darth vader and i

[SemperFi00]

barelyfloating, have spent some time catching up on your situation yesterday and today.......

No advice to offer, just thoughts and prayers. You sound like a wonderful person who finds themself in a terrible situation....

I started a new book. "Broken heart on hold". It's provided some comfort because the emotions she describes are exactly how I feel.

I'm lost.. I'm broken.. But i will not allow it to define my worth.

lost - maybe a little for now. broken - doesn't sound that way to me IMHO. Maybe just a little bent... Not sure what type of music you like but I heard a song by P!ink a couple of days ago that really hit home.......

Thoughts and prayers are with you.....

[BFloat]

Thank you Semper for your kind words. I've actually been listening to pink a lot these days! some of her new songs really speak to me. Which song are you referring to?

Bugsy... I feel like I have crying non-stop for the past little while. Painful, gut wrenching sobs. Similar to BD. all the while wondering when this will all end... Why do I feel like I'm not good enough.. Being mad at the world.. Mad at myself.. Wondering how I could feel so weak to feel so broken all over again. I allowed very dark thoughts to enter my mind where I entertained thoughts of just disappearing (but only for a brief second)...

So when I felt moments of sadness over the weekend, I focused on the 2 beautiful little people in the back seat that deserved to feel loved and happy. Watching D get all wet from tromping in the ocean.. S run with his windmill trailing behind.. Scampering in the backyard looking for adventures with their friends.. And sticky faces full of roasted Marshmallows..

I felt more me in those moments. Remembering the gifts I've been given rather than the shoddy hand I feel I've been dealt.

But you're right labug.. I am the type of person that holds a lot in. Someone who is a master of portraying that everything's ok.. That I'm ok.. Even when I'm hurting inside. I'm vague.. With a gift for answering a question without ever answering anything.. A lot of the times, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I wouldn't say I'm cold.. Quite the opposite.. But I'm... Hesitant? Careful? I think I also feel like i don't want to bother people with my problems. Things I reflect on all the time....

I don't know where my journey takes me next.. But know that it's beautiful and sunny outside... I know that slowly.. One step at a time I'm going to figure this all out. In the meantime.. Maybe I should get back to the Italian course i started. The only thing I've managed to learn is.. Mi chiama bf.

[AnotherStander]

Bugsy... I feel like I have crying non-stop for the past little while. Painful, gut wrenching sobs. Similar to BD. all the while wondering when this will all end... Why do I feel like I'm not good enough.. Being mad at the world.. Mad at myself..

I'm so sorry You feel like you're not good enough because you became codependent on one person (like nearly all married people do) and that person has dumped you, destroying your self-esteem in the process. But the reason he left is NOT because you're not good enough. You may never know why he left, but one thing you will know again is that you are a valuable person and your H isn't the only man in the world that realizes it. You will love and be loved again whether it's by H or someone else. But first you've got to find yourself again, the strong, independent woman that existed before H came along. She's still in there, just suppressed. Get out and get a life without H, and before you know it she'll be back again!

So when I felt moments of sadness over the weekend, I focused on the 2 beautiful little people in the back seat that deserved to feel loved and happy. Watching D get all wet from tromping in the ocean.. S run with his windmill trailing behind.. Scampering in the backyard looking for adventures with their friends.. And sticky faces full of roasted Marshmallows..

That's fantastic, nice way to divert your thoughts from negative energy to positive energy

I felt more me in those moments.

Exactly!! Michele says in DR that we need to remember that this poor, sad, broken person we are right now in our sitches is NOT the "real" us. It is a temporary us, created by what has happened. Our goal is to find the real us again!

I think I also feel like i don't want to bother people with my problems. Things I reflect on all the time....

Find someone to share your thoughts and emotions with, just make sure it's not a friend or family member with ties to H. Someone completely unattached to your sitch. There is nothing more therapeutic than talking these things through with a sympathetic ear.

Mi chiama bf.

Here's one you'll need a lot more: "Dov'e il gabinetto?"

[keep_going]

BF - you sound better today! Yes, it's beautiful and sunny outside and it's great that you can focus on that.

I feel like I have crying non-stop for the past little while. Painful, gut wrenching sobs. Similar to BD. all the while wondering when this will all end... Why do I feel like I'm not good enough.. Being mad at the world.. Mad at myself.. Wondering how I could feel so weak to feel so broken all over again. I allowed very dark thoughts to enter my mind where I entertained thoughts of just disappearing (but only for a brief second)...

I can totally relate to what you wrote ^^^^ and I am sorry you are hurting and struggling so much. I think we are sometimes too hard on ourselves, thinking we should be stronger, we should not have all these feelings and hurt so much after all this time... One thing I am trying to practice as part of my self-forgiveness is to learn to be ok with where I am in my process. Yes, it's been a while since DB and yes, we go back to similar struggles as in the early days, but isn't that part of the rollercoaster? Isn't that part of the normal grieving process? It's not a linear thing and beating ourselves up for it only makes us feel worse...

Be good to yourself. You have made a lot of progress, you are doing better and you are stronger. You were just in the middle of a big wave, in it's worst part probably, but you will get out of it. You are already sounding so much better today!

I also totally relate to being the kind of person that holds a lot in, even when you are hurting. We are only human and I think it is a normal reaction to be afraid of showing vulnerability. I struggle with that as well. I try to remind myself that it's not a weakness, but it shows strength when we can be ok with our emotions, regardless of what they are, and be able to express them. Yes, we will be hurt, but that is inevitable, right? The question is how will we react when we get hurt.

