Weird scenario

[reb9597]

Talked to therapist and they said cause of her upbringing and her enmesh meant with the mother I never stood a chance.

^^ Be careful with your thinking here. I've read that a few times recently, therapists suggesting that there's nothing to be done or the R never stood a chance. And while that may be true on many levels, it takes the focus off of your work on yourself.

And then you're also expressing the view that people can't change. I think we want to all believe that miracles can happen and people can change. You're changing, right?

[Jeack]

Such a weird night. So I went out soe friends and a friend asked me to see what my W OM looked like so I showed him on my phone. Little did I know that he was going to friend request him thru FB. I get a call about 30 minutes later with W flipping out saying i'm being a child and she's going to take me to the cleaners now. I guess the leason learned is. Don't mess with Facebook around people that are drinking. they all thought it was funny but I was sober and now dealing with the repercussions.

Doesn't really matter anyway. W is happy with OM. her loss

[cbtdad]

FB is evil!!

[Jeack]

Your not even lying!!! How you making out C?

[cbtdad]

Just trying to continue to better me. I woke up today and anxiety immediately hit.
W is going to be out of town for 10 days at horse show where OM is as well.
I've got to keep myself busy during this period or I will go nuts!

[makingmagic]

Hi cbt... what will you do to keep busy? post your list!

[cbtdad]

WFM, posted on my other thread just now.
Don't want to hijack this thread:)

[Jeack]

Nah. I hear ya on that. It gets better. I had another argument with The W this morning. Anxiety stinks. Keep your head up C

[AnotherStander]

Prepare yourself for some 2x4's, look away if you're squeamish

Pretty crazy how you can spend so much time and energy in a M for them to just runaway and not look back.

That sounds angry/ resentful. You admitted to being emotionally abusive in the M, so clearly you played a part in her leaving. You need to own that. She didn't run away from a fantastic marriage, no one does that. Don't think this is easy on your W, it's not. She's going through a lot right now. If you're angry/ resentful it's going to show through in everything you say/ do to her. If instead you are kind, compassionate and respectful then that will get her attention. Your actions can either drive her farther away or draw her back in.

Such a weird night. So I went out soe friends and a friend asked me to see what my W OM looked like so I showed him on my phone. Little did I know that he was going to friend request him thru FB. I get a call about 30 minutes later with W flipping out saying i'm being a child and she's going to take me to the cleaners now. I guess the leason learned is. Don't mess with Facebook around people that are drinking. they all thought it was funny but I was sober and now dealing with the repercussions.

Another lesson might be "treat W with dignity and respect." Showing around pics of OM at a booze-fueled outing sounds a bit juvenile, don't you think?

Doesn't really matter anyway. W is happy with OM. her loss

I'm trying to picture why it's a big loss to her to lose an emotionally abusive H who likes to go out partying and show around pics of OM to a bunch of drunkards for some laughs. I'm sure you have your good points too, but here's the deal- the WAS only remembers the bad. Do not give her more reasons to want you gone. You've got to give her reasons to LIKE you instead. That's what DB'ing is all about. Own your mistakes, change them. Do 180's. Become the spouse only a fool would leave. Do not do "more of the same" behavior. These are the steps to bringing your W back.

[Jeack]

Anotherstander,

2x4 accepted. The Facebook picture thing was really stupid and your absolutely right.

As far as anger and resent! Yes you are correct, I am hitting a anger and resent stage. And you are correct that it will show through. I have basically done nothing but try to make things easy for her. Yes I've begged and pleaded. But honestly I feel bad for her. she going to have a ruff life. I guess i almost treated her more like a child then my wife. and she doesn't realize how much i care for her.

I'm just at the point where I worry, more than care for her. I want her to do well and be successful. Yes I was emotionally abusive,But at the same point she was to. Not to point fingers. But she was miserable with life. All I ever wanted from her was to come home give me a kiss and tell me about her day.

When we first bought the house she never felt like it was hers and she felt out of place and missed her mom. I tried everything to make her feel like it was us rather than me.

I think her financial burden and lack of being able to contribute was a big factor. which I didn't care until she would want more and more. which I couldnt do. Which in my C eyes is why she has gone back to familiar grounds where OM has just as much debt no kids and she feels no pressure.Which is ashame because she is a great girl with so much potential.

You say that she wouldn't leave if things were so great! I've tried read my story i've bent over backwards to try to make her happy. She said I drank to much. So I quit, then she said I was boring and we should drink again. I've done and bent over backwards so many times and have tried to be supportive of her and it's gotten me no where.

She was in school for 10 years without a degree and a massive amount of debt. Did I care? NO!

Then she wants to have kids in December after wanting to leave in October and me saying lets work on our relationship before kids??? Was probably a wise move on my part.

Do I love her still? Yes but i've made some dumb moves, but not as many as her.

So I appreciate the 2x4, I really do and i've always tried, and have done so many 180's before and now. But I just can't "fix" someone who doesn't want to be better.

I truly com here to the forum for help and guidance and I appreciate all that the wise experts have to say. But there comes a time where enough is enough. even when you don't want to.