Almost two years and still stuck in limbo

[Shiss]

Newman I just read up on your sitch, and even though I'm new and may not have any insight for you, I really give you props and admire you for hanging in there for 2 years. Continue to hang in there and continue GAL

[newman7977]

Shiss, Galbaby, & Sailing thanks for your support and thoughts.

So the weekend went by and I was kind of waiting to see if W will initiate the talk with the kids. She didn't so I didn't push it either. We did get into R talk again, and I basically said we should go for separation. It's the same talk she won't move, I won't move...she wants to file, sell the house and that's the answer to all her problems. What a trip, for WAS' its like the D is they're magic pill to solve their problems. Oh well it is what it is.

What I notice though lately is that W is really really cold to me. The EA must've been getting deep again. At this point, this is a deal breaker for me. I just want to find a solid proof that she's still communicating with him so I can file for D. I just don't think our M stands a chance while she's in an EA. Going 19yrs M this year I want to make sure I will have no doubt about filing for D that she's still involve with OM.

Right now it's calm, it's colder than ever. Today I ask myself I I'm still in love with my W, quite frankly I'm not too sure anymore, maybe it's the built up resentments?

Last couple of days I detached ok. I plan on keeping the calm waters since d18 is graduating high school and s14 middle school. I continue to GAL which is exercising, riding my road bike and a charity event coming up.

I'm focusing also in the event of D, if we sell the house, we split the equity and I might be able to afford a condo. It's gonna be something on my own, just me and the kids, never had anything like that before.

Well til next update,
Newman

[kenva]

Newman. I feel for you. I m in same situation going on two years and there is OM involved which she doesn't know I know. It's tough because I haven't confronted her on him. My wife as of a couple of weeks is pushing towards divorce and has no feelings for me or wants to fix things. Having family and close friends that know what is going on and that are supportive is the best thing to have. For me it's both sides if my family. Good luck to you and all if us. My prayers are w you.

[newman7977]

Ok hopefully Sandi2 will see this. Sandi2 saw your posts yesterday thank you for that.

Seems to me the last interaction with OM was Monday. From my calculation the communication only lasted for 7mins. I can't confront her on this because I don't have a direct evidence. But W has been very sad the last couple of days. Maybe they had a fight? Or maybe OM W confronted OM, there could be number of things.

@Sandi2- If I recall correctly when you decided to fight the temptation to see OM, how did you want your husband to interact with you during those withdrawal stage? Did you want your husband to pursue you? Not sure if I should pursue her a little. I don't wanna mess this up but if she has decided to cut contact, because of my exposure, then she must've really hate me right now. Do I just let time heal her and hope if she comes around?

Anyway, I'm just looking for your perspective of a WAW,to see if there's anything I can do to help her during this period.

Thanks,
Newman

[AnotherStander]

I just want to find a solid proof that she's still communicating with him so I can file for D.

Is your state a "no fault" divorce state? Most are now. If so, then it doesn't matter whether you have proof of an affair or not because regardless of what has happened, neither party is assigned any blame in "no fault" cases.

But W has been very sad the last couple of days. Maybe they had a fight? Or maybe OM W confronted OM

Or maybe she saw a dead cat on the side of the road on the way home, or maybe her friend is sick, etc. etc. Don't try to guess, you might just ask her. Don't ask "what's wrong" (because the answer will always be "nothing"), try something like "seems like you've been down lately, how are you feeling?" If she starts expressing her feelings then remember to validate.

@Sandi2- If I recall correctly when you decided to fight the temptation to see OM, how did you want your husband to interact with you during those withdrawal stage? Did you want your husband to pursue you?

I read Sandi's whole sitch and although it's been a while, I recall her pretty clearly stating that she did NOT want pursuit in any way, shape or form. She needed time and space, and I think I remember her saying any pursuit just came off as clingy/ needy behavior. I think Mandy said the same thing. In Mandy's case it took her H completely letting go before she started to miss him. Sandi's journey was a little different because she found this site while she was in the thick of it and people here were able to help her navigate what she was going through.

[newman7977]

Hi AS, good to hear from you.

Yes it's a "no fault" state. And the proof is just for my peace of mind. That way I will be convince so that I won't have any regrets in the future, that nothing I could've done while she's in an EA. Its a deal breaker for me anyway.

"Or maybe she saw a dead cat on the side of the road on the way home, or maybe her friend is sick, etc. etc."

