling from morning to night. So, I think this will be a bit of an eye-openener for her. I'm glad that the detachment is going so well, and I think W is starting to notice. Not that I care She also sent a text today and immediately called to say exactly what she had just texted and even offered to help out arranging things with the kids before she leaves for a bday dinner with some close friends tonight. I was pretty blown away, but I assured her that I would be fine taking care of things on my own (I love spending time with them and tonight's gonna be fun).

Maybe, if as they say a D is a lot like losing a loved one, if perhaps I've moved on in the grieving process from denial and anger to the acceptance phase. It sure feels like it, and thank heavens. I was in a bad place for some time and, even though I still want to work on the R, I know that I can be the kind of person I want to become. With or without W.