I find it liberating not to always have to be the strong one...

I am glad you had a great time with your kids at the beach! Those precious moments will never come back.

BF - continue being good to yourself. What are you doing just today to pamper yourself? Ice cream? Bubble bath? Exercise? A walk in the sun? A chick flick? A nice dinner? An impromptu campout in your living room with the kids? A show that makes you laugh? A chat with a good friend?

Take care of yourself - we are here for you. Remember you are a strong, beautiful person and you will get over this rut!

(((((BF))))))

[BFloat]

i have to say again how grateful i am to have a sounding board here. thank you AS and KG. your words have given me a lot to think about.

yes i did become codependent in my M. and the funny thing was that in the beginning, i was the one that kept insisting we needed to be our own separate persons. it use to drive me nuts when H would say.. we're the same person. and i kept telling him.. no! we are 2 separate people. but over the years, i really did lose myself. to the point where i didn't even recognize myself anymore.

so H txted today wondering if he could come by. i said ok and that we should talk to the kids soon. H has been looking at me weird these days. it's a much softer look then it use to be. it's much more pleasant then the cold distant looks i use to get. but, i find it hard to make eye contact. because i'm afraid that the minute i make eye contact, he will be able to see all the hurt i still carry.

after dinner, we talked to the kids explaining that H would be moving. they didn't have much to say. i don't think they fully understand and i expect the questions will come sporadically. \

i am also currently sick. i just feel run down and physically exhausted. H noticed because i didn't eat much dinner.. D also announced that "mommy's very sick". so i took H up on his offer to bathe the kids and put them to bed. he even did my dishes. guilt? probably. but i'll take it. i sent H a txt afterwards thanking him for doing my dishes and putting the kids to bed. told him it was a nice break for me.

after he left, my place seems a little emptier. so i hung up some of my jackets where H would normally keep his..

today i'm sad but, i feel a sense of calm i haven't felt in a while. over the weekend, i saw a lone bracelet in the ferry gift shop that said hope on 1 side and miracles on the other. i'm keeping my focus on reading my books.. sorting myself out.. my gf has been luring me to make a major move to a different town. the lure of it sounds tempting but, i feel that i can't make any major decisions right now because i fear that i may just be running away.

ok.. italian lesson of the day.. i know what dov'e il means.. i had to look up gabinetto. yup. that one will come in handy.

[SemperFi00]

Thank you Semper for your kind words. I've actually been listening to pink a lot these days! some of her new songs really speak to me. Which song are you referring to?

BTW heard a great song from Pink @ lunch today – not usually my taste but I did feel a little more optimism after listening to it. It was called “Just Give Me a Reason”.

[BFloat]

SF.. i have been playing that song over in my head all day.

i'm just thinking out loud here..

if the WAS is involved with OP.. what is the likelihood of them ever seeing the light and coming back? if they do the work and recognize the things that went wrong in their M.. wouldn't they then just take what they've learned and apply it to their current relationships in order to ensure they don't fail again?

i don't know...

[SemperFi00]

SF.. i have been playing that song over in my head all day.

For whatever reason it really has stuck w/me (even referenced in my newest thread) and it is not even close to the type of music I normally listen to.......

if the WAS is involved with OP.. what is the likelihood of them ever seeing the light and coming back? if they do the work and recognize the things that went wrong in their M.. wouldn't they then just take what they've learned and apply it to their current relationships in order to ensure they don't fail again?

i don't know...

Wish I had more to offer here..... I don't think that there is an OM in my situation (but I guess who really knows).

What I have read that seems to be key is to work om bring yhr best option and they may come back.


THoughts and prayers are with you. Stay strong!

[keep_going]

BF - My only sournce of info is my empirical sample of just 1 case - mine...
(and obviously my POV is biased - lol)

My H has now been with OW for over 2 years. Their EA started before he left and their PA just three months after that. They have been in a steady, serious and open R for almost two years and they spend time with each others families and each others kids frequently.

My H told me he has realized all the mistakes he made in our M and that he has learned from them. That would seem like a good sign for me, right?
The kicker - he also said that he is now taking all that learning and making sure he doesn't make the same mistakes in his R with OW...

Do I feel I have a chance?

IDK, I am starting to believe that he might be right - perhaps we were just not right for each other and perhaps she is the right one for him. They both come from failed M and are very motivated to make their R succeed.

So I can be a wife only a fool would leave, but if my H won't even turn to see me because he is happy elsewhere, what chance would I have for him to notice any change?

I know we read around here that the percentages of second marriages that succeed is small. Yet there are also those second marriages that last a lifetime because of this reason - people learn from the mistakes from the first M and know better the second time around.

Again - this is just my biased .02...

[AnotherStander]

if the WAS is involved with OP.. what is the likelihood of them ever seeing the light and coming back?

Unfortunately there are no statistics for that. If you read through the success stories in the Another Divorce Busted! forum you'll see stories of affairs that broke up and the couples reconciled, so it does happen. But how often? Who knows. There are some statistics on affairs though, and most of them break up by the 6 month mark.

if they do the work and recognize the things that went wrong in their M.. wouldn't they then just take what they've learned and apply it to their current relationships in order to ensure they don't fail again?

I think most WAS's get into other R's because they think their spouse is responsible for all the problems/ pain/ misery in their lives. They get in affairs so that they can AVOID doing the work they need to do. I suspect this is why most affairs fail, the WAS just keeps carrying their baggage from one R to the next.