Or maybe she finally thought she would be a fool to leave me I'm kidding i know at this point shes done with me. Yes I recognize it could be a number of things. But I know her, I know when something's bothering her. Her eyes don't lie, they actually been piercing me the last couple of days...I know she's pissed at me.

The mood right now at home is very cold. I come home and I stay out of her way and interact with the kids. I feel like I should be doing something for her when I see her down. Perhaps I will try your recommendations "feels like your down lately, how are you feeling?" What have I got to lose right?

And that's why I was curious what the mood was at home while Sandi was fighting off the temptation. Maybe I will check out her thread again.

Thanks AS I got to read your latest update one of these days.

Newman

[kenva]

Newman. Did you confront your w on her EA? Mine has been cold a lot lately. I'm lucky if she is warm at all. She also had that look in her eyes of hatred and confusion. But for the most part hate. She has been avoiding me lately not that I follow her around. I give her space which is hard being in the same house. I will once in a while say hi to her when she comes home and bye when I leave. She used to when she is warm to saying hi when she comes in.

[newman7977]

Kenva, yes I did confront her on her EA. I also did some non DBing stuff and exposed the EA to OM w. Seem like they stopped communicating since Monday, and it's probably got something to do with my exposure of the EA. I think that's where the pissed off attitude towards me is coming from lately. But I remained dark and detached.

That's why I'm curious what Sandi2's thoughts would be. Now that OM is hopefully out of the picture how can I be there for w so she won't feel lonely? And at the same time not pursue and appear clingy. What should I not do while my W fight off the temptation to seek OM again?

Bump for sandi2

Newman

[sandi2]

AS and you have good memories!

AS is right, I did not want any type of pursuit from my H. I believe WAW who are in an A all have one thing in common. They no longer respect their H's. Once the respect is gone, then the desire flies out the window. And it does not usually come back a few days, b/c it takes time with effort from her.

From what I've learned, when an a WAW is in an A, and if there is suddenly a time of broken contact, she gets very moody and acts depressed. One time, when I was in the mist of my EA, the OM told me he was leaving for a week to go where there would be no cell calls or email. I acted like I was in mourning all week! The only thing that kept me hanging on was believing everything would be back to "normal" when he got home.

It's just like being without anything else that has you hooked. So when I decided to end the EA, I knew from the information from the board members what to expect. But I experienced exactly what they said I would. It was a miserable time. I think it was like a month of hard grieving, and then it took about four months before I had no temptation to contact OM. In all those months I never made contact, but I had no desire to spend time with my H, either.

I was very depressed for a long time, and was just trying to get from one day to the next. The last thing I wanted, was my H pursuing me! B/c you have to understand that when a woman reaches the stage of being a WAW, she no longer wants the attention from her H. For years, I went with my emotional needs unmet, so then OM met them. When it was cut off with OM, it was not an automatic switch that changed back over to my H and wanting him to meet my needs.

LBH's have the wrong idea when they are afraid that not pursuing will push the WAW

[sandi2]

I did it again.....hit the submit button too soon!

LBH's are afraid that if they don't pursue the WAW, it will push her away. No so! Pursuing worked back in the days you were dating her. All through the MR, she wanted you to seduce and even ravish her. But once she's done and she is interested in another man, she doesn't want you chasing her around. If you try, it turns her off! Pursuing her is what pushes her away.

She will need breathing space to get through this. Family activities are good. Anywhere there is a group of people usually works best. But she won't be ready to cozy up to for a good while.

Your best course of action is to remain firm about no contact. You can be a nice person to her, but don't over do it. She's smart, and when she starts really craving contact with him, she'll try most anything......especially if ending things was not her idea! This was against her wishes, so that really could cause her to dream of "what might have been" more.

Don't go too far over to the other side and get all "sweetie-pie" on her. Don't try to have intimate talks, or show her you understand what she's feeling, etc. She needs to see you acting cool, calm, & confident as a man. She needs to see you standing firm as a H, and she especially needs to see that boundary line without any blurred vision or perception.

I would encourage you not to ask her questions that are "obvious" about her whereabouts, etc. But at the same time, realize that she's in a delicate stage, and neither her or the OM can be trusted right now. So, don't make the mistake in thinking everything is okay and things will be back to normal in a few days. You have to be able to find a balance where you aren't drilling her with questions, and yet, stay on your guard. Your W and OM do not need to show up at the same event, etc.

Oh, and never fall for her or anyone suggesting that she and OM could remain "just friends"!