Thank you AS I really appreciate your advice it makes so much sense.
I'm going to write the email but sit on it for a week and make sure I do feel its the right thing. Don't worry I won't beg or plead or make it sound like I'm waiting around...
Thank you again.
You're welcome, and feel free to post it here if you'd like some feedback. I waited a couple of hours before sending mine too- read it a few times, then left it and came back to it quite a while later and read it again just to be sure.
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
What a beautiful way with words you have Anotherstander. I tried putting words together a couple of week ago stating my intentions and it was ignored. But I will wait another 2 months and try again with similar words to what you wrote. I also believe it is not going to make anything worse that what it is. Sometimes though I really think the WAS needs to hear you still care and love them. That is in some sitch's not all.
Thank you! I agree that a reminder now and then might be OK in some sitches, we just have to be careful not to beat them over the head with it or do it in such a way that applies pressure... "you're doing the wrong thing, you need to come back, I won't rest until you agree to return!!" That sort of thing
Originally Posted By: willbwell
I know he is struggling. He knows what I want though.
In my case I had doubts that my W knew, so sending that note just made me feel a little better that she knew for sure where I stood. Plus I also like the idea of her having it in writing because if in a few days/ weeks time she starts thinking about it she's got something she can pull up to remind herself of what I told her.
Intact... I put more information about me and my wife on my thread, didnt want to hijack anyone elses... I havent really had time to look over yours yet.. i will though.
Ive read through most of this thread, I didnt go back into your previous threads.
Fist off, Sorry your in this boat, This is a tough one. I went through something similar with my first wife but she was going through mental issues so it was alot easier for me to dismiss as her condition and the fact that her condition was forever and she was cheating made it easier for me to move on.
Somewhere in here you posted that she seems so happy on the outside and questioned if she really was happy. You need to get there. You need to get yourself to a spot to where you come across as genuinly happy. When my Ex and I were going through this, I wouldnt call her at all. My responses to her were short, to the point and generally upbeat. Once she saw me being happy and moving on, not that I was dating anyone else or anything like that, I just didnt let HER consume me, she started pursuing me. First signs of me turning to jelly, she would be turned off. So reverse the roles. Make it so that she would be going OMG is he really starting to be happy with out me?? Thats when questions will fire in her head, just like it made you.
Stay strong. Keep moving forward in life for yourself and your son. Make sure you are a good role model for him and that would include handling this situation the best you possibly can. Regardless if things work out for you and your wife, your son will remember what you did and how well you handled it. Show him how you deal with a tough situation like this. That was one of my biggest motivating factors for me. It helped me stay strong and stay the course.
Well, I've been working on the email all day and think I'm going to send it tonight.
I have checked it a thousand times and made sure there is no trace of begging, pleading or pressuring. I have also made it clear in the email that I'm not waiting around but at this moment in time I am open to reconciliation as I think it is owed to ourselves and our Son.
Truth is, I don't think I'll get a response - and if I do I'm only expecting "our marriage is over..." script BUT it's going to make me feel a whole lot better knowing that she knows exactly where I stand at "this moment in time".
We'll see... But I have no expectations.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Only you know your wife...but this is similar to what I did. I knew it would be difficult for my wife to talk about the subject let alone bring it up on her own. I also stated that I wouldnt wait forever, but didnt put a definate time limit out there (ie 1 month).
The other thing I did was leave the kids out of it. I didnt say we should be together for the kids. I presented it as a strictly her and I thing. Both of us have been divorced before, both had kids from those marriages. Kids are strong and although not ideal, they can survive a divorce. So really, I kept it to why I wanted to be with her. I left out all of my good qualities cause when you read it back, it sounds like a used car pitch.
Well, I've been working on the email all day and think I'm going to send it tonight.
I have checked it a thousand times and made sure there is no trace of begging, pleading or pressuring. I have also made it clear in the email that I'm not waiting around but at this moment in time I am open to reconciliation as I think it is owed to ourselves and our Son.
Truth is, I don't think I'll get a response - and if I do I'm only expecting "our marriage is over..." script BUT it's going to make me feel a whole lot better knowing that she knows exactly where I stand at "this moment in time".
We'll see... But I have no expectations.
What happened to sitting on it for a week? Maybe post it here so that some vets can look it over?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Well W replied to the email and it was basically what I was expecting. Although there was a certain clarity too it all.
Here is her response:
" Thank you for your email. I too have been thinking a lot about the future. We will always have a relationship because of Son, just a different relationship. I agree that Son is growing up fast and from things he has said recently I feel he is beginning to understand and adapt to our new way of life. He does seem to be more settled and content here during the past few weeks and his confidence has really grown. I'm glad that you feel that you can have a new life and that you have plans for the future. I too have thought long and hard about our family and marriage but I know that I cannot come back. I feel that I have done all I can and I know that to enable you to move on you had to ask these questions.I appreciate how difficult it must have been to write the email. I have treated what you have said with respect and thought hard about my response. I too have memories of good times as a family and between us we can still give Son happy positive memories just in a different way. I will always be ready to discuss any issues regarding his well being. It means a lot to Son that we can still communicate and be with him together, but I feel it's wrong to give him hope that things may return to the way they were. He's a wonderful boy and he knows we both love him and whatever happens in the future that will never change."
As expected it sounds very final and very clear - perhaps it really is time to move on.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
As expected it sounds very final and very clear - perhaps it really is time to move on.
There are some elements in her response that make me think you laid it on a little too thick in your letter. Regardless, her response is predictable script. Keep in mind your sitch is barely 4 months old, it's too soon for her to have any significant doubts yet. Hopefully you didn't send the letter expecting an immediate change of heart, you sent it to plant some seeds. Now you have to give them time to grow. You said what you wanted to say, now you can rest assured she knows your position and there's no need to remind her of it.
Thanks AS - don't think I laid it on too thick but perhaps I did. Regardless, I actually feel a lot better within myself for ending it and clarifying my position.
I'm interested that you still think it sounds like script. I kind of thought there was a lot of clarity too it but perhaps I'm wrong.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
I'm interested that you still think it sounds like script. I kind of thought there was a lot of clarity too it but perhaps I'm wrong.
Oh it sounds clear alright, but when pressed that's usually how the WAS responds. We're done, it's time to move on, there's nothing left to go back to, this is what's best for everyone, we'll all be better off, you and I will both be happier when this is done, etc. etc. etc. WAS's speak in absolutes. They hardly ever leave any room for anything other than D. But despite that, they sometimes do change their minds later. In fact it seems like given enough time that most of them do change their minds, but often it's so much later that the LBS has long since moved on.
