Well ladies and gentlemen... I think it's about that time... After MUCH self-reflection, careful thought, and observation of my situation, I've decided it's time to go forward with filing.
Although it's been over two months since W told me she was planning on filing papers, I've yet to receive them... For a while after the conversation, I was dreading getting those papers every day. But that dread dissipated slowly. Then, something strange happened.
I started seeing this whole process as holding me back from some things in my life. I've been having such a great time with GAL and, if I say so myself, doing a great job working on me. And something just started to click.
There's been no real progress for nearly a year now. And there's no sign that any change will occur... but what HAS changed is my mindset...
I'm not sure I want things to "change" anymore... With all this time passing, with all the changes I've gone through, and with the lack of movement in the sitch... well I've decided I need to move forward in my life.
So this evening, I'll be speaking with my W about a D. For the first time, I'm planning on initiating a conversation about the D. I don't plan on getting into a ton of details as to why with her, I simply plan on telling her that as I have not received the papers she told me she'd be sending back in February that i'm planning on taking care of them myself.
I just can't seem to muster the desire to continue "holding out hope" for the W that has spent at least a year with another man, especially when I think that at this point, the affair has lasted as long as, if not longer, than the marriage did.
I thought long and hard about whether I was going to post this here, as at first glance it seems counter to DB principals... but upon further examination, I feel it's perfectly in line with the spirit of that wonderful book. After all, I'm deep into the "After the Last Resort" technique, and as she refuses to stop the A and has made zero effort to "make things right" it's time for me to take the final step.
This hasn't been an easy decision at all. There's still a part of me, and I assume it will always be there, that says to keep on keeping on... that holds out hope that something will change... but with all of the actual ACTION I've been taking to better myself and ensure my happiness, it doesn't seem right to continue to be INACTIVE when it comes to this situation.
I can't for the life of me think of another option. I literally can't GAL more than I am, and I've found a real peace in myself. Happiness isn't some goal for my future anymore, I've found a huge amount of it through my growth and actions (thanks to this site most of all).
I don't know what this conversation will bring, and I don't know if going through with the D will alleviate the "where did I go wrong" feelings that creep in on occasion. But I do know that I have to do this for me and my continued peace of mind.
My goal has always been to do everything I could to save this M and be able to look back with confidence that I did that. I think I've achieved that goal. And although I wish things could be different, I'm realizing that at this point, it's only a wish, and the reality is, quite simply, things are the way they are. I could continue down this path forever it seems, but for me at least, it's time to move forward one more time.
While this hasn't been an easy decision, and I still get nervous thinking about tonight's conversation and the finality that it will bring, I want to thank each and every one of you who have helped me along the way. I know I'm a better person than I was a year ago, and so much of that has to do with the guidance this site has brought.
And don't worry. I'll update this thread with details of the conversation. And I'll be "paying-it-forward" so to speak throughout these boards in the near future. Thanks again